Monday, January 31, 2011


I just don't know where my head is these days. Yes, I want another child. I want to be a family of 4. I'm so afraid of the journey to get there.

I still miss my babies. As I sit here and look over at the urn on my mantel, I can't help but be sad that he is not a newborn in my arms right now. It's hard to move on from that place in my heart. I just passed the 1 year mark for my first miscarriage. It seems like it was just yesterday, yet it seems a lifetime away. 3 miscarriages in 1 year, that is my reality. A son lost in the second trimester who I got to hold, love, and talk to. Who can be normal after that!?! I miss my daughter who I only got to see on ultrasound, but her heart was so strong and she was so loved. I miss our other baby who I only know was there from a few pregnancy tests. All unique losses. All unique pain. How strange it is to have an encounter with someone you rarely see, who knows you were pregnant, but doesn't know you lost the baby. They look at your belly and seem to be at a loss for words, or just flat out confused. For that reason, I'm glad we hadn't told many people about the baby due in May. It's been difficult enough dealing with that for the baby who was due in December.

"If you know someone who has lost a child or lost anybody who's important to them, and you're afraid to mention them because you think you might make them sad by reminding them that they died, they didn't forget they died. You're not reminding them. What you're reminding them of is that you remember that they lived, and that's a great, great gift." ~Elizabeth Edwards

Part of me is ready to throw in the towel. I think this latest diagnosis just put me over the edge. It's one more thing to think about, treat, and worry about with a future pregnancy. I was already at a high level of anxiety before getting this diagnosis. I'm very afraid that something could go wrong and we could lose another baby. I'm terrified that something will happen to me in the process of having another baby and I won't be around to take care of my little girl! She needs and deserves to have her Mommy. I am even more afraid now that I typed it out. I should mention that I do have an anxiety disorder. Logically I realize this could be causing all of the thoughts of doom and gloom. I'm trying to stay off of my anxiety meds until I am at least in the second trimester of another pregnancy. I know I need them now.

I guess I'm afraid that I'm pressing my luck. When I went through years of infertility before my daughter, and when I finally did get pregnant with her, I knew she may be my only chance at this. I was okay with that and was (am) thrilled that I at least got my opportunity. How blessed I am to have this one beautiful chance!

I just want a crystal ball. I want to know if there is another child in our future. If I know there is not, I can mourn that and move on. If I know there is, I can deal with all that is thrown at me, knowing that the end result will be worth it. I want to see a future of me and my husband very old and very happy, surrounded by our children and grandchildren. That's all I truly want out of life.

I just don't know when enough is enough. When do you pull the plug? I know I'm not ready to at this moment. I know I want to get some results for some more tests and possibly run a few more tests. I so desperately want to have another take home baby. I'm hoping the results we get back in the next couple of weeks encourage us to keep trying. I'm hoping that in 9 or 10 months from now I look back at this blog with a healthy newborn in my arms and these anxiety-laced thoughts are a distant memory.

Sunday, January 30, 2011

Make It Stop!

Af arrived, so no BFP this month. I also got some unfortunate news from my RE. I tested positive for PAI-1, and I'm 4G/4G, not good. It's an insulin based blood clotting disorder. It may have had something to do with my past miscarriages, it may not have had anything to do with them at all. I'm looking forward to sitting down and talking with her about what this all means. The nurse told me I would start Glucofage as soon as I do my glucose tolerance test, which I will do Tuesday. That's how they treat PAI-1. I have done a lot of googling over the past couple of days, only to give myself more anxiety. It's difficult to find a lot of information on PAI-1, but from what I did find, the good news is that by itself, it probably isn't too much to be concerned about, but combined with another blood clotting disorder, it could lead to more problems. I will be talking to my RE about getting tested for others. I have only been tested for this and lupus anticoagulant (which came back negative). So, hopefully I can get tested and all others will come back fine. That would ease my mind quite a bit. It does increase my risk of miscarriage and preeclampsia, as well as heart attack, stroke, and deep vein thrombosis. Scary stuff! My anxiety is pretty high right now. I'm ready for the bad news to stop rolling in, bring on the good news!

I'm currently on CD3. I'm doing the Clomid challenge this month to check my ovarian reserve. I had my first blood draw today, and will go back next Sunday for another. I'm really nervous about this test. I had it done 3 years ago and all was fine, so I'm hoping nothing has changed. The outcome of this one test could potentially change everything, so I'll be biting my nails until I get the results. Basically my week is consisting of lots of blood draws and medications (starting Clomid and Glumetza). I'll start taking both meds on Tuesday. My husband and I are both hoping the Clomid doesn't make me as moody as it did a couple of years ago (one can hope).

I want to thank all of my online friends for your support and comforting words through it all. I really appreciate all you say to help me through the hard times and support me through the good! My heart is heavy for a couple of you right now, and I hope you receive some much deserved happy news in the very near future! The world of infertility and miscarriage is one I wish nobody had to experience.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

14 DPO...Not Looking Good

It's 14 DPO and I am still seeing BFN's, so this isn't our month. It looks like it's a bit more testing and Clomid for me next month. I'm really disappointed. I was really bummed about it last night, but trying not to let it get to me too much. I'm just so tired of all the sadness and disappointment.

I should just face it...I'm an emotional wreck. I'm trying to hide it from everyone and maintain my positive demeanor. I just want to curl up and cry. This past year has been so difficult and it has taken it's toll on me. I just don't want to be a complainer. I get so annoyed hearing other people complain all the time these days. I feel empathy for them, truly I do, but I feel sorry for myself. I just want to shake them sometimes and say, just think about what I've been through this year, see, it could be worse! I don't know why I feel like I have to help everyone else feel better, but I do. That's just who I am, I guess. I'm always the friend who tries to help others feel better when they are down. Right now I'm just so down myself that I almost resent having to help other people feel better. Then I feel even worse because I feel that way. It's a vicious cycle. I also realize there are other people out there who have had it so much worse than me this past year, so I should be thankful. I just want to feel like me again. I feel like I have lost part of who I am, maybe I've just been changed. I hope not. I want to be the old me, the mostly happy me. I think I'm putting up a good front. I think I'm still acting like the old me most days, but inside I'm struggling to maintain that positive attitude. Now I'm rambling...

I'm grateful for my loving husband, my brilliant daughter, my supportive parents and in-laws, my energetic nephews and their fun parents, my cuddly kitties, my considerate friends. I'm also grateful for my husband's job (especially in this economy), our warm and comfortable house, tasty food, good doctors, the sun shining in my window right now. I learned all about keeping a gratitude journal from Oprah many years ago. It always amazes me the lift I get when I verbalize what I am truly grateful for. I like for each of my blogs to end with a bit of hope or happiness.

My 2 year old started classes at The Little Gym last week. We both look forward to the class each week. It's a parent/child class, and she loves every second of it! I'll have to take some photos to post. I don't think there is anything in the world that can warm the spirit more than a room full of toddlers giggling!

Thursday, January 20, 2011

9 DPO...The Wait Continues

I'm currently 9DPO. I tested this morning and had a BFN. That doesn't worry me yet. In only one of my four pregnancies have I had a positive this early. My chart is looking really good!

I am having a few possible symptoms (mild cramps, slight waves of nausea, and some heartburn), but I thought I had some last month too and they turned out to be nothing, so I'm not reading too much into it this month. Hopefully we will know something for sure by the end of the weekend. My fingers are crossed!

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Meeting With Our RE & Random Beauty

It's random blog time! First order of business, the business...

We saw our RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist, ie: fertility doctor) on Friday. We sat with her and talked for close to an hour and a half. She is the doctor who helped us have our daughter. We adore, respect, and trust her judgement. In a nutshell if my losses were completely due to chromosomal abnormalities, there aren't any fertility drugs with any supporting data that can help, however there are a couple of things that could be worth a try. There is always the possibility that my losses were due to something in addition to the chromosome problems.

I am being tested for a couple of things. We will do the Clomid challenge if I'm not pregnant this month to recheck my ovarian reserves and FSH to see if that has changed in the past 3 years. I just got my blood drawn for PAI testing, which is an insulin based blood clotting disorder test. I'll also do a glucose tolerance test (like they do to test for gestational diabetes). She thinks I probably have a little underlying PCOS (things that make her think this are my irregular cycles, gestational diabetes with my daughter, high cholesterol, acne). If the tests look like my body isn't doing as well as it should be with insulin, we'll do Glucofage which should be helpful. I'm really hoping all comes back normal because I'm terrified this could be leaning toward diabetes as I get older (even though it doesn't run in my family). This was what she was mainly focused on figuring out. There are some other tests we could do, but this seems the most likely additional problem.

As for treatment, we will start on Clomid next month and just do Clomid for a few months. My lining was always a little thin on it before, but we did have our little girl, so it could very well work again. If we see (from mid cycle ultrasounds) that my lining isn't looking good enough, then we will talk about other follicle stimulating meds. We could also do HCG trigger shots and IUI if we wanted, but we aren't going to do that quite yet. We are basically just trying to up our chances with more eggs and a normal ovulation pattern instead of irregular cycles.

I feel good having a plan in order and having talked it all through with her. I'm really hoping I'm just pregnant on my own this month, for obvious reasons, and also I'm just feeling a bit overwhelmed with the thought of starting the whole infertility process and more testing and procedures and the cost.

I'm currently 5DPO and looking forward to testing! Here's my chart...

Second order of business, random beauty. It's January in the Midwest and it's cold, snowy, and dreary. I just need to surround myself with beauty to keep my spirits up! I wanted to post some of my favorite photos (taken by either myself or my husband) of some of our favorite places. If we can't be there right now, we may as well enjoy the photos and dream of being there. We love taking photos and are trying to learn more techniques. It's one of our hobbies. Lets all breathe in the smell of the saltwater air and feel the sand in our toes at my favorite place on earth - The Don CeSar on St. Pete Beach, Florida...

and of course, who can resist cute-kiddo-on-the-beach photos...

When I'm stressed out or having a bad day these photos can almost always bring me to a happy, hopeful place. I will try to use the serenity in these photos to help me move forward with positivity in this new year.