No Idea

After 2 days, I have no idea what is going on with my body. Yesterday I had 2 tests that had a 2nd very light line on them with my 2nd morning urine (both wet and dry). My other tests that day just had that light grey line that I wouldn't think much of typically. Today I got nothing but light grey lines and had a little bit of spotting. So, I'm still not sure if/when I ovulated. I don't know if I was pregnant and am experiencing another chemical pregnancy loss. Or maybe those pink handled tests are faulty. I'm just not sure what to think. If I start bleeding within the next couple days, I'll be fairly certain it was a very early chemical pregnancy. Otherwise, your guess is as good as mine.

I should also mention that my OPK's have been close to positive for several days up until today. Today's OPK was significantly lighter, whatever that means. I know your LH will surge when you are pregnant or maybe my body is still just trying to ovulate. My temperature today fell right in the in between level, could be pre or post ovulation. Confusing! Now I wish I would have just tracked everything.

Uhhhhh...What Is Going On?

My trip to Nashville was all kinds of fun and the boyband extravaganza that was NKOTBSB was the single most entertaining show I think I've seen. I was in Jordan Knight heaven when he came out into the audience to sing "Tonight" just 5 rows down directly in front of me, then he moved up the stairs directly beside me. I got some shaky, but awesome video of it all Click for Jordan Video Then, just when I didn't think it could get any better, AJ Mclean and Howie Dorough walked down those same steps directly beside me while singing. Again, I got video Click for Howie & AJ Video We had amazing seats and had fun singing and dancing to every song. It was great to let loose and be a girl!

When I got home I was noticing some sensations that made me think I might be getting ready to ovulate, so both Thursday and today I took OPK's that were quite dark, but didn't change much from each other. So, on a whim, I decided to dip a pregnancy test just in case. Now, I've heard if you dip a pregnancy test after an opk you can get a faint line. I have done this before and never had it happen. The same goes for a few friends of mine. Here's where my day gets a little strange...that pregnancy test had a line, a pink line, a very light, but definitely pink line, both wet and dried.

I haven't been wanting to read too much into that one test, especially because it was dipped after an OPK. Plus my cycle has me all kinds of confused and *if* I ovulated, I have no idea when that would have been. So much for stress free not trying/not preventing. Now I wish I knew if/when I ovulated. I think I'd be less stressed. Anyway, tonight I took another IC test and saw a greyish line, so I dipped a First Response. If I look really closely, I can see a hint of a very faint grey line, but I'm not sure about the color on either of these 9PM tests. I guess I should know for certain what is happening within the next couple of days. Here are the PM tests...

So much for not obsessing this month!

Fake Out

My body likes to fake me out. It keeps gearing up to ovulate again, but isn't doing so. I think this time it will. My OPK's are even darker today after getting lighter again since the last tests I posted. I think I'll have a positive tomorrow or Monday (just in time for my girls getaway, ha!). I'm having some other symptoms too, like this pounding headache, so hopefully this will be it.

 I've been working on my son's memory book. I'd like to have it finished by July 9th, the day we delivered him last year. It's coming along nicely and has been cathartic. It's been a little more difficult again recently because I keep thinking these were the last few days he was still alive a year ago. Last night I just sat there holding his picture and cried harder than I have in a long time, but it felt good, like an emotional release. Sometimes I cry and I make myself stop and there is no feeling of satisfaction afterwards, I'm still just sad. Last night's cry was full and strong and I felt like something was lifted afterwards. Those are the best kinds of cries.

We are having a fun Father's Day weekend. We celebrated today, just the three of us and will celebrate tomorrow with our Dad's. My husband got to sleep in until noon, then we had a pancake lunch, went for ice cream and a walk in the park, pizza for dinner, and shopping for the stereotypical tie. Our daughter "took him shopping" so he could pick out the perfect tie - he brought over a couple for her to help him choose from and he went with the one the 2 year old picked. She has good taste, it was my favorite too! I'm so blessed to have an amazing husband and father to my little girl. He is truly wonderful with our girl and I can see how much they both adore each other. Happy Father's Day to all the wonderful dad's out there!

You can all picture me on Tuesday on a girlfriend road trip, music playing, Starbucks or Red Bull being enjoyed as we roll into Nashville without a care in the world. We'll be getting there early so we can get checked into the hotel and spend some girlie time getting gussied up before heading out for dinner and the NKOTBSB (New Kids on the Block/Backstreet Boys) concert. I'm so very excited!!

Forgetting About TTC...yeah, right.

So, I'm finding it really difficult to forget about TTC this cycle, now that ovulation time is near. I have been randomly taking OPK's. Today's is kind of confusing because one brand looks positive and the other does not. I've had this same thing happen before with these two brands and it's really frustrating.

I'm not purposely timing anything, but part of me knows I should ovulate in the next few days, so I keep thinking about BDing just in case. It's always in the back of my head. I guess you can't keep a girl who's been TTC for the better part of 11 years from trying for long. I go on my big getaway in a week and I'd rather not be obsessing then, so I can just be easy breezy and have a fun time with nothing to worry about, so that makes me want to wait...but it's just so hard when you know there might be a chance to get pregnant! I also would rather wait until we can do it with the meds we talked to our RE about to hopefully up our chances at a healthy baby. So, logically I know I should wait, but there is this part of me that thinks that if it happens this month, then it was meant to be and maybe it would be our healthy take home baby anyway. Although it has happened spontaneously before and it didn't end well. This is how my brain works - around and around in circles. I guess we'll just continue NTNP (not trying, not preventing) this month and see what happens. Next month we will move on to our plan - Clomid/HCG trigger shot. Until then, I will continue to obsess over peesticks because that is one of the things I do best.

Letting My Hair Down

It's been nice to forget about TTC for a little while. I needed this break. I'm feeling happier and more content with life now. I do look forward to getting back to it with my next cycle, although I am terrified of the heparin/Lovenox injections that will come with a positive HPT. I watched some youtube videos on how to do it, and they all talk about how painful it is and the bad bruising, and here are some tips to lessen those awful things...ugh! Now, back to forgetting about what's to come and just enjoying the moment I am currently in.

Tomorrow is my 14 year wedding anniversary. I can hardly believe it's been that long - I don't feel old enough to have been married for 14 years. To celebrate, my husband and I called in the grandparents to watch our little punkin' so that we could have a night out last Friday. We got a room at a beautiful, historic hotel, went to a nice dinner at Mitchell's Fish Market, and enjoyed live music in the hotel bar. It was so nice, fun, romantic, and relaxing!

It's hard to see in the photo, but the band is playing in the background behind the bar. It is this beautiful art deco hotel with amazing architecture. It's almost like being in another time when you are there.

In other news, we have started potty training. Today was day one and it didn't go as smoothly as I had hoped, but we stayed in a good mood and I tried to remain carefree and just let things happen, even if we did go through many pairs of big girl pants and I spent a good part of the day on my hands and knees wiping up accidents. The hugs and kisses I got from my little ladybug more than helped keep me in a relaxed state of mind. She is at such an amazing and fun age right now. I love her genuine hugs that come with an "I wuv you," seeing her independence come out with a "MY do it," and listening to her play pretend - the things her sweet little mind comes up with are too adorable. Even if we are not blessed with another take home baby, I'm the luckiest Mommy in the world!