Compassion

When I was pregnant with my daughter I did not get sick once. No colds, infections, stomach bugs, nothing. I got sick a lot for the first few months she was here, but that's another story. I have already had several colds and an upper respiratory infection with this pregnancy. For even more fun and worry, I woke up on Thursday puking. Let me tell you how strange that sensation is when your stomach is pushed all the way up at the top of your belly. The night before we had some take out shrimp. My husband ate it too and did not get sick, so I don't know if it was the shrimp or a bug. Either way, I was shaky, weak, sick, stomach cramps, and contracting, so my OB told me to go to labor and delivery triage, so off we went.

They checked me in and hooked me up to a contraction monitor and a fetal heart rate monitor. This woke my son up and he kept kicking. It was nice to get to sit and listen to him for an hour. They did a cervix check and said I was a fingertip dilated on the outer part, which is normal for women who have already had a baby, but nice and tight inside. I wasn't dehydrated, surprisingly, and my blood sugar levels were fine (95). While I was being monitored there were no contractions. They gave me a list of things to watch for and come back in for if I experienced them, otherwise, just let the illness run it's course. That's what I've been doing. Luckily the puking stopped after that morning, but the rest has lingered a bit.

My main purpose for writing this entry is to talk about the amazing nurse I had. She was asking all the questions they need to in order to get me all checked in, and as we started talking about the son we lost at 17 weeks, her tone changed. She told me she was the head of the demise comity at the hospital and wondered how everything happened at their sister hospital, where I was taken care of after his birth, and how I felt about it. I told her how we delivered him in our bathroom, still in the sac, and how we were afraid to touch him too much because we wanted to be sure he could be tested. She asked if we got to hold him and if they took pictures, I said no. She told me how sorry she was and that he was part of our family and the first thing they would have done there is broke the sac, wrapped him in a blanket, and let us hold him. There would have been photos and the entire situation would have been handled like a delivery and a loss. She is one of the few medical professionals to make me feel really validated in our loss and mourn, not only our son, but also the lack of comfort we received at the hospital. I haven't really cried like this about him for months, but this nurse granted me a very powerful gift that day...understanding and compassion, the permission to feel it again, and the validation that things were not handled as they should have been. I don't know if she'll ever know what she did for me that day, but it was very powerful and I am forever grateful.