Another Due Date

Today is the due date of our little girl. We lost her at 9 weeks after seeing a strong heart beat just two weeks before. She had Turner's syndrome. I miss her, love her, and wish she were here with us today. As I was reading a magazine this afternoon (I'm so far behind in my subscriptions that I'm reading magazines from a year or two ago), I turned the page to an article in Glamour's September 2010 issue titled "The Baby I Lost...and the Life She Gave Me." Instant tears streamed down my face. It seems meant to be that I opened it on today of all days. I can't help but wonder if there is some big life lesson in all of these losses for me. It all seems so senseless. I already appreciate my daughter so much, after struggling for 8 years to conceive her. I did wonder if I would appreciate a second baby as much if I got pregnant easily. Now that is no concern. I know if we are blessed with another take home baby I will treasure him or her just as much. Maybe I'm supposed to do something with this pain to help others in the same pain. Maybe I'm supposed to learn how strong I am and can be. I wish I could figure out what the lesson in all of this, if there even is a lesson. I recall Oprah talking about life lessons and when you are meant to learn something, it starts out as a whisper and gets louder until you get it. It scares me if I don't 'get it' yet, I don't want even more tragedies to happen in our lives!

Only one more due date of a miscarriage to go. Hopefully that is the last one I ever have to deal with. Right now I'm okay with not being currently pregnant. For my other two due dates I wanted to be pregnant with the hope of another healthy baby on the way. This time that isn't important to me. Last night I had nightmares about miscarriages. Even when I think I'm doing 'okay' my subconscious steps in to tell me differently. It's not as bad as my son's due date. Everything pales in comparison to that. I find myself grieving about our little girl or my other two losses, and it always morphs into grieving about my son too. I picture his sweet little face and his tiny hands and feet. Maybe it's because I was much farther along with him, maybe it's because he's the only one I saw, so the others seem more abstract. I saw our little girl, but she was still in the sac and I couldn't make anything out. The only true memory I have of her to hold on to is the ultrasound at about 8 weeks with her heart beating strong. I'm happy to have a photo of that ultrasound.

Just to pour more salt in the wound, AF arrived just in time for my due date. My luteal phase was a day or two longer than usual this month. It's usually about 17 days, which is long and abnormal to begin with. I've been researching long luteal phase, but am only finding info saying that it is rare, but probably doesn't cause any significant fertility issues. There may be a problem with uterine lining, but that doesn't seem to be our issue with losses.