Limbo

What a strange place to be. With my other miscarriages we found out that the heart had stopped beating via ultrasound and knew it was over immediately. Then the following day miscarried those babies. It was shocking and fast, but there was no limbo. I think I prefer no limbo. I sit here, fairly certain that this baby is not going to survive, yet not wanting to really say those words out loud just in case it's our miracle baby. My belly does not seem to be growing anymore, but I still get to experience the joys of morning sickness and exhaustion. That's another reason that I want this to be over with already if the baby isn't going to survive. Am I pregnant? Am I not? Technically, I guess I am pregnant. If someone asked me if I am I wouldn't know what to say...."well....I am but the baby doesn't appear to be viable" - that just sounds weird!

Friday's ultrasound should give us some answers. I find myself considering both outcomes. The miscarriage outcome and how I want to handle the miscarriage. Naturally if possible with the help of some misoprostol to start the contractions, just like my last two. It's uncomfortable and painful, but I feel like I get closure that way as opposed to going under for a D&C. Not to mention the hospital costs that I would like to avoid if I can and my fear of being put under. I also think about seeing a miracle baby in there with a strong heartbeat. I would be upset that I was so stressed for no reason for these few weeks, but on the other hand, I'll already be 9 weeks along, so not far until hitting the second trimester. I would be shocked if that were the outcome, but it sure would be nice!

I heard a term recently that I had not heard before. Rainbow baby. From what I've read, it is a term used for a baby that is conceived/born after a woman loses a baby via miscarriage, stillbirth, neonatal death, or infant loss. Like the rainbow after a storm. Something beautiful has appeared through the storm clouds. I like it. I hope we get to have a rainbow baby.

"This Pregnancy Does Not Look Viable"

This blog has been a wonderful outlet for my emotions over the past year and has helped me to face and work through our tragedies. This time around I find myself not wanting to talk about it so much. I think it must be because I want to believe that a miracle is in our future.

I had my 7 week ultrasound last Friday, March 18th. My RE said "this pregnancy does not look viable." The sac grew and is 6 weeks (I should be 7), there is something in the sac that measures 5weeks 5days, but it doesn't look normal, she said she couldn't even say it looked like a yolk sac or a fetal pole, it was just some sort of tissue. No heartbeat. My corpus luteum is still there and big, so I won't be miscarrying for a while. We didn't do betas, but we will go back for another ultrasound in 2 weeks. She talked about my last beta and said that it wasn't good, but it wasn't awful either. Obviously the ultrasound gives us a better view of how the pregnancy is progressing. I can't help but think there must be some very very slim possibility all could be okay, otherwise why wouldn't she speed the miscarriage process along? She said we wouldn't intervene yet, then asked if I was okay with that, which I am. That's what I would choose.


I got back all my results on my blood work and all the blood clotting disorder stuff came back normal. I asked to have my Vitamin D level tested because I have been reading some things about that and if it's low, it may impact genetics and cause miscarriage. So, I'll get those results back soon and take a supplement if need be.

From what I've been reading, only 50% of couples with recurrent pregnancy loss get answers as to why. It looks like all of mine are most likely chromosome issues (at least half of them are), and my husband and I were tested and showed no abnormal chromosomes. So....either my eggs are just old and bad, or whatever problem we have is beyond medical science at this point I'm feeling a little hopeless and wondering if we will ever have another take home baby again.

I hate that my belly pops so early! I look obviously pregnant already. I always do by 6 weeks. My belly is growing every day. How do I hide this belly so I don't have to deal with awkward conversation?! I'm exhausted and I have nausea and food aversions too. Yippee! Those things are a pain when you think the baby is viable, but when you know it's probably not, all of these things are so irritating!

Last night I had this intense dream of giving birth to a beautiful, healthy little girl. I was cuddling her and nursing her and showing her off to our family. It was such a warm and beautiful dream. Then I woke up to the cold reality of a probable non viable pregnancy. I had a similar dream the night before we found out our last baby girl had died. Part of me wants to have those dreams every night, if only I weren't so sad when I wake up. With each of my lost pregnancies I have felt like I have seen all these wonderful signs before I got pregnant and/or during the early stages of pregnancy. I really feel like there is this little life that is trying desperately to come into our lives and stay, I just haven't produced a healthy enough body for them yet. I guess we'll just keep trying...

My daughter's nursery wall says it all....

Hoping For A Miracle

I haven't been able to come here and actually say it out loud yet. It's just so unbelievable to me at this point. We need a miracle right now!

I went in on Friday at 6 weeks pregnant for my first ultrasound. We did not see what we had hoped for on the screen. The baby was there, in my uterus, but measuring less than 5 weeks with a yolk sac, but no heartbeat. The prognosis is grim. I just can't believe I could possibly have 4 miscarriages in a row in a little more than 1 year after having a perfectly healthy daughter. What on Earth could be wrong? She took my betas again and I got a call on Saturday with the results. Progesterone is 38, which is great. HCG is 2786. My RE said it should be around 4000. I put my numbers into the betabase calculator and it gave me a doubling time of 66 hours. Typical doubling time is 48-72 hours, so it is still within normal range. That is giving me a tiny bit of hope. The website Misdiagnosed Miscarriages is also giving me some hope. I'm trying not to have false hope and I'm trying to be realistic. I know the odds are not in our favor (we seem to go against the odds lately, so maybe we will again, and this time it will be to our advantage). I think I just need to hold on to some hope right now. Hope that I ovulated a couple days later than I thought, that the baby implanted a little late, that my tilted uterus or where the baby implanted makes it more difficult to see on ultrasound, that it's starting out growing a little slow but will catch up and be healthy...hoping for a miracle <3

We go back in for another ultrasound this Friday. So much can happen in one short week at this stage. Please let that miracle be there with a strong heartbeat!

Feeling Good

Tonight my test finally did what I have been waiting for. The test line is quite noticeably darker than the control line on the First Response test (top test). Whew! The pink cassette tests are getting darker, but I don't know that there will be much difference than what I see here. They were inexpensive and I think a little low on dye or something.

I also realized I had not posted my pregnancy Fertility Friend chart yet, so here that is...

I am feeling positive and relieved tonight. I am beside myself waiting for that first ultrasound this Friday. I think my week will go by very slowly. I'm going to keep this short and sweet, just wanted to update.

Anxiety

I hate having anxiety. Since Sunday I have been obsessing over my pee sticks. The test lines are as dark as the control lines, so I should be happy, right!? Well, for 3 days they have been the same, and I know the test line is supposed to get darker than the control line eventually. I'm just afraid it's not happening fast enough and maybe the pregnancy has stalled out. I've had anxiety with every pregnancy, but let me tell you, having 3 miscarriages all at different times has really done a number on me. I have to wait until Next Friday to have an ultrasound, and until then, I am in limbo as to how well I am progressing. I am listening to Belleruth Naparstek's guided imagery Healthy Pregnancy. I am trying so hard to be strong and positive. Today has not been a great day for that. I am hoping that my next test gives me the comfort and relief I am looking for.