Another Due Date

Today is the due date of our little girl. We lost her at 9 weeks after seeing a strong heart beat just two weeks before. She had Turner's syndrome. I miss her, love her, and wish she were here with us today. As I was reading a magazine this afternoon (I'm so far behind in my subscriptions that I'm reading magazines from a year or two ago), I turned the page to an article in Glamour's September 2010 issue titled "The Baby I Lost...and the Life She Gave Me." Instant tears streamed down my face. It seems meant to be that I opened it on today of all days. I can't help but wonder if there is some big life lesson in all of these losses for me. It all seems so senseless. I already appreciate my daughter so much, after struggling for 8 years to conceive her. I did wonder if I would appreciate a second baby as much if I got pregnant easily. Now that is no concern. I know if we are blessed with another take home baby I will treasure him or her just as much. Maybe I'm supposed to do something with this pain to help others in the same pain. Maybe I'm supposed to learn how strong I am and can be. I wish I could figure out what the lesson in all of this, if there even is a lesson. I recall Oprah talking about life lessons and when you are meant to learn something, it starts out as a whisper and gets louder until you get it. It scares me if I don't 'get it' yet, I don't want even more tragedies to happen in our lives!

Only one more due date of a miscarriage to go. Hopefully that is the last one I ever have to deal with. Right now I'm okay with not being currently pregnant. For my other two due dates I wanted to be pregnant with the hope of another healthy baby on the way. This time that isn't important to me. Last night I had nightmares about miscarriages. Even when I think I'm doing 'okay' my subconscious steps in to tell me differently. It's not as bad as my son's due date. Everything pales in comparison to that. I find myself grieving about our little girl or my other two losses, and it always morphs into grieving about my son too. I picture his sweet little face and his tiny hands and feet. Maybe it's because I was much farther along with him, maybe it's because he's the only one I saw, so the others seem more abstract. I saw our little girl, but she was still in the sac and I couldn't make anything out. The only true memory I have of her to hold on to is the ultrasound at about 8 weeks with her heart beating strong. I'm happy to have a photo of that ultrasound.

Just to pour more salt in the wound, AF arrived just in time for my due date. My luteal phase was a day or two longer than usual this month. It's usually about 17 days, which is long and abnormal to begin with. I've been researching long luteal phase, but am only finding info saying that it is rare, but probably doesn't cause any significant fertility issues. There may be a problem with uterine lining, but that doesn't seem to be our issue with losses.

40th Week...

"You're in the home stretch. Congrats! Your due date is here, but is your baby?".....ummmm, NO!

This is the email I got today. A big thank you to Similac for the reminder (not that I needed one) that my baby girl was due this week. Friday, May 27th, to be exact. I tried to unsubscribe from everything, but I'm still receiving random emails from baby related companies, baby magazines and coupons in the mail, and a nice canister of formula. I'm sure there will be even more to come over the next several weeks. I have been moody and down in the dumps anyway, so I try to pull myself up by the bootstraps and slap on a happy face, then something like this just knocks me back down.

I need to try and focus on happy things. We finally had a nice, sunny weekend (well, most of it was sunny). It was great to get outside and play. We took a trip to the zoo, which is one of my daughter's favorite places to go. Weekends like that certainly lighten the spirit. My husband and I have planned a romantic overnight for our anniversary in a couple weeks, so we are both really looking forward to that. I'm counting down the days.

In cycle news, I think AF will be here soon. I need to call my nurse and fill her in on where I'm at in my cycle, my MRI results, and let her know that we won't be starting Clomid until next cycle. I'm just not ready this cycle, especially since I would most likely be taking it on my daughter's due date. That's just too much for me right now. One more month of a break, then we will start the process again.

Results and Ovulation

I got my MRI/MRA results today. Let me just tell you how nice it is to get good results for a change! Everything looks normal! We can proceed with our plan to use Heparin or Lovenox with the next pregnancy and I don't have the additional stress of worrying about a brain aneurysm in the near future. I am more relieved than I even realized I would be. I think my fears of brain aneurysms have been hanging over my head ever since my mom had one several years ago. I feel a great amount of relief.

In other news, I think I finally ovulated on Saturday night or Sunday last weekend. My body kept revving up to O for a little while now, but I never did get a full positive OPK until Saturday. It was blazing and I had horrible O pains Saturday night into Sunday. My cycles may not be predictable, but what I experience during ovulation is fairly standard for me, and by now, I know how to read the signs. It was a pretty strong O especially for not being on Clomid this cycle.

Technically, I could start Clomid again with my next AF and jump in immediately. My RE has OK'd this, as long as I had my MRI results in and they looked good. I'm considering taking one more cycle off. I'm thinking mentally and emotionally I might need a little breather. This is another due date month for our little girl we lost. Those months are always more difficult. Although July 9th is the one year anniversary of the loss of our son. That will be beyond difficult too. I also feel like I have been either pregnant or miscarrying for a year and a half straight now with hardly any breaks in between. I think I need to let my hair down for a second and live a bit of life that is not completely focused on where I am in my cycle and what test I'm going to have done next. I have a two day road trip with a girlfriend planned in June to see New Kids on the Block with Backstreet Boys (NKOTBSB) in concert. It would be nice to do that without thinking about ovulation or testing or "am I pregnant" moments or worrying that I'll be O'ing on meds when I'm not with my husband. I have been working out and trying to tighten up my forever loose stomach muscles after all these pregnancies and have been buying, for the first time since before I was pregnant with my daughter 3 years ago, real clothes, not maternity clothes. I'm just starting to feel good about getting myself back to normal, at least a little bit. My only concern with waiting is my age and my cycles being long. I'm afraid that waiting one cycle will end up being more than just one month. Part of me is ready to go for it immediately again. I have a stash of OPK and HPT test strips sitting in my closet (and by stash I mean about 35 OPK's and 90 HPT's, which I can easily go through in a couple of cycles, haha). I guess I have about a week to make up my mind, but right now I'm leaning towards taking one more cycle off.

MRI/MRA Today

I had my MRI/MRA done this morning. They didn't use any contrast dye, so no vein sticks for me, yay! I just had to hold still in the head cage for about 30-40 minutes. It wasn't too bad, just really weird. I should have the results back within the next couple days. I'm glad to be getting this out of the way and am really hoping for good results. I'd like to be able to put my mind at ease on this part of it all.

I had a nice Mother's Day with my husband, daughter, and both of our parents. I was a bit sad, knowing that my other babies aren't here to celebrate with me and to snuggle, but I tried to focus on what I am so lucky to have. The celebrating started on Saturday with donuts in bed with my girl. I don't like to show my daughter's face on here since it is a public blog and I want to keep her safe, in case you were wondering why you never see her. I would love to show you all how absolutely adorable she is, but blurred, profile, and from behind shots are all I feel safe posting.

We went to a very cool Heritage Village with  buildings from the 1800's. It was really interesting and our daughter did really well. I wasn't sure how she would do on the tour, but she did great!

Sunday we went to both my Mom and my husband's Mom's houses to visit. It was a beautiful day. It's funny how much more you appreciate your own mom once you are a mom too. I knew my mom did a lot for me through the years, but I don't think I realized just how much until now. I just feel so blessed to be a mom.



Reflecting

I've been reflecting on how important this internet community of women is to me. The road we are on as Mothers, Mother-In-Waiting, Miscarriage Survivors, Infertility Battlers, and Infertility Survivors is not an easy one. I am continuously amazed at the openness and compassion each woman has for each and every journey, no matter how easy or difficult. Had I gone through the past several years without you all in my life, I know I would not be as strong on this side of it as I am today. For that I thank you.

"Our lives begin to end, the day we remain silent about the things that matter to us." -Martin Luther King, Jr.

I am so impassioned with sharing my story if only to help one person feel less alone on this journey. I have been thinking about other ways to give back to this community, maybe more directly to those suffering from these things in my community. I'm not sure I've come up with "the" idea yet, but I've been considering some different options...I'm just not sure how to get the ball rolling. At least with this blog I feel like I am contributing in some small way.

I met with my general practitioner yesterday. She has scheduled me for an MRI/MRA of the head on Tuesday, May 10th. I'm not too worried about the procedure itself, just the IV for the contrast because of my tricky veins. However, I am so worried about the results! My stupid anxiety always convinces me I'm going to find out some horrible deadly thing with every test I have done. So, hopefully the results come back all normal and we can move on with my RE.

My anxiety has been getting worse with each miscarriage. I also talked to my GP about going back on my anxiety meds. The ones that would work for me are all Class C and I would have to come off of them in the 3rd trimester, so I'm not sure it's worth the risk (which is why I've been off of them since I got pregnant with my daughter). I'm not really sure what to do, I just wish I didn't feel so worried about everything. She has left the decision up to me and doesn't have a problem with me being on them through the first and second trimesters. I just don't know...

International Babylost Mothers Day

Today is International Babylost Mother's Day. I didn't know this day existed until someone I know who suffered a stillbirth told me about it and passed on the love and support to me. 

 

"United in grief, we find love and strength. IBMD recognizes babylost women all over the world as mothers. Just because a woman loses her first baby does not mean that she is not a mother anymore. She will be a mother for the rest of her life. On this special day in May we come together to celebrate our connection, our children and our hope for the future. IBMD is a day for love, peace, remembrance and recognition. If you know a babylost woman why not tell her today that she is a beautiful mother. "

 

 

 

I have met many angel mommies over the past year and I want each of you to know that I am thinking of you today and I know that each of you is a wonderful mother to every single one of your babies whether they are at home with you are playing with the angels.

 

I'm a bit more emotional than usual tonight. I found out someone who was due the same day I was for our lost May baby had her twins today. I am really happy for her. She had a very scary and difficult pregnancy (the babies shared a placenta), and she was given frightening statistics from the beginning of her pregnancy. I recall being afraid for her and thinking to myself that she more than likely would be in my shoes. My odds were good, hers were not, she had 2 healthy babies, I lost my baby...funny how things work out. Doctors certainly can't predict everything. Needless to say, it has stirred up emotions for me.

 

I found out my beta HCG from last Monday was 14. I thought that was about what it would be based on the HPT that I took. I go on Wednesday to my general practitioner to talk about the CT Scan or MRI. I might talk to her about some safe anxiety medications too. I have been trying to hold off going back on them until after we have all of our children, but my anxiety has been getting worse with all that has been happening. I want to talk it through with her and see if there is a safe medication that could help.