Facebook & Blog Concerns

I've been down this road before. Pregnant after dealing with infertility and loss. I have days where I am hopeful and excited, most days are like that now that I'm in the second trimester, but I also have days of fear and dread. In addition to dealing with all things pregnancy related, I find myself worrying about upsetting my IF/miscarriage friends on facebook and blogs. I know how it feels to read pregnancy updates when that's all you want for yourself. I also feel like I've worked so hard to get here that I should enjoy it and share my joy.

What is this blog all about...for the most part, I started it to get my feelings out. To have a safe, anonymous place to say all the things I didn't feel like I could say to anyone else. To have a record of the things I have gone through to look back and reflect on. I didn't even know if I would have any followers. If that helped other people along the way, that was part of it. That makes me feel like I'm contributing to society in a good way and giving this journey some purpose. If I can offer an ounce of hope or comfort to someone going through something similar, then I welcome that opportunity. Now I'm afraid of upsetting and offending people, so I'm not sharing fully. I would never walk into a room with a real life infertile/miscarriage friend and complain about morning sickness or my latest freak out over the pregnancy. I'm pregnant, she may never be, I could never be so insensitive. So I struggle with what is appropriate now for my blog. I think I need to go back to the initial intention and have this be a place for my feelings and emotions. I want to do that without hurting anyone, but I'm not sure if that is a possibility. I know how raw infertility and miscarriage make your emotions. I guess this is me saying that I will be talking about those things that might be too much for some of you to read, and if you need to step away from reading for a while, I completely understand. I won't be offended if you don't comment, I want you to do what you need to do for your own emotional needs and please do not feel an obligation here. I would be thrilled if everyone continued to read, but I get it and understand fully. I've been thinking of writing this post for a while now and just decided I needed to post.

Facebook is even more tricky in a way, because I know I have several friends who are infertile or have suffered loss. I could block them from my pregnancy posts, but I'm sure there are many who I don't even know have suffered through IF/miscarriage who may very well be just as hurt. I would have been irritated if a friends decided for me to block me from her posts, let me decide who's pregnancies I want to follow and who posts too much for me to handle. I'm not one who posts complaints about pregnancy, but I do post belly pics, ultrasound pics, cravings, baby gaga weekly updates, things like that. I see so many people post about their pregnancies who have no idea what it feels like to read those posts from the other side. I don't want to be that girl, but I also want to share my joy. This is such an exciting and hopeful time for us and I feel like positivity is really helpful mentally and physically. I'm just so torn, being pulled in both directions emotionally. I just wish nobody had to go through these types of struggles and heartaches.

In pregnancy news, I'm feeling this little one move already! It's so reassuring and the BEST part about pregnancy. We have a 16 week anatomy scan set up for December 5th. We'll also do a 20 week scan. I'm hoping all looks good and we get a peek at the gender. My doppler has been so helpful to have. I'm in the time frame now of when we lost our son (sometime between 14.5-16 weeks), so I've been extra nervous. I don't feel consistent movement yet, so the doppler helps. I've been sick with some sort of upper respiratory infection for a couple weeks and had to take a Z pack, which I was reassured by my doctor was safe in pregnancy and better than an infection settling in my lungs, so I took it. I hate that I had to, but it was for the best. My glucose test and crown for my tooth have been on hold until I get better. I'm hoping I can get them both in before my OB appointment on the 30th. My tailbone pain and sciatica have started. It makes it difficult to walk any distance, even just shopping can be hard to accomplish. My OB wrote me a script for physical therapy, which I had to do after my daughter was born, but I don't have childcare for her twice per week and I don't think my insurance covers that many visits. I'd rather wait and use the visits after the baby is born and they can use those electric pulses on me, those helped the most and they can't use them on pregnant women. I have a pain in my right calf that I keep worrying is DVT, yes, my anxiety makes me a hypochondriac. So, that's what has been happening. Enjoying the pregnancy most days, worried others. I'm looking forward to being past that 20 week anatomy scan...then breathe.

I hope you all have a beautiful Thanksgiving with much to be thankful for. I feel so blessed this year.