I had a post op appointment and consultation with my RE today. I seem to be recovering well from the miscarriage and D&C. They did test the tissue they got from the D&C and it was placental tissue, so it was a good thing I had it done to clear everything out. She said it looks like I am about to ovulate. To confirm that, I took both a pregnancy test and an ovulation test tonight. The pregnancy test is very faint and it is a sensitive test, so I would guess my HCG level is below 20. The OPK is pretty close to positive. It looks like my RE knows what she's talking about ;) No surprise there!
We talked for a long time during our consultation about our different options in moving forward to try for another baby. The problem is there is no perfect solution or medication for what we are experiencing. The chromosomal abnormalities I have had with two of our babies are abnormalities that can be compatible with life and live births, so we can't be certain that is what caused my miscarriages, although it is the most likely cause. There could be other factors even though most of our testing has come back fine, aside from being PAI-4G/4G, but my PAI levels are in the normal range.
One option is she could send us to Chicago to see Dr. Kwak-Kim who specializes in immunological diseases. I *could* have natural killer cells that attack the babies and cause me to miscarry. Dr. Kwak-Kim can test for that and if I test positive, she does a therapy that I don't fully understand. What I understand her treatment to be is she infuses your blood several times throughout your pregnancy with something that helps block the natural killer cells. It is quite expensive, around $1500 per infusion and can cost up to $20,000 for an entire pregnancy. Chances are I don't have that because we have our daughter but natural killer cells can develop at any time, so it is a possibility.
Another option could be a new medication that is an insulin sensitizer since the Glumetza didn't work for me. My RE is not familiar enough with it and wants to check more with a doctor who is.
IVF is not recommended for someone in our position. Since we are not having problems getting pregnant and since our chromosome problems are too broad, they don't recommend that for us. IUI will not increase our chances at a healthy baby either. So both of those are out. My Clomid challenge to test my FSH, egg quality, and ovarian reserve looked good, which is better than looking bad, although no guarantee we can have another healthy baby. She said from the ultrasounds my ovaries look good, not polycystic, and it looks like there are eggs in there.
The plan we think we are going with for now is as follows: 100 mg of Clomid CD 3-7, ultrasound to check follicles on CD 12, HCG trigger shot when follicles are the correct size, and heparin shots once I get a positive pregnancy test. We are hoping taking Clomid CD 3-7 will produce more eggs so that my body naturally selects the highest quality egg for pregnancy. The HCG trigger shot will ensure the egg releasing before it gets too mature and starts to deteriorate. I need to make an appointment with my general practitioner and set up either a CT Scan or an MRI for my brain because brain aneurysms run in my family and we want to make sure everything looks okay before starting heparin injections. The heparin will help if any of my miscarriages were caused by blood clotting disorder factors. It will be something that I will inject twice per day (in my stomach *cringe*) for the entire pregnancy (or at least until it's close to delivery time). They will monitor my platelet count and my red blood cell count and I will increase my calcium and vitamin D because it can cause osteoporosis. I am also starting back up on baby aspirin and will probably continue with the Neevo DHA prenatal vitamins. I'm already on an increased vitamin D3 dose.
It always feels good to have a plan. I am afraid of having the CT Scan or MRI because I'm terrified of getting bad news. Once that is over, assuming all looks good, I think I'll feel a bit more confident in our plan. It is disheartening to me that she basically laid out all of our options and let us choose which course we thought was best for us because there is no course of action proven to work for our situation. It looks like our problem may be more advanced than medical science is at this time. We are holding on to hope though and trying our best to bring another healthy baby home.
Monday, April 25, 2011
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Some People Can Be So Heartless
Honestly, just about every person I have come across in this trying to conceive/miscarriage journey has been loving and supportive, but every once in a while someone blindsides you with their lack of empathy and compassion.
I have shared some general information about our losses on facebook. Typically a simple statement that we have lost a baby followed by some very generalized testing answers or vague information about needing surgery. I know not everyone on there would want to know many details, so I keep it straight forward with little detail. I feel like I can share much more detail here on my blog than I would ever think of sharing anywhere else in the world. I also feel quite comfortable being honest about our losses and think that it is healthy to reach out to people for support in a time of difficulty. I think being open and honest about loss can be helpful to others who struggle with loss in private and feel alone, hopefully giving some comfort.
With that being said, I was quite surprised that someone who I was facebook friends with (someone I went to college with) would come at me on facebook telling me that miscarriage is a "dirty little secret" like "cheating and venereal disease" and they don't want to hear about it. She went on to tell me how shocking and uncomfortable it has been for her to read about my miscarriages and that she doesn't want to hear about the gory details and the play by play while drinking her morning coffee. That "Trust me, if you posted about your new herpes sore I'd be just as offended!" And that one should "save gory details for someone who might care or relate!" There was more said in the couple of posts and private messages she sent me, but this gives you the general idea.
One thing I found so hurtful about this was the fact that she lumped miscarriage in with STD’s as if it should be some dirty little secret to keep to yourself. The death of a baby is hardly in the same category. Sharing the heartache can make the pain less lonely. Reaching out to people to find support in a difficult time is something that many of us, as humans, do. There is nothing abnormal about that, be it on facebook, blogs, message boards, the phone, wherever.
I have been so upset by this (which just irritates me more because she isn't worth my concern). I just can't understand how someone could come at a person who has been through so much with such disregard for their feelings. But, apparently my dead babies have made her uncomfortable while she tries to enjoy that coffee of hers. Hope she doesn't turn on the news or Oprah because there may be other people out there who she doesn't know well sharing intimate things about their lives, how uncomfortable! Perhaps she should look to a different source of entertainment with her morning coffee, something where people don't regularly share things about their lives. Or perhaps she could have just defriended me or blocked my status updates if they were offensive to her. Needless to say, she is no longer on my friends list. I am just surprised that at my age there are women out there who still like to act like "mean girls," what's the point in that?
I have shared some general information about our losses on facebook. Typically a simple statement that we have lost a baby followed by some very generalized testing answers or vague information about needing surgery. I know not everyone on there would want to know many details, so I keep it straight forward with little detail. I feel like I can share much more detail here on my blog than I would ever think of sharing anywhere else in the world. I also feel quite comfortable being honest about our losses and think that it is healthy to reach out to people for support in a time of difficulty. I think being open and honest about loss can be helpful to others who struggle with loss in private and feel alone, hopefully giving some comfort.
With that being said, I was quite surprised that someone who I was facebook friends with (someone I went to college with) would come at me on facebook telling me that miscarriage is a "dirty little secret" like "cheating and venereal disease" and they don't want to hear about it. She went on to tell me how shocking and uncomfortable it has been for her to read about my miscarriages and that she doesn't want to hear about the gory details and the play by play while drinking her morning coffee. That "Trust me, if you posted about your new herpes sore I'd be just as offended!" And that one should "save gory details for someone who might care or relate!" There was more said in the couple of posts and private messages she sent me, but this gives you the general idea.
One thing I found so hurtful about this was the fact that she lumped miscarriage in with STD’s as if it should be some dirty little secret to keep to yourself. The death of a baby is hardly in the same category. Sharing the heartache can make the pain less lonely. Reaching out to people to find support in a difficult time is something that many of us, as humans, do. There is nothing abnormal about that, be it on facebook, blogs, message boards, the phone, wherever.
I have been so upset by this (which just irritates me more because she isn't worth my concern). I just can't understand how someone could come at a person who has been through so much with such disregard for their feelings. But, apparently my dead babies have made her uncomfortable while she tries to enjoy that coffee of hers. Hope she doesn't turn on the news or Oprah because there may be other people out there who she doesn't know well sharing intimate things about their lives, how uncomfortable! Perhaps she should look to a different source of entertainment with her morning coffee, something where people don't regularly share things about their lives. Or perhaps she could have just defriended me or blocked my status updates if they were offensive to her. Needless to say, she is no longer on my friends list. I am just surprised that at my age there are women out there who still like to act like "mean girls," what's the point in that?
Thursday, April 14, 2011
The Procedure
Tuesday, April 12th was the big D&C day. Medical procedures give me a lot of anxiety so I spent the night before and the morning of all worried and worked up. Afraid I was going to die and not be there for my little girl. Needless to say, she got a million kisses and hugs before I left. My parents came to watch her while I went for surgery. My husband and I arrived at the hospital at 11AM, got all checked in, then they told my us to give our hugs and kisses, that he would not be allowed back with me while I get all hooked up and ready to go. This is apparently a newer policy and not one that I'm a fan of, especially for something like this. We are dealing with the emotional loss of a baby in addition to the stress of surgery.
The staff at the hospital was amazing. They were all so kind and compassionate. They all expressed how sorry they were for our loss and I received a lot of encouragement to keep trying. There were a handful of nurses tending to me and I felt like each one genuinely cared. What a difference that makes!
My IV experience was not so good. No surprise with my veins though. I had a blood draw at my doctors office the day before and had 3 pokes and some bruises from that already (including my right hand). I found out from those tests that my beta HCG level is now down to 416. The nurse felt so bad, but it took 5 or 6 tries, 2 nurses, and lucky for me, some lidocaine to help numb some of those spots first. My hands look like a pin cushion and are so bruised and sore. More insult to injury and I think the pain and stress from that started my emotional plummet. I couldn't stop shaking. I got some medicine for my GERD, pepcid through my IV and this awful sour stuff to drink.
They gave me some magazines to read, plied me with warm blankets (I love those blanket warmers they have at hospitals. Wouldn't it be great to have those at home on a cold night!?!), offered some music, but I still couldn't hold it all together. I heard the woman next to me talking to her doctor. She was there to have her tubes tied and get her IUD out. She is lucky enough to have 4 children and can decide it's time to stop having them, while I'm sitting here waiting to for my 4th, much desired baby, to miscarry. Even more insult to injury. The tears started to flow. My doctor poked her head in about that time and came over to comfort me. She got me some tissues and talked to several different people about getting my husband back with me while I waited. She couldn't believe they stopped allowing that. I don't know that I've ever seen my doctor genuinely mad until that moment. It was nice to have her in my corner for that. At that point they gave me some medicine to relax me which helped.
I think it was around 12:45PM when they wheeled me back to the OR. Back there my RE sat up by my head to comfort me and I met my anesthesiologist. He was such a kind and interesting man. He was a priest before he started doing this and offered to bless our baby once it came out. I told him that wasn't necessary (A: I'm not Catholic and B: There is a good chance the baby had already passed and was no longer in there), but it really touched me and was such a beautiful thing to offer. He was also really funny and helped put me at ease. He made a joke about holding my hand as I went to sleep and hoped my husband wasn't the jealous type. I started to feel the warm burn of the meds in my arm. I felt so safe and cared for and in good hands, which was exactly what I needed. It was a very emotional and difficult day.
It was a little after 2PM when I woke up. Apparently the surgery went well. She only used suction, no scraping. She did get some additional tissue which she sent to the lab to test for fetal tissue. We won't do any chromosome testing even if fetal tissue is found. We still aren't sure when we passed the baby. I tend to think it was already out before the surgery. It's hard to tell when the sac is so small.
I was nauseous when I woke up, so I got some meds for that and something for the pain from cramping. They gave me some cookies and soda while I finished coming around. I asked for my husband right away and they brought him back. My doctor had talked to him before she left and filled him in on how everything went. Within an hour we were able to leave. I've had very minimal bleeding and mild to moderate cramping since I've been home. My body is achy and I'm still a little weak. I've been taking vicodin to ease the pain but it makes me really loopy and tired, so I've been napping a lot and needing help taking care of our daughter. She is at her Grandparents' house today. I'm not supposed to lift her for a few days and I'm certainly not capable of caring for her safely on vicodin.
Again, I am touched and thankful for all of the wonderful people in our lives. Thank you for your kind words and thoughtfulness. It really means more than you could ever know.
I go back to my RE for a post op check up in about two weeks. Then we'll start over yet again...
The staff at the hospital was amazing. They were all so kind and compassionate. They all expressed how sorry they were for our loss and I received a lot of encouragement to keep trying. There were a handful of nurses tending to me and I felt like each one genuinely cared. What a difference that makes!
My IV experience was not so good. No surprise with my veins though. I had a blood draw at my doctors office the day before and had 3 pokes and some bruises from that already (including my right hand). I found out from those tests that my beta HCG level is now down to 416. The nurse felt so bad, but it took 5 or 6 tries, 2 nurses, and lucky for me, some lidocaine to help numb some of those spots first. My hands look like a pin cushion and are so bruised and sore. More insult to injury and I think the pain and stress from that started my emotional plummet. I couldn't stop shaking. I got some medicine for my GERD, pepcid through my IV and this awful sour stuff to drink.
They gave me some magazines to read, plied me with warm blankets (I love those blanket warmers they have at hospitals. Wouldn't it be great to have those at home on a cold night!?!), offered some music, but I still couldn't hold it all together. I heard the woman next to me talking to her doctor. She was there to have her tubes tied and get her IUD out. She is lucky enough to have 4 children and can decide it's time to stop having them, while I'm sitting here waiting to for my 4th, much desired baby, to miscarry. Even more insult to injury. The tears started to flow. My doctor poked her head in about that time and came over to comfort me. She got me some tissues and talked to several different people about getting my husband back with me while I waited. She couldn't believe they stopped allowing that. I don't know that I've ever seen my doctor genuinely mad until that moment. It was nice to have her in my corner for that. At that point they gave me some medicine to relax me which helped.
I think it was around 12:45PM when they wheeled me back to the OR. Back there my RE sat up by my head to comfort me and I met my anesthesiologist. He was such a kind and interesting man. He was a priest before he started doing this and offered to bless our baby once it came out. I told him that wasn't necessary (A: I'm not Catholic and B: There is a good chance the baby had already passed and was no longer in there), but it really touched me and was such a beautiful thing to offer. He was also really funny and helped put me at ease. He made a joke about holding my hand as I went to sleep and hoped my husband wasn't the jealous type. I started to feel the warm burn of the meds in my arm. I felt so safe and cared for and in good hands, which was exactly what I needed. It was a very emotional and difficult day.
It was a little after 2PM when I woke up. Apparently the surgery went well. She only used suction, no scraping. She did get some additional tissue which she sent to the lab to test for fetal tissue. We won't do any chromosome testing even if fetal tissue is found. We still aren't sure when we passed the baby. I tend to think it was already out before the surgery. It's hard to tell when the sac is so small.
I was nauseous when I woke up, so I got some meds for that and something for the pain from cramping. They gave me some cookies and soda while I finished coming around. I asked for my husband right away and they brought him back. My doctor had talked to him before she left and filled him in on how everything went. Within an hour we were able to leave. I've had very minimal bleeding and mild to moderate cramping since I've been home. My body is achy and I'm still a little weak. I've been taking vicodin to ease the pain but it makes me really loopy and tired, so I've been napping a lot and needing help taking care of our daughter. She is at her Grandparents' house today. I'm not supposed to lift her for a few days and I'm certainly not capable of caring for her safely on vicodin.
Again, I am touched and thankful for all of the wonderful people in our lives. Thank you for your kind words and thoughtfulness. It really means more than you could ever know.
I go back to my RE for a post op check up in about two weeks. Then we'll start over yet again...
Monday, April 11, 2011
D&C Scheduled
The second round of misoprostol and a weekend filled with lots of walking to help move things along did not quite do the trick. I went in for another ultrasound today and still have tissue or clots in my uterus. My doctor scheduled a D&C for noon tomorrow. I have so much anxiety when it comes to medical procedures, especially surgery. She reassured me that this will be minimally invasive. She will only use suction, no scraping so that there will be no scar tissue. I won't have to be intibated and it will be a short procedure. Hopefully it will go smoothly and once the procedure is finished I'll be finished physically with this miscarriage.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Miscarriage Complications
It never fails. My body likes to hold on to these little babies. I went in last Saturday to have the misoprostol inserted. Just like my last miscarriages, about 4 hours later I started to cramp, bleed, and pass some tissue. The cramping continued but the bleeding let up after a few hours. Sunday there was continued cramping but little bleeding. I was hoping I was done with it all, but knew the bleeding was much less than I had with my other miscarriages. Finally, Monday afternoon I started having major cramps and really started bleeding and passing more tissue. The heavier cramps continued through Tuesday but the bleeding tapered off again so I went to see my doctor. She did an ultrasound and sure enough, there was a large clot blocking my cervix. She yanked it out, Oh My Goodness that HURT! I was cringing, crying, wanting to puke and my husband was restraining himself from leaping across the exam table to knock my doctor away from me. Apparently she hit the side of my cervix or uterus with a tool. I went home with some vicodin and continued taking my oral misoprostol and antibiotic.
I went back today for another ultrasound and there is still tissue in my uterus that hasn't really moved in 2 days. I'll go in tomorrow morning for her to insert more misoprostol. Hopefully that will create some strong enough contractions to expel the rest of it.
My body is sore and exhausted. Cramping and having contractions for 6 days straight will really do a number to you. The vicodin helps ease the pain and allows me to sleep through the night, which is nice, but it also makes me hazy and unable to safely care for my 2 year old. My husband has been home most of the week to take care of the both of us. My parents were down for a while to help out so my husband could do some work from home and so our toddler wouldn't have to come to doctor's appointments. Today she went to Grandma and Grandpa's house (my husband's parents) and had a ball. Thank goodness I have so many caring people who are willing to help out. I feel so bad pulling people away from their lives. That has been happening a lot over the past year. One of my husband's coworkers and his wife brought us a wonderful dinner. They have done that for every miscarriage we have had. I finally announced our loss on facebook and am so touched by the emails and messages we have received. I feel so blessed to have such wonderful people in our lives.
I went back today for another ultrasound and there is still tissue in my uterus that hasn't really moved in 2 days. I'll go in tomorrow morning for her to insert more misoprostol. Hopefully that will create some strong enough contractions to expel the rest of it.
My body is sore and exhausted. Cramping and having contractions for 6 days straight will really do a number to you. The vicodin helps ease the pain and allows me to sleep through the night, which is nice, but it also makes me hazy and unable to safely care for my 2 year old. My husband has been home most of the week to take care of the both of us. My parents were down for a while to help out so my husband could do some work from home and so our toddler wouldn't have to come to doctor's appointments. Today she went to Grandma and Grandpa's house (my husband's parents) and had a ball. Thank goodness I have so many caring people who are willing to help out. I feel so bad pulling people away from their lives. That has been happening a lot over the past year. One of my husband's coworkers and his wife brought us a wonderful dinner. They have done that for every miscarriage we have had. I finally announced our loss on facebook and am so touched by the emails and messages we have received. I feel so blessed to have such wonderful people in our lives.
Friday, April 1, 2011
Our 4th Angel Baby
The 9 week ultrasound did not go well today. The baby has not grown at all since our last ultrasound. There is still no heartbeat. The sac has something in it that our doctor said may be remnants of a yolk sac. She called it a blighted ovum. I can't say we expected much more but we had hoped for a miracle. She also said that blighted ovums are most often due to a chromosomal abnormality.
Tomorrow morning I will go to my doctor and have misoprostol inserted, then go home and miscarry. I think that is the best way for me to miscarry. I know what to expect and there is some closure with it, even though it is pretty uncomfortable. She offered a D&C but I just don't want to have the anesthesia and the procedure done. I think it is healthier for my body to miscarry naturally. My body likes to continue to produce progesterone even when our babies aren't going to make it and that just makes my body hold on and not miscarry. For a healthy pregnancy, that's a great thing and at least that's not an issue I have to worry about.
My vitamin D level did come back a little low. It was a 26 and they like it to be between 30-100. She is having me start a 2000 iu per day supplement. Hopefully that will help something.
We will make another consultation appointment with her to see how we should proceed for a future pregnancy. She brought up heparin shots, I'm not so sure...I need to learn more. It seems to me if our issues are due to chromosomes that heparin wouldn't help that, but I'll see what all I can find out about that.
Tonight I am enjoying our 2 year old blessing (and a little extra junk food)!
Tomorrow morning I will go to my doctor and have misoprostol inserted, then go home and miscarry. I think that is the best way for me to miscarry. I know what to expect and there is some closure with it, even though it is pretty uncomfortable. She offered a D&C but I just don't want to have the anesthesia and the procedure done. I think it is healthier for my body to miscarry naturally. My body likes to continue to produce progesterone even when our babies aren't going to make it and that just makes my body hold on and not miscarry. For a healthy pregnancy, that's a great thing and at least that's not an issue I have to worry about.
My vitamin D level did come back a little low. It was a 26 and they like it to be between 30-100. She is having me start a 2000 iu per day supplement. Hopefully that will help something.
We will make another consultation appointment with her to see how we should proceed for a future pregnancy. She brought up heparin shots, I'm not so sure...I need to learn more. It seems to me if our issues are due to chromosomes that heparin wouldn't help that, but I'll see what all I can find out about that.
Tonight I am enjoying our 2 year old blessing (and a little extra junk food)!
Monday, March 28, 2011
Limbo
What a strange place to be. With my other miscarriages we found out that the heart had stopped beating via ultrasound and knew it was over immediately. Then the following day miscarried those babies. It was shocking and fast, but there was no limbo. I think I prefer no limbo. I sit here, fairly certain that this baby is not going to survive, yet not wanting to really say those words out loud just in case it's our miracle baby. My belly does not seem to be growing anymore, but I still get to experience the joys of morning sickness and exhaustion. That's another reason that I want this to be over with already if the baby isn't going to survive. Am I pregnant? Am I not? Technically, I guess I am pregnant. If someone asked me if I am I wouldn't know what to say...."well....I am but the baby doesn't appear to be viable" - that just sounds weird!
Friday's ultrasound should give us some answers. I find myself considering both outcomes. The miscarriage outcome and how I want to handle the miscarriage. Naturally if possible with the help of some misoprostol to start the contractions, just like my last two. It's uncomfortable and painful, but I feel like I get closure that way as opposed to going under for a D&C. Not to mention the hospital costs that I would like to avoid if I can and my fear of being put under. I also think about seeing a miracle baby in there with a strong heartbeat. I would be upset that I was so stressed for no reason for these few weeks, but on the other hand, I'll already be 9 weeks along, so not far until hitting the second trimester. I would be shocked if that were the outcome, but it sure would be nice!
I heard a term recently that I had not heard before. Rainbow baby. From what I've read, it is a term used for a baby that is conceived/born after a woman loses a baby via miscarriage, stillbirth, neonatal death, or infant loss. Like the rainbow after a storm. Something beautiful has appeared through the storm clouds. I like it. I hope we get to have a rainbow baby.
Friday's ultrasound should give us some answers. I find myself considering both outcomes. The miscarriage outcome and how I want to handle the miscarriage. Naturally if possible with the help of some misoprostol to start the contractions, just like my last two. It's uncomfortable and painful, but I feel like I get closure that way as opposed to going under for a D&C. Not to mention the hospital costs that I would like to avoid if I can and my fear of being put under. I also think about seeing a miracle baby in there with a strong heartbeat. I would be upset that I was so stressed for no reason for these few weeks, but on the other hand, I'll already be 9 weeks along, so not far until hitting the second trimester. I would be shocked if that were the outcome, but it sure would be nice!
I heard a term recently that I had not heard before. Rainbow baby. From what I've read, it is a term used for a baby that is conceived/born after a woman loses a baby via miscarriage, stillbirth, neonatal death, or infant loss. Like the rainbow after a storm. Something beautiful has appeared through the storm clouds. I like it. I hope we get to have a rainbow baby.
Monday, March 21, 2011
"This Pregnancy Does Not Look Viable"
This blog has been a wonderful outlet for my emotions over the past year and has helped me to face and work through our tragedies. This time around I find myself not wanting to talk about it so much. I think it must be because I want to believe that a miracle is in our future.
I had my 7 week ultrasound last Friday, March 18th. My RE said "this pregnancy does not look viable." The sac grew and is 6 weeks (I should be 7), there is something in the sac that measures 5weeks 5days, but it doesn't look normal, she said she couldn't even say it looked like a yolk sac or a fetal pole, it was just some sort of tissue. No heartbeat. My corpus luteum is still there and big, so I won't be miscarrying for a while. We didn't do betas, but we will go back for another ultrasound in 2 weeks. She talked about my last beta and said that it wasn't good, but it wasn't awful either. Obviously the ultrasound gives us a better view of how the pregnancy is progressing. I can't help but think there must be some very very slim possibility all could be okay, otherwise why wouldn't she speed the miscarriage process along? She said we wouldn't intervene yet, then asked if I was okay with that, which I am. That's what I would choose.
I got back all my results on my blood work and all the blood clotting disorder stuff came back normal. I asked to have my Vitamin D level tested because I have been reading some things about that and if it's low, it may impact genetics and cause miscarriage. So, I'll get those results back soon and take a supplement if need be.
From what I've been reading, only 50% of couples with recurrent pregnancy loss get answers as to why. It looks like all of mine are most likely chromosome issues (at least half of them are), and my husband and I were tested and showed no abnormal chromosomes. So....either my eggs are just old and bad, or whatever problem we have is beyond medical science at this point I'm feeling a little hopeless and wondering if we will ever have another take home baby again.
I hate that my belly pops so early! I look obviously pregnant already. I always do by 6 weeks. My belly is growing every day. How do I hide this belly so I don't have to deal with awkward conversation?! I'm exhausted and I have nausea and food aversions too. Yippee! Those things are a pain when you think the baby is viable, but when you know it's probably not, all of these things are so irritating!
Last night I had this intense dream of giving birth to a beautiful, healthy little girl. I was cuddling her and nursing her and showing her off to our family. It was such a warm and beautiful dream. Then I woke up to the cold reality of a probable non viable pregnancy. I had a similar dream the night before we found out our last baby girl had died. Part of me wants to have those dreams every night, if only I weren't so sad when I wake up. With each of my lost pregnancies I have felt like I have seen all these wonderful signs before I got pregnant and/or during the early stages of pregnancy. I really feel like there is this little life that is trying desperately to come into our lives and stay, I just haven't produced a healthy enough body for them yet. I guess we'll just keep trying...
My daughter's nursery wall says it all....
I had my 7 week ultrasound last Friday, March 18th. My RE said "this pregnancy does not look viable." The sac grew and is 6 weeks (I should be 7), there is something in the sac that measures 5weeks 5days, but it doesn't look normal, she said she couldn't even say it looked like a yolk sac or a fetal pole, it was just some sort of tissue. No heartbeat. My corpus luteum is still there and big, so I won't be miscarrying for a while. We didn't do betas, but we will go back for another ultrasound in 2 weeks. She talked about my last beta and said that it wasn't good, but it wasn't awful either. Obviously the ultrasound gives us a better view of how the pregnancy is progressing. I can't help but think there must be some very very slim possibility all could be okay, otherwise why wouldn't she speed the miscarriage process along? She said we wouldn't intervene yet, then asked if I was okay with that, which I am. That's what I would choose.
I got back all my results on my blood work and all the blood clotting disorder stuff came back normal. I asked to have my Vitamin D level tested because I have been reading some things about that and if it's low, it may impact genetics and cause miscarriage. So, I'll get those results back soon and take a supplement if need be.
From what I've been reading, only 50% of couples with recurrent pregnancy loss get answers as to why. It looks like all of mine are most likely chromosome issues (at least half of them are), and my husband and I were tested and showed no abnormal chromosomes. So....either my eggs are just old and bad, or whatever problem we have is beyond medical science at this point I'm feeling a little hopeless and wondering if we will ever have another take home baby again.
I hate that my belly pops so early! I look obviously pregnant already. I always do by 6 weeks. My belly is growing every day. How do I hide this belly so I don't have to deal with awkward conversation?! I'm exhausted and I have nausea and food aversions too. Yippee! Those things are a pain when you think the baby is viable, but when you know it's probably not, all of these things are so irritating!
Last night I had this intense dream of giving birth to a beautiful, healthy little girl. I was cuddling her and nursing her and showing her off to our family. It was such a warm and beautiful dream. Then I woke up to the cold reality of a probable non viable pregnancy. I had a similar dream the night before we found out our last baby girl had died. Part of me wants to have those dreams every night, if only I weren't so sad when I wake up. With each of my lost pregnancies I have felt like I have seen all these wonderful signs before I got pregnant and/or during the early stages of pregnancy. I really feel like there is this little life that is trying desperately to come into our lives and stay, I just haven't produced a healthy enough body for them yet. I guess we'll just keep trying...
My daughter's nursery wall says it all....
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Hoping For A Miracle
I haven't been able to come here and actually say it out loud yet. It's just so unbelievable to me at this point. We need a miracle right now!
I went in on Friday at 6 weeks pregnant for my first ultrasound. We did not see what we had hoped for on the screen. The baby was there, in my uterus, but measuring less than 5 weeks with a yolk sac, but no heartbeat. The prognosis is grim. I just can't believe I could possibly have 4 miscarriages in a row in a little more than 1 year after having a perfectly healthy daughter. What on Earth could be wrong? She took my betas again and I got a call on Saturday with the results. Progesterone is 38, which is great. HCG is 2786. My RE said it should be around 4000. I put my numbers into the betabase calculator and it gave me a doubling time of 66 hours. Typical doubling time is 48-72 hours, so it is still within normal range. That is giving me a tiny bit of hope. The website Misdiagnosed Miscarriages is also giving me some hope. I'm trying not to have false hope and I'm trying to be realistic. I know the odds are not in our favor (we seem to go against the odds lately, so maybe we will again, and this time it will be to our advantage). I think I just need to hold on to some hope right now. Hope that I ovulated a couple days later than I thought, that the baby implanted a little late, that my tilted uterus or where the baby implanted makes it more difficult to see on ultrasound, that it's starting out growing a little slow but will catch up and be healthy...hoping for a miracle <3
We go back in for another ultrasound this Friday. So much can happen in one short week at this stage. Please let that miracle be there with a strong heartbeat!
I went in on Friday at 6 weeks pregnant for my first ultrasound. We did not see what we had hoped for on the screen. The baby was there, in my uterus, but measuring less than 5 weeks with a yolk sac, but no heartbeat. The prognosis is grim. I just can't believe I could possibly have 4 miscarriages in a row in a little more than 1 year after having a perfectly healthy daughter. What on Earth could be wrong? She took my betas again and I got a call on Saturday with the results. Progesterone is 38, which is great. HCG is 2786. My RE said it should be around 4000. I put my numbers into the betabase calculator and it gave me a doubling time of 66 hours. Typical doubling time is 48-72 hours, so it is still within normal range. That is giving me a tiny bit of hope. The website Misdiagnosed Miscarriages is also giving me some hope. I'm trying not to have false hope and I'm trying to be realistic. I know the odds are not in our favor (we seem to go against the odds lately, so maybe we will again, and this time it will be to our advantage). I think I just need to hold on to some hope right now. Hope that I ovulated a couple days later than I thought, that the baby implanted a little late, that my tilted uterus or where the baby implanted makes it more difficult to see on ultrasound, that it's starting out growing a little slow but will catch up and be healthy...hoping for a miracle <3
We go back in for another ultrasound this Friday. So much can happen in one short week at this stage. Please let that miracle be there with a strong heartbeat!
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Feeling Good
Tonight my test finally did what I have been waiting for. The test line is quite noticeably darker than the control line on the First Response test (top test). Whew! The pink cassette tests are getting darker, but I don't know that there will be much difference than what I see here. They were inexpensive and I think a little low on dye or something.
I also realized I had not posted my pregnancy Fertility Friend chart yet, so here that is...
I also realized I had not posted my pregnancy Fertility Friend chart yet, so here that is...
I am feeling positive and relieved tonight. I am beside myself waiting for that first ultrasound this Friday. I think my week will go by very slowly. I'm going to keep this short and sweet, just wanted to update.
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