The Stress of Waiting

I am not a patient person in regards to life in general, throw in something huge, like the life of my baby, and it's next to impossible for me to stay calm and stress free during the wait. Only two more days until my first ultrasound. That doesn't sound too far away, but it sure feels forever away! The thing is, I know if we have good or even great results, the worrying will start all over again until we reach the next milestone. It's never ending.

I finally stopped POAS about a week and a half ago. I still have some tests in my closet, but I'm afraid of seeing the "hook effect" (when the HCG in your system is so high that it "fools" the test and the test line starts to look lighter than it did), and freaking out that something is wrong.

I find myself questioning every ache or pain or cramp my body has, every gush of fluid I feel, every pregnancy symptom I feel or don't feel. It's a vicious cycle of stress.

Part of me is not allowing myself to get too attached just yet. It almost feels like I'm still in the "Two Week Wait," waiting to see if I'm really pregnant, or rather, if this pregnancy is really viable. I'm already 7 weeks 3 Days pregnant. At 8 weeks the baby moves from embryo to fetus status. I feel like the joy of this was ripped from me and that makes me so mad! I love being pregnant, and this may be the last time I am, so I want to be able to love and cherish every second of it, this stupid stress just keeps getting in the way! Then I try to snap myself back to reality...I'm so fortunate to have been able to have my daughter and to get pregnant several times since then. There are women who never get that. I was one of those women for 8 years and would get so angry when I saw women who had at least one healthy child complain about their trials and tribulations, because what I wouldn't give for that one. Now I have her and I am so blessed. I'm just hoping and wishing with all my might that I will be blessed again with this baby...please let this one be strong and healthy and let this pregnancy be healthy and uneventful. Let my husband, daughter and I bring home another healthy little baby to help complete our family and make it even more full of love and joy. THAT'S what I'm putting out in to the universe.

Phenomenal!

That's what my OB said about my third set of beta numbers. Phenomenal! What a great relief and another hurdle crossed.

1st Beta 11 DPO:
HCG = 44.5
Progesterone = 25.5


2nd Beta 18 DPO:
HCG = 857.8
Progesterone = 34.6


Doubling time = 39.67 hours


3rd Beta 26 DPO:
HCG = 11,809.0
Progesterone = 24.3


Doubling time = 49.17 hours

I got the results on our way to a wedding in Chicago. I was so worried that the news would not be good and then I would have to put on a happy face for the weekend. Luckily the news was wonderful and easily gave me a smile from ear to ear for the big event! That will be my last beta unless I have spotting.

I set up my first ultrasound for October 13th. Only a week and a half away. I can't wait! We will hopefully see at least one good strong heart beat in there. Based on my beta numbers, I fall in the median category for twins, although I had numbers similar to this with my daughter, and she was a singleton. Seeing the numbers and how big my belly has already grown makes me very curious to have a peek. I'm guessing my belly is looking 3 months pregnant at 6 weeks because it wasn't too long ago I was in the second trimester with my son. Things just haven't had a chance to get back to normal before getting pregnant again.



I love looking pregnant already, but of course worry that something is wrong since I'm so big so soon. It's also a little embarrassing when people ask how far along I am, and they look a little shocked.

I can't let this blog go without mentioning that this past Saturday, October 2nd, was the due date of the first baby we lost. Of course I thought about it. I think it was good that we were in Chicago and celebrating. I also think it helped that we are expecting again. It really didn't bother me as much as I thought it might. I'm fairly certain my son's due date will be much more difficult for me, but this one wasn't too bad.

So Far So Good

I got my second beta blood work results today and things are looking really good!

1st Beta 9/14/2010 - 11 DPO:
HCG = 44.5
Progesterone = 25.5


2nd Beta 9/21/2010 - 18 DPO:
HCG = 857.8
Progesterone = 34.6


Doubling time = 39.67 hours


They like to see the HCG double every 48 hours and the progesterone needs to be at at least a 10 to support a healthy pregnancy.

Needless to say, we are thrilled right now! I know all too well that things could still go wrong, but this is one major hurdle crossed. I go back next Wednesday for another blood draw. Today I feel good and hopeful. It just feels like things are going to turn out well for us this time around. I hope that's not just wishful thinking.

I'm already exhausted and I'm getting waves of nausea. The funny thing is, I'm mostly excited and happy about those things because they are a good sign that the pregnancy is going well! Tomorrow I will be exactly 5 weeks pregnant. I wish I could just skip ahead to about 25 weeks pregnant and have all of the big tests out of the way. I'm hoping the next 15-20 weeks go by quickly with as little stress as possible.

My First Beta Bloodwork Results

The days seem to be dragging on so slowly right now, as we wait to see how this pregnancy is progressing. I've been doing this "wait and see" pregnancy thing for 8 months total now with 3 different pregnancies. The stress has taken it's toll on me a bit.

The good news is I had my first beta blood draw at my OB's office on Tuesday. I was 11 DPO, and my results came back at 44.5 HCG and 25.5 progesterone. She said the progesterone level is excellent and the HCG is in the normal range and that we expected it to be a low number like that because of how early I am. I go back in one week for another beta test to see how things are progressing. I feel good right now. My home pregnancy test lines are continuing to get darker, so that's a good thing. I can't even tell you how many I have taken in the past week. Here is a photo of the progression from 9 DPO through today at 13 DPO. These are all First Response tests.

And here's how my chart turned out...

I want to let myself get excited about this, and I do sometimes. I wish I had the "jump with both feet in" attitude I had with my first pregnancy. I am making a point to stop and rub my belly and talk to my little poppy seed and breathe in the joy of this beautiful time. It may be short lived or it may be a lifetime, either way, right now it is a joy, and I love this little baby with every bit of my heart!

Testing and Anxiety

The anxiety never stops, at least not at this point. I keep taking tests and the lines keep getting darker! Yay! I still get nervous each time I take one. Here is tonight's:

Today I had my first beta blood draw at my OB's office. I will get the results in a day or two. Then I'll go back and do it again in a week to see how everything is progressing. We'll also do an early ultrasound at 6 or 7 weeks to look for a heart beat.

I felt good at my appointment today, mostly excited, a little nervous, and a little sad. I brought in my son's Certificate of Life to be signed by my OB and her medical assistant. Everyone in the office was really supportive and happy to see me back. They all thought the certificate was beautiful. I felt like my son was with me today, especially, as I saw a butterfly flit past the front door as I was headed in for my appointment. I have seen more butterflies this year than ever, and it is such a warm, happy feeling when I do.

Love A Good Digital Test!

I had to post again today because I got a positive on the digital test I took tonight. I couldn't be more excited! There is nothing like seeing that beautiful word pop up!

Isn't that beautiful!!!

On our way home from Target I asked my husband if he thought I should take the digital test tonight or tomorrow. He said he didn't care, so I asked when he would take it if he were me, and he said tomorrow just to be sure it showed "pregnant" and I wouldn't be disappointed to see "not pregnant." Of course I couldn't wait once I got home, so I went upstairs to take it. Once I got the result I brought it down and with a sad face told him he was right and I should have waited, then handed him the stick. He was beyond excited when he saw that wonderful word! He jumped up and hugged me!

Here We Go Again!

Guess what I saw today...2 pink lines on a few home pregnancy tests! It looks like I got a BFP, well, maybe more of a LFP (little faint positive). It's light, but it is there without a doubt. I am 9 DPO today. That makes for the earliest positive I've ever gotten, especially if you count that faint one from two days ago. I can't seem to capture a great photo, but I did get light possible positives this morning on 3 different types of tests. This afternoon I got two definite light positives on two different types of tests. I always love to see the digital tests pop up and say "pregnant," then you have no doubts at all. I think I'll pick up a couple when I go to Target this evening. That makes all the symptoms I've been having make sense. Nausea, cramps, emotional, sore boobs, skin breakout. I had a feeling I was pregnant, just like I did the last two times I got pregnant. I just kept second guessing myself. The reality of it seemed so far fetched. We had to try eight years to get pregnant with our daughter. Now I have gotten pregnant the last three times we've tried, without fail (we just failed to keep two of them. I'm hoping our luck has changed for the better). Here's a test...look closely...

Like I said, not a great photo, but it is an obvious light positive when looking at it in person. The fact that I had positives on other tests today backs that up for me too. Hopefully we will see them get darker over the next few days. So, here we go again on this great journey! Hoping for the best possible outcome and loving this little bean so much already!

What A Day!

I'm in the two week wait, which is never a stress free time for me. I have a ton of home pregnancy tests sitting in my closet now (probably close to 50). Many different brands and price ranges. I started testing already, at 7 DPO. Isn't that silly and ridiculous!?! I told myself I wouldn't do that this time because I didn't want the ups and downs. I'm overanalyzing my symptoms and testing early, go figure! So far my symptoms seem to be sore, itchy, hot boobs. I also have AF type cramps, exhaustion, sensitive teeth, and I'm emotional. My tell tale pregnancy sign is tingly, hot boobs. I've had that symptom every time I've been pregnant, and never when I'm not. Today I think I'm starting to feel the tingling, but I'm just not sure I can trust it. I'm afraid I'm just hoping that I do, so I think I do. For the fun of it, I'll post my test from this afternoon. I can see a really, really, really faint line on it, but I'm trying not to get my hopes up too much. I'm so early. I don't usually get a light positive until about 10 DPO. I'm a little embarrassed I've already started testing. Tomorrow is my Mom's birthday, and I was just thinking about how wonderful it would be to take a positive digital test with a bow on it as an additional birthday gift. I don't think I'll have one by tomorrow though. For the record, Fertility Friend changed my ovulation date from Thursday to Friday, which is when I really thought I ovulated anyway. If you look closely, just to the left of the "T" on the cassette, you might be able to see the faint line.

Today was strange mix of emotions for me. When I went to the mailbox, I found I had received two packages. One was the Certificate of Life and the paperwork to register our son with the state. The other package was home pregnancy tests (including the one above). I felt sad and hopeful all at once. Part of me wonders if our son had a hand in them both coming at the same time. Maybe it's his way of telling us it's okay to move forward and hope for new life.

Ovulation Confirmed

It looks like I ovulated. Hooray! Of course I can't even seem to keep myself calm and secure about it. My temperatures have not been ideal or easy to interpret. I had to discard an odd high number from last Monday in order to get my crosshairs to confirm O on Fertility Friend. I'm assuming that number was high because of the cosmo I had the night before (which may also be the case for the other high temps earlier in my chart. I was on a bit of a cosmo kick at the beginning of my cycle. I haven't done that for a while, so I'm not sure how alcohol affects my temperatures, but I have read that it can). Typically my temperatures would be a bit higher by now, post ovulation.

Thursday seems to have been "the day" according to Fertility Friend. Although I think I had O pains late Thursday night, which makes me think I O'd overnight on Thursday or early on Friday. I feel good about my last two cycles. They have been fairly "normal," which is exciting for someone like me.

Emotionally, it has been a bit difficult. I've had a lot of anxiety and mood swings. My irritability was through the roof on Friday and Saturday. That may have had something to do with ovulating, the fact that I'm still emotional over the miscarriage, my husband being out of town while I was ovulating, and my sweet little girl working on four teeth at once right now. It's been an interesting week to say the least. On to the two week wait!

No....Wait...I Think THIS Is It....

Story of my TTC life. What I thought might be ovulation before wasn't ovulation at all. The good news is I'm pretty sure I'm about to ovulate now. The bad news is my husband is out of town until tomorrow night.

I got a positive OPK both yesterday and today. I'm also having ovulation pains, oddly enough, they are on both sides off and on. I think after this long I know what they feel like, but maybe I'm misinterpreting the sensations for something else. Signs for ovulation are pointing in the right direction. I just hope our BD timing has been good enough. Several of my girlfriends have told me it is. They have been wonderful at helping to calm my anxiety. Here's my chart:

  

I still don't get the saliva scope. Either I don't know how to use it properly, my hormones are still a little wacky from the miscarriage, or it doesn't work that great. I expect to see my temperature jump within the next day or two. Then it's on to the two week wait. I'm sure I'll be on pins and needles and needing my girlfriends again to continue to calm my nerves. I have such a love/hate relationship with this process.