Our Year At A Glance

My husband was showing me this really cool website http://www.wordle.net/ You can type in any phrase or a url to a website and it makes this cool artsy thing with the most frequently used words. I thought it would be interesting to take a look at the last half of our year via this blog. Here's what I got (click on the picture for a larger image)...

Amazing how that really does sum it all up.

I called my RE's office for an appointment today. We go in January 14th to discuss the past year and see what options we may have to assist in a healthy pregnancy. It's strange thinking about going back when we got pregnant 3 times on our own. I just want to see if she can help us get a healthier egg. Our insurance won't cover a thing, so I don't know how far we will be able to go realistically. I could go on and on about how unfair I think it is that health insurance companies can dictate who can have a baby and who can't based on what they do and don't cover in the infertility world, but if I get started, I don't think I could come up for air. I just get so angry for the people out there who would make beautiful parents and never see that opportunity because of big insurance deciding fertility issues are not a medical necessity. Try telling that to the people struggling with infertility! For most people struggling with infertility there is something in their body that isn't functioning the way it is supposed to - health insurance should cover that! Okay, rant over for now. I am looking forward to meeting with her. She's the best and I know she will help lead us down the right path.

Our Christmas Blessings

We received one glorious Christmas blessing 3 days before Christmas 2 years ago. Our little ladybug turned 2 on December 22nd this year. Time really does fly! We had fun parties and lots of presents and cake! She had a ball!

Sporting a hat and glove set she got (the girl loves her hats) and playing with her new kitchen (hopefully she'll enjoy cooking more than I do).

We received another blessing this year. When we met with the genetic counselor she looked at our testing (both babies' and my husbands and mine) and our family history. Based on what she saw she said we have no higher risk of anything going wrong with a future pregnancy. Any baby we have will still have a 98-99% chance of not having Down Syndrome or Turner's Syndrome. All three miscarriages this year have been nothing more than a string of bad luck. Moving forward, this is the best news we could have received. Things look very promising that we can have another healthy child. We feel very blessed with that news.

It doesn't look like this was our month. AF arrived today. I had a lot of promising symptoms and some tests with questionable light lines, but it wasn't in the cards this month. I think the questionable lines were because of some very low levels of HCG that may have still been in my system from the miscarriage. In preparation for next month I ordered some more of those pink cassette pregnancy tests (the ones that gave me a light positive at 7DPO with my last pregnancy) from a guy in the UK on Ebay. Hopefully we'll get some nice pink lines on those in the next month or two. We are looking forward to 2011 with a positive attitude!

Knowledge Is Power

That's what they say. We have some answers. All of our blood work came back normal. The lupus profile, the chromosome/genetics on both me and my husband; all normal. That's a relief! It is looking more and more like we just had horrible luck to miscarry three times in a row.

We also got answers about our last baby. She was a girl and she had Turner's Syndrome. It makes it more real and more sad to know this. I'm glad we know, don't get me wrong, but now as I think of a sweet little girl lost, I'm more sad. I've done some googling. Statistics say that 99% of fetuses with Turner's Syndrome miscarry in the first trimester (for once we fall into the general odds). Statistics also say that those girls born with Turner's Syndrome lead a fairly normal life without too many horrible life threatening complications. Interesting. Statistics also say that the odds of Turner's happening again are no higher once you've already conceived a baby with it.

Now we have lost one baby who had one too many chromosomes and one baby who had one too few. There's some irony for ya.

We will meet with a genetics counselor on Monday to see what they have to tell us. I'm not anticipating much more than the advanced maternal age speech, but we'll see.

As for the two week wait, I've had some symptoms that are promising - tingling, hot, sore, itchy boobs, bloating, fatigue, and frequent urination. I won't count emotional crying all the time because that can easily be accounted for without surging hormones. I might test on Monday. How would that be for our meeting with the genetics counselor! Oh yeah, and by the way, I'm pregnant right now, please tell me everything will be A-OK!

Due Date

It's here. My son's due date. Numb. Sad. Heartbroken. Empty.

I find that I let myself cry until I get to the point where my arms start to physically ache from the need to hold him and my heart feels like it's about to shatter. Then I cut myself off. I don't know if that's a healthy way to handle it or not, but it's a subconscious thing. The pain just gets too great and my brain shuts it all out. I had no idea until I lost him that physical pain from heartache was even possible.

I should be holding a soft warm newborn right now. I should be euphoric and sleep deprived. I should be so overwhelmed with my love for my new little baby that I can't look at anyone else. I should be seeing my husband hold his son and see the dreams he has for him written all over his face. I should be introducing a beautiful big sister to her brand new little brother.

Again, I am touched and overwhelmed by the beautiful out pour of love from our friends and family. We have received several cards, emails, and facebook messages. I am so grateful for their love, support, and strength.

We wanted to do something special to honor our son today. I googled and asked people for suggestions. Several people recommended a balloon release, which I think we will do on July 9th - his birthday (is that even what it should be called). We got snowed in today, so I don't think we'll have an opportunity to do much besides light a candle in his memory.

My sweet boy - Mommy loves you more than words could ever say. You will forever be in our hearts.

Mix of Emotions

One week. One week away from our son's due date. We bought a Fur Real polar bear to donate to Toys For Tots in his honor. My husband and I graduated from the same college, and the polar bear is the mascot. When we had our little girl, my husband's gift to her on the day she was born was a stuffed polar bear. He had also bought one for our son, which sits in a chair in the supposed-to-be nursery. We will be with family this weekend, that will help keep us busy.

Yesterday we had blood work done for a multitude of things. 2 trips to the lab, 3 hours, 6 sticks (5 of those in my hands), and 5 viles of blood later (plus 2 sticks and 4 viles for DH), and I think they have what they need, at least for this round of blood work. I have tricky veins. It's the weirdest thing. They used this really cool infrared light thing on me yesterday so they could see my veins through my skin. I've been told for years that my veins are tiny and that they roll. One nurse even told me that she literally saw my vein do a zigzag when she put in the needle. Sometimes when they get the needle in the vein, it still refuses to give them blood (or enough blood, depending on it's temperament). With this infrared thing, the women at the lab were pushing on my vein with a finger and we all were watching my veins do the zigzag. It was strange and cool all at the same time. It also tells me that I will always have trouble giving blood, ugh! I felt a little bit like a guinea pig, but at least everyone stayed in good spirits. They were even sweet enough to give me a gift card to the hospital gift shop afterwards. So now I'm bruised, but I have lots of candy! We got tested for genetic/chromosomes and a general blood panel work up. I also got my thyroid tested and got a lupus panel. I'm not sure when we will have results back, but I'm very curious to see how they turn out.

In other news: I'm ovulating. We weren't "supposed" to start TTC again yet, but it just sort of happened. I was waiting until I was sure the bleeding from my miscarriage had stopped before we BD'd again. Once I was sure that had happened (a few days ago), we did the deed. I had taken an OPK that night right before and it was negative. The next day it was pretty close to positive. After some discussions and encouragement from my online girlfriends, we decided we might as well fit another BD in last night because I'd already potentially get pregnant anyway, so why not give it a better chance. Today my OPK is blazing.

I had some pains in my ovary last night, and all other signs are pointing toward ovulation. Honestly, I think I will be okay whichever way it goes this month. It would be a wonderful Christmas gift though - to finally get pregnant with our healthy "take home" baby. I should know by my daughter's 2nd birthday on the 22nd. I'm not sure how to handle the mix of emotions of being and the two week wait and having my son's due date all at the same time, but it is what it is.

The Dreaded Month...

It's December. The month I have been dreading since we lost our son in July. His due date was December 16th. I've been an emotional mess today. Lots of tears have fallen.

I hate how this month is full of both happiness and sorrow! It seems so unfair! Our daughter will turn 2 on the 22nd. Celebration and joy! We are looking forward to celebrating Christmas with our extended family. We are enjoying seeing the look of excitement and wonder in our daughter's eyes! Yet these waves of sorrow blanket my heart from time to time.

I've been on the phone this week. We still don't have results back about the last miscarriage. I'm currently setting up some of the testing anyway. I have a lot of blood work to be done. They'll do a thyroid check, lupus profile, and chromosome testing. I wonder how many viles of blood they'll have to get.

A few people acknowledged the month today and that they are thinking of us. I was very touched by that. More than I can put into words. It's going to be a very difficult few weeks.