Preschooler Questions

I knew the day would come when I would be asked by my 3.5 year old more details about the loss of her baby brother. I just didn't expect it to be so soon. Today I was rearranging the mantel and she started asking about the urn and why was it so special. I pulled it down and told her that Mommy had a baby in her tummy who was too little and not strong enough and he died in my tummy. She asked to see the ashes. At first she was confused as she looked at her very alive baby brother in his swing and asked if it was him, then I told her there was another baby in my tummy after her and before him (I decided not to go into detail that there were actually 4 other babies in my tummy in between. I figured that would get too confusing). She asked why he died and where he was, all the while I'm choking back sobs. I wasn't sure where to take the conversation...not sure what she could handle, not sure what belief system to set in place. We haven't dealt with death with her yet. We don't have a specific religious denomination that says in black and white what happens when we die. I consider our family to be quite spiritual, loving, and accepting of many beliefs and I want my children to find their own spiritual path as opposed to telling them what they should believe. I know what I believe and it is an ever evolving spiritual path. I'm not sure how to go about teaching spirituality in an open minded form and have struggled with it, and now I'm faced with it head on. I told her what my heart was feeling and in words I thought she could comprehend. I told her he's an angel and flew up to heaven, which is so high in the sky we can't even see it and beautiful like a park. I told her that every time I see a butterfly I think of him and I think it's his way of checking up on us to see if we are okay. She liked all of those things and was smiling as I told her about it. Bittersweet...

Lost In Babyland

I have been absent from the blogging world since our little man arrived. I try to keep up a little bit and check in from time to time on everyone, although I have not been posting on your blogs or posting my own blogs. I'm just allowing myself the time to focus on some other things these days, but I have not forgotten all of you!

Our boy is 3 months old today...wow! He is my little chunky monkey who is the most smiley and happy baby I've ever seen. He loves to gaze into our eyes and have deep cooing conversations, blow bubbles, gurgle, chew and suck on his hands, and smile, smile, smile. We all love him to pieces. His sister is amazing and so nurturing and loving towards him. I just feel like the luckiest Mommy in the world. Of course she does have her moments when she asks me to put him down so that I can play with her, but that's to be expected. She loves being a big sister so much that she keeps asking me to have another baby! I don't think that's going to happen though. Although I'd love another baby, I don't think I can go through the heartache of another loss, so we don't plan to try again. We have been beyond blessed already.

I don't have much of an update on his lungs/rapid breathing. We have been to the pediatric pulmonolgist twice now. The first time he did a nostril/catheter test to make sure he had passages in his nostrils and we did a barium swallow x-ray to make sure everything was formed and working properly. Everything came back normal, although it did show some reflux. His reflux was continuing to get worse, so his pediatrician started him on Zantac a few weeks ago. We have see an improvement in his reflux and I think we are starting to see an improvement in his breathing *fingers crossed* - they did tell us that reflux could possibly be causing the problem. We do another chest x-ray in a month to see if his lungs are still hyper inflated. We'll see the pulomonlogist again in two months and if there isn't improvement we'll do a chest CT, which scares me because of anesthesia. Hopefully the Zantac will fix it all and we can move on without worry of lung/breathing issues.

I'm enjoying cloth diapering. Everyone told me it was addictive and they were right! I didn't do it with my daughter and I wish I would have, especially since she is STILL in diapers at 3.5! Unfortunately breastfeeding didn't work out. I was loving it this time around, but my milk just kept dwindling no matter what I tried. He got a breast milk/formula combo for quite a while, but he's now on full formula. I can't begin to say how sad I am about it and how much I miss bonding with him like that, but I did try my best. Our "little" guy is growing like a weed. Weighing in over 14lbs. now and already in 6 month clothing.

I'll try to update more often in the near future and share some fun and cute stories about the kiddos. There are so many! It's so much fun having two in the house and seeing them interact with each other. Loving them and loving my life so very much!