Uncertainty

I just don't know where my head is these days. Yes, I want another child. I want to be a family of 4. I'm so afraid of the journey to get there.

I still miss my babies. As I sit here and look over at the urn on my mantel, I can't help but be sad that he is not a newborn in my arms right now. It's hard to move on from that place in my heart. I just passed the 1 year mark for my first miscarriage. It seems like it was just yesterday, yet it seems a lifetime away. 3 miscarriages in 1 year, that is my reality. A son lost in the second trimester who I got to hold, love, and talk to. Who can be normal after that!?! I miss my daughter who I only got to see on ultrasound, but her heart was so strong and she was so loved. I miss our other baby who I only know was there from a few pregnancy tests. All unique losses. All unique pain. How strange it is to have an encounter with someone you rarely see, who knows you were pregnant, but doesn't know you lost the baby. They look at your belly and seem to be at a loss for words, or just flat out confused. For that reason, I'm glad we hadn't told many people about the baby due in May. It's been difficult enough dealing with that for the baby who was due in December.

"If you know someone who has lost a child or lost anybody who's important to them, and you're afraid to mention them because you think you might make them sad by reminding them that they died, they didn't forget they died. You're not reminding them. What you're reminding them of is that you remember that they lived, and that's a great, great gift." ~Elizabeth Edwards

Part of me is ready to throw in the towel. I think this latest diagnosis just put me over the edge. It's one more thing to think about, treat, and worry about with a future pregnancy. I was already at a high level of anxiety before getting this diagnosis. I'm very afraid that something could go wrong and we could lose another baby. I'm terrified that something will happen to me in the process of having another baby and I won't be around to take care of my little girl! She needs and deserves to have her Mommy. I am even more afraid now that I typed it out. I should mention that I do have an anxiety disorder. Logically I realize this could be causing all of the thoughts of doom and gloom. I'm trying to stay off of my anxiety meds until I am at least in the second trimester of another pregnancy. I know I need them now.

I guess I'm afraid that I'm pressing my luck. When I went through years of infertility before my daughter, and when I finally did get pregnant with her, I knew she may be my only chance at this. I was okay with that and was (am) thrilled that I at least got my opportunity. How blessed I am to have this one beautiful chance!

I just want a crystal ball. I want to know if there is another child in our future. If I know there is not, I can mourn that and move on. If I know there is, I can deal with all that is thrown at me, knowing that the end result will be worth it. I want to see a future of me and my husband very old and very happy, surrounded by our children and grandchildren. That's all I truly want out of life.

I just don't know when enough is enough. When do you pull the plug? I know I'm not ready to at this moment. I know I want to get some results for some more tests and possibly run a few more tests. I so desperately want to have another take home baby. I'm hoping the results we get back in the next couple of weeks encourage us to keep trying. I'm hoping that in 9 or 10 months from now I look back at this blog with a healthy newborn in my arms and these anxiety-laced thoughts are a distant memory.