Tuesday, November 16, 2010


Of course nothing about this process has been easy. Now I have more annoyances to add. Last week I started to notice some things weren't going quite right post miscarriage. I ended up passing another olive sized clot that smelled horrible. I called my OB who had me come in the next morning. First we did another ultrasound. The tech said there was some "stuff" still in my uterus, she thought it was most likely just fluid. I saw my OB then and she examined the clot and found that it was just that, a clot, no tissue. The odor was just because it had been up there so long (she referenced rotting meat, lovely thought). The she inserted the speculum and "squeezed" out a little more stuff that she said looked like decidua. If I was lucky, that would be the end of it. She gave me 7 days of antibiotic for infection. For a few days after that I bled a lot. Today it's been a little less. I'm still cramping off and on. I'm just ready for all of this to be over so I can move on. We are still waiting to hear if they got any information from testing the baby.

Today is one month away from my due date for our son. I would have had a son in one month...

Our daughter is amazing! She had an appointment with the nurse practitioner and she is very advanced in everything and is healthy, healthy, healthy! She amazes me every day. I love watching her read her books, and play pretend, and run around the house dancing and hopping and squealing. She is such a joy! She loves letters and numbers and tells us every time she sees them when we are out and about. She has been able to tell us the letter and the sound it makes for several months now, which I find astonishing! She has just recently started putting more than one word together. I just started planning her 2nd birthday party for next month. I can't believe my baby will be 2! Even with all of our heartache this past year, life is glorious! Thank goodness for our precious daughter!

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

We Have Another Angel Baby


We went for a routine OB appointment last Wednesday, October 27th. I was 9 weeks 5 days pregnant. It was a long visit with a new OB because my old OB has retired from the OB part of the business. We sat in his office and talked about how good our odds were that this baby would be just fine - we know from our son that odds mean nothing. We talked about where we would deliver the baby. We talked about how he would listen with the doppler but he told us not to worry or freak out if we didn't hear anything yet because it's early for that, and that we would go straight in for an ultrasound if we couldn't hear it. We listened first thing with the doppler when we got settled into the exam room and heard nothing. He said that's what he thought would happen and continued to do the rest of the exam. Then we went over for the ultrasound. First he did the ultrasound on my abdomen, we saw the baby. It was definitely bigger than the last time we saw it, just two weeks ago with a strong heart beating. I asked if he saw the heartbeat. He said he did and he thought he saw the baby move, then more silence. The technician asked if he wanted to use the trans vaginal ultrasound probe and he agreed to that, then told me that they may have just seen a reflexion of my heartbeat on the baby and that sometimes that happens. So I took a deep breath and they put in the probe. More silence...I asked again, do you see a heartbeat, then the floor fell out from under me..."No, I'm sorry, I don't." Nooooo! Not again! This is a nightmare I can't seem to wake up from! The baby measured 8 weeks 4 days. We talked about what to do. He gave me my options. I wanted to talk with my old OB, who is in the same office as them. She gave me the most sincere hug and we talked. She said the most healthy option for me would be to use the misoprostol again and "pass the tissue" so it could be collected right away and sent for testing. If all went well I wouldn't need a D&C. This process would be healthiest for my uterus and give us a better chance of getting results from the tested tissue.

On Friday morning, October 29, 2010, I went in and she inserted the misoprostol vaginally and I went home to wait for contractions and bleeding to start. It took about 4 or 5 hours for the contractions to start, they weren't as bad as the contractions I had at 17 weeks with our son, just uncomfortable. Then a little while later I felt a couple of pops and the blood started gushing out. I went straight to her office. She put me in stirrups, put in a speculum, and started collecting tissue as it came through my cervix. This was also uncomfortable, but not awful. It was so much more clinical and more like a miscarriage than the one I had with my son, which was more like a birth. When the baby came out it was still in the sack, so we couldn't really see very much. It was so tiny and it really didn't even seem like we were looking at our child. Once she thought I passed everything we went for an ultrasound. She said I would still have some clots and residual tissue to pass, so keep taking the misoprostol for 24 hours orally. I had a lot of cramping on our way home, and once we got there, I had a huge gush of blood then passed a HUGE clot or piece of tissue. We called her and she said to bring that in for testing too, so we did. I'm still bleeding and cramping today. She said it could last a week to ten days. We'll get the testing results in a couple weeks.

My husband was right by my side like always. He is such a wonderful support and I wouldn't have been able to get through the past several months without him. They say things like this either make a relationship stronger or they tear you apart. I have such love, admiration, and appreciation for him. He's the one who made us stronger with his love, support, and devotion. For him and our beautiful daughter I feel so blessed!

We have also had such a strong outpouring of love from our family and friends over the past several months. Their love and support has meant so much to us. Everything from those simple strong words of "I'm so sorry for your loss," to meals, books, help cleaning, babysitting, emails, letters, cards, flowers. I've been so touched. It's wonderful knowing that people love you and are thinking of and praying for you. I hope we are able to report only happy things to them from here on out! If you are one of them, we thank you with all our hearts!

Now we wait...wait to see if they can get tissue to grow for testing, wait for the results, wait to see if we can find out if our baby was a boy or a girl, wait to see what we do next. Our new OB said my husband and I could go in for some blood tests for genetic testing to see if there is some underlying thing causing a genetic issue for our babies. I can also have some imaging done of my uterus to see if there have been any changes that might make it not be compatible with carrying a child anymore. I just want answers and something that tells us we can move on and keep trying. I ordered a book that is supposed to have a lot of information about what tests to ask for and what to look for in our situation. I want to go in armed with knowledge. I want to get this figured out as soon as possible - I'm 37 and I'm afraid I'm running short on time. I just want to have one more healthy child. A sibling for our daughter. If we can't have more children I just want to know that too, so I can mourn that and move on. I don't want to miss a second of happiness with our daughter and I don't want any of this to overshadow her early years. Sunday we went out trick-or-treating with our little Strawberry Shortcake. She had a ball! She insisted on walking everywhere, she didn't want to be carried at all. By house number 4 she was saying "trick-or-treat," accepting her "candies," saying "thank you. bye bye." What a beautiful memory!