Limbo

What a strange place to be. With my other miscarriages we found out that the heart had stopped beating via ultrasound and knew it was over immediately. Then the following day miscarried those babies. It was shocking and fast, but there was no limbo. I think I prefer no limbo. I sit here, fairly certain that this baby is not going to survive, yet not wanting to really say those words out loud just in case it's our miracle baby. My belly does not seem to be growing anymore, but I still get to experience the joys of morning sickness and exhaustion. That's another reason that I want this to be over with already if the baby isn't going to survive. Am I pregnant? Am I not? Technically, I guess I am pregnant. If someone asked me if I am I wouldn't know what to say...."well....I am but the baby doesn't appear to be viable" - that just sounds weird!

Friday's ultrasound should give us some answers. I find myself considering both outcomes. The miscarriage outcome and how I want to handle the miscarriage. Naturally if possible with the help of some misoprostol to start the contractions, just like my last two. It's uncomfortable and painful, but I feel like I get closure that way as opposed to going under for a D&C. Not to mention the hospital costs that I would like to avoid if I can and my fear of being put under. I also think about seeing a miracle baby in there with a strong heartbeat. I would be upset that I was so stressed for no reason for these few weeks, but on the other hand, I'll already be 9 weeks along, so not far until hitting the second trimester. I would be shocked if that were the outcome, but it sure would be nice!

I heard a term recently that I had not heard before. Rainbow baby. From what I've read, it is a term used for a baby that is conceived/born after a woman loses a baby via miscarriage, stillbirth, neonatal death, or infant loss. Like the rainbow after a storm. Something beautiful has appeared through the storm clouds. I like it. I hope we get to have a rainbow baby.