Saturday, December 31, 2011

Hello 2012!

I'm looking forward to pure happiness in 2012! It WILL be a great year! Today we went out shopping and I bought our baby boy's first clothes! 3 cute little blue outfits that are both adorable and cozy. It seems a bit surreal to be making purchases (and seeing blue in our house of pinks, purples, and greens), but today marks the half way point in my pregnancy - I need to start shopping!

His kicks and movements are getting stronger. I feel him daily, although some days he's very active and others fairly quiet. He almost always starts moving around when I lie down for bed. It is truly one of the greatest feelings in the world and with every kick and squirm I love him more and more.

I had my 19 week appointment Thursday with a new-to-me perinatologist. I get to start shuffling around to meet them all now, which is a new thing to me. With my OB she was the only one, so I always saw her and I liked that. Luckily I have liked the 2 I have met so far. I got my AFP results and they are normal, yay! Measuring spot on with my fundal height and baby boy is keeping his nice strong heart rate of 150. I had a +3 sugar in my urine today, but she thought it was likely from the OJ and donuts I had recently eaten. Gained 4 lbs. in 4 weeks.

We had a beautiful Christmas. Our 3 year old darling loved every second of it and is still buzzing with excitment! I think this is the age when they really start to "get it." Her "Fancy Nancy" birthday parties were loads of fun too. It's been an all around wonderful month for us and I'm looking forward to a happy and blessed 2012! I wish you all the same!

Monday, December 19, 2011

We Made It

I'm feeling good that we have made it past two things I wasn't looking forward to: our due date for our first son (December 16th) and the time frame when we lost him (14.5-17 weeks). I am now 18 weeks pregnant and happily feeling lots of little kicks and rolls. Only two weeks away from our 20 week anatomy scan and fetal echo (not to mention the half way mark). I wondered how I would do on our first son's due date this year. Last year was extremely difficult, but surprisingly, this year wasn't too bad. July 9th, when we delivered him, is the day that I reserve for him, so the due date doesn't seem as meaningful. Who knows what day he would have come if he had been born full term, so reserving the due date is something that isn't too important for me.

We are celebrating our daughter's 3rd birthday this week. I can hardly believe she's already 3 - time really does fly! She's such a beautiful, sweet, loving, smart, funny, and gentle little girl. She brings joy to my heart every day and I feel so lucky to be her Mommy! She's pretty excited about becoming a big sister. It brings joyful tears to my eyes when she kisses my belly and talks to her brother. I can't wait to see them interact! I'm feeling beyond blessed this holiday season and Christmas magic is in the air. Wishing you and yours a beautiful holiday and a magical Christmas!

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Flip Flopping Emotions

I want to be strong and content in the good news we got at out ultrasound, and sometimes I am. I'm also having all those fears and anxieties creeping in with the news of the two vessel cord (or single umbilical artery). I know it is the most common umbilical cord issue and happens in 1 in 100 singleton pregnancies, more frequently with multiples. I also know that most babies are born healthy with no issues. My history makes me fear all the things that could be wrong or could go wrong. At times I'm finding myself back to the place of wondering if our son will make it and trying to detach myself from him, from the pregnancy, which is impossible...we have seen him 6 times now, feel him moving, named him. We are so very attached and so very in love. Our daughter calls him by name and kisses my belly every day. All three of us are so invested in this little guy. I am in tears as I write this. Tears of fear and anxiety, tears of grief for our other babies lost, tears of anger and frustration. WHY do we have to face yet another scary hurdle? Why can't this just be a normal, healthy, easy pregnancy. We've been through so much, picked ourselves up and moved forward. I'm so tired emotionally, physically from all the ups and downs. Without this, I would still be anxious. I know too much from my years on message boards and reading books and internet research. I know of so many things that can go wrong. Those were enough to make me fearful, and now to add something else on top of just flat out sucks!

I always come back to trying to calm myself and reassure myself. We are in good hands...the best in our area. They are keeping a close eye on everything to help prevent us losing him. His 16 week ultrasound looked very good and reassuring and they saw a lot of his anatomy for that early. My doctor seemed to only have minor concerns and it's her job to tell us if it's a major concern, right? Even so much as telling me not to worry about this. I've had a handful of women on message boards who work in hospitals tell me that, in their experience, they have seen only healthy outcomes. Without anything additional showing up, I know the chances of problems from this are very very slim. I am so nervous for the first week of January, when we have the 20 week ultrasound and the fetal echo. I don't know if I've ever wanted and wished so hard for something to come back looking normal. I think if that happens I will be able to relax significantly. I just wish it were May already and he were safely here, in my arms, all cute and cuddly and healthy.

Monday, December 5, 2011

It's A Boy!

We had our 16 week early anatomy ultrasound today. Baby was wiggling around and moving his hands a lot. We got two good looks between his legs and the ultrasound tech said he is definitely a boy! We are over the moon to be having a son!

All of his anatomy that they could see looked good. Our tech talked us through everything as we went along. I know she looked at the kidneys, which had some urine in them. The heart, which had 4 chambers and good cross blood flow. The brain, which she said looked normal (she measured several parts of that and told us what each was, but I don't remember) and she measured his head. The stomach, spine, arm and leg bones, feet and hands, she thought she saw a nasal bone. She checked my placenta and made sure the umbilical cord connected in the center. She checked my cervix and my ovaries, although my right one was hiding. Everything on the baby looked good and she said he measured in at 7oz. and is within normal range for how far along I am (16 weeks 2 days).

There was one piece of unsettling news. Apparently I have a 2 vessel umbilical cord. The doctor came in to talk to us and really down played everything, but wanted us to know what it all meant. It can mean an increase in chromosomal abnormalities, although with our early testing she didn't think that was the case. It can indicate heart abnormalities. Everything that they could see today looks good, but we will have a 20 week anatomy scan, then we will have a fetal echo done on the baby's heart to look at it more closely. She also said that it can cause growth restriction, so I will have ultrasounds every 4 weeks in the 3rd trimester. I asked her if it increased the risk of miscarriage or stillbirth. She said it didn't increase miscarriage, but might increase stillbirth risk. I will be going in for testing twice per week towards the end of the pregnancy to check and see how baby is doing. She said that would lower the risk. Our doctor was so reassuring and told us she thought all of this testing was overkill and there likely won't be any problem, she's just being cautious. She told me to try not to worry, knowing that with my history, that's a tough thing to do. Everything they saw today looked good and they saw quite a bit for only 16 weeks. I've been talking to some girls online and every story I have heard has had a good outcome, so that is encouraging. I just wish we didn't have anything additional to worry about, but in the grand scheme of things, this shouldn't be too serious. Hopefully his heart and anatomy will all look good, then I think I'll be able to relax quite a bit about it.

So, now we get to pick a boy name, plan a nursery, shop for all things blue. We will have a lot of fun doing that! We got some great photos of our little man today.

Here he is waving hello:

Profile pictures:

A front view of his face:

One Foot:

Two Foot:

He's a Boy:

My 16 Week Belly:

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

15 Weeks

I am 15 weeks 4 days today. We are right at the point when we lost our son, so I've been extra nervous, even though everything is looking good. It has brought back some of those emotions and I've relived some of those moments in my mind. I get scared every time I go to the bathroom that I'll deliver this one in there too. I know how illogical that is, since I had major contractions before that happened with my son, but I can't help but worry. Even with all of that, I still have a very good feeling about this pregnancy.

It has been a week filled with medical events. Monday I did the first part of a two part process for the crown on my tooth. Tuesday I did a 3 hour glucose tolerance test, which came back normal...I get to eat Christmas treats, yay! I'll have to do another when I hit 28 weeks.

Today I had an OB appointment. It was supposed to be a simple little appointment but turned into a bit more. She listened to the heart beat and said it sounded "perfect." We talked about my tests from last month and everything looked good except my pap smear. She used some big long medical term which she said basically meant that they didn't get enough cells from the inner part of my cervix to get a normal reading. She's not concerned and just wants me to wait until the baby is born or next year to have another pap. She said that happens in pregnancy sometimes because they don't want to get too aggressive with the inner part of the cervix when taking the sample. I told her about my abdominal cramps and pains, which she said is common for this stage with round ligament pains, constipation, gas, and where the uterus is right now in my abdominal cavity, so no worries. Then I told her about some right leg aches and pains I've had for a couple of weeks. I wanted to mention it with my PAI-1 4/G/4G diagnosis as I was a bit worried about deep vein thrombosis. She checked my leg and felt like there was likely nothing wrong but wanted to send me right down for a doppler ultrasound on my legs just to be safe. That's the nice thing about the office being in the hospital, she called down and got me scheduled for just an hour and a half later. It's also time for me to get AFP blood work done to screen for spina bifida, and she said it can indicate if I am more likely to develop preeclampsia, I didn't know that. So, we skipped the quad stuff since the NT results were so good and just did the AFP. I went straight down to the lab for that, then we ate lunch in the hospital cafeteria (way too pricey for how average the food was), and then up to the 11th floor for my doppler. The test came back negative for DVT, so that's a relief. Busy day, but full of mostly good things. I think I'm done getting poked with needles now until 28 weeks.

I'm nervous and excited for our upcoming ultrasound on Monday, December 5th. Nervous they will find something wrong. She said they can't see everything on this one, that we'll have to wait for the 20 weeks scan for that, but they'll look at what they can see and this ultrasound is more for reassurance for us than anything else. I'm excited to get to see the baby again and to hopefully get a peek at the gender.

Thanks for all of the feedback on my last post. I really appreciate hearing your take on all of the facebook and blog stuff.

Monday, November 21, 2011

Facebook & Blog Concerns

I've been down this road before. Pregnant after dealing with infertility and loss. I have days where I am hopeful and excited, most days are like that now that I'm in the second trimester, but I also have days of fear and dread. In addition to dealing with all things pregnancy related, I find myself worrying about upsetting my IF/miscarriage friends on facebook and blogs. I know how it feels to read pregnancy updates when that's all you want for yourself. I also feel like I've worked so hard to get here that I should enjoy it and share my joy.

What is this blog all about...for the most part, I started it to get my feelings out. To have a safe, anonymous place to say all the things I didn't feel like I could say to anyone else. To have a record of the things I have gone through to look back and reflect on. I didn't even know if I would have any followers. If that helped other people along the way, that was part of it. That makes me feel like I'm contributing to society in a good way and giving this journey some purpose. If I can offer an ounce of hope or comfort to someone going through something similar, then I welcome that opportunity. Now I'm afraid of upsetting and offending people, so I'm not sharing fully. I would never walk into a room with a real life infertile/miscarriage friend and complain about morning sickness or my latest freak out over the pregnancy. I'm pregnant, she may never be, I could never be so insensitive. So I struggle with what is appropriate now for my blog. I think I need to go back to the initial intention and have this be a place for my feelings and emotions. I want to do that without hurting anyone, but I'm not sure if that is a possibility. I know how raw infertility and miscarriage make your emotions. I guess this is me saying that I will be talking about those things that might be too much for some of you to read, and if you need to step away from reading for a while, I completely understand. I won't be offended if you don't comment, I want you to do what you need to do for your own emotional needs and please do not feel an obligation here. I would be thrilled if everyone continued to read, but I get it and understand fully. I've been thinking of writing this post for a while now and just decided I needed to post.

Facebook is even more tricky in a way, because I know I have several friends who are infertile or have suffered loss. I could block them from my pregnancy posts, but I'm sure there are many who I don't even know have suffered through IF/miscarriage who may very well be just as hurt. I would have been irritated if a friends decided for me to block me from her posts, let me decide who's pregnancies I want to follow and who posts too much for me to handle. I'm not one who posts complaints about pregnancy, but I do post belly pics, ultrasound pics, cravings, baby gaga weekly updates, things like that. I see so many people post about their pregnancies who have no idea what it feels like to read those posts from the other side. I don't want to be that girl, but I also want to share my joy. This is such an exciting and hopeful time for us and I feel like positivity is really helpful mentally and physically. I'm just so torn, being pulled in both directions emotionally. I just wish nobody had to go through these types of struggles and heartaches.

In pregnancy news, I'm feeling this little one move already! It's so reassuring and the BEST part about pregnancy. We have a 16 week anatomy scan set up for December 5th. We'll also do a 20 week scan. I'm hoping all looks good and we get a peek at the gender. My doppler has been so helpful to have. I'm in the time frame now of when we lost our son (sometime between 14.5-16 weeks), so I've been extra nervous. I don't feel consistent movement yet, so the doppler helps. I've been sick with some sort of upper respiratory infection for a couple weeks and had to take a Z pack, which I was reassured by my doctor was safe in pregnancy and better than an infection settling in my lungs, so I took it. I hate that I had to, but it was for the best. My glucose test and crown for my tooth have been on hold until I get better. I'm hoping I can get them both in before my OB appointment on the 30th. My tailbone pain and sciatica have started. It makes it difficult to walk any distance, even just shopping can be hard to accomplish. My OB wrote me a script for physical therapy, which I had to do after my daughter was born, but I don't have childcare for her twice per week and I don't think my insurance covers that many visits. I'd rather wait and use the visits after the baby is born and they can use those electric pulses on me, those helped the most and they can't use them on pregnant women. I have a pain in my right calf that I keep worrying is DVT, yes, my anxiety makes me a hypochondriac. So, that's what has been happening. Enjoying the pregnancy most days, worried others. I'm looking forward to being past that 20 week anatomy scan...then breathe.

I hope you all have a beautiful Thanksgiving with much to be thankful for. I feel so blessed this year.

Friday, November 11, 2011

Final NT Scan Results

I am so relieved to have a good report. My doctor called today, which made me a bit nervous, I assumed a nurse would call with good results and a doctor with bad, that's how it worked at my other offices. Luckily one of the first things she said was that the results are good. Factoring in the ultrasound, my blood work, and my age (38):

Risk of Down Syndrome = 1:1400
Risk of Trisomy 13 & 18 = 1:4600

She said my risk may be a bit higher than those numbers since I have had previous chromosomally abnormal pregnancies, but these numbers are especially good with my age (I think my age risk at 38 would be around 1:180 without having the other things tested, although I have seen several different numbers listed, none was above 1:270).

I'll be scheduling a 16 week u/s for the 1st week of December to get a little better look at the anatomy before the big 20 week anatomy scan. I'm hoping we get a good peek at the gender at the 16 week.

I'm feeling a great sense of relief. I have been very worried about losing another baby and having these results makes me feel like that is less likely to happen now. I am anxiously awaiting the big anatomy scan, if all looks good there, I'll feel even better, but this has been a huge reassurance and my anxiety will be calming down a bit more. We made the big facebook announcement after the ultrasound. It's so exciting and a bit unnerving all at the same time. We have been appreciating the support our friends and family have been showing. It's almost hard to believe that I will be in the second trimester tomorrow! My morning sickness is letting up and my tailbone pain is kicking in, so things seem to be right on track. I finally have some cravings now too - pineapple and Skyline chili (the dip and the chili cheese sandwiches). I could eat them daily and am a bit embarrassed to say that I have almost done just that. I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend, I know we will be breathing much easier.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

A Little Update with Photos

I had the NT Scan done today. We don't have the full results back yet. It will take about a week to get the results with the blood work. I feel really good about the ultrasound and am hoping the good results continue with the blood work. Our ultrasound technician was very upbeat and friendly, which always helps in a stressful situation. Our little one was so active today, so we got a little extra time to peek until he/she got in the right position, which was fun. The little heart was beating at 160 BPM, which is great. Measuring in between 12weeks 4days and 12weeks 6days, right on track. 2 active arms and 2 active legs. The nuchal measurement was 1.5mm and they like it below 2.5mm, so that looks really good. She didn't look for a nasal bone. We tried to look and thought we may have seen one, but can't be certain. After the ultrasound, she went out to talk to my OB, which made me really nervous something was wrong, but she just needed her signature on something. I asked the tech if she could give us any indication on how the ultrasound looked and she said it looked good.

After the ultrasound I headed down to the lab for a finger poke. I'm so glad it was a finger poke and not an arm jab because I had a new phlebotomist who was nervous and apprehensive. He would not have done well with my tricky veins. I poked my fingers a few times daily when I had gestational diabetes with my daughter and got used to finger pokes. I can honestly say I've never had a bruise from a finger poke before today. He was really milking my finger for those 5 drops of blood - haha.

I have a cold again - second one this pregnancy. So annoying, but at least there isn't a worrisome fever with it, that would add to my worry. I needed to put my crown for my tooth on hold and might have to delay my glucose test for a week. Those are the next 2 things I need to take care of. Then it's my OB appointment on November 30th.

Here are the photos of our little one from today...

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

NT Scan In The Morning

I'm really nervous. Typically I'm nervous before every ultrasound, hoping and praying that the baby will still be alive. I'm so glad I have my at home doppler to help ease my mind on that front. I heard the heart beat just two days ago and I'll probably listen tonight or in the morning so I can relax about that going in. I'm just so nervous that there will be an increased risk of chromosomal abnormalities and we will lose this baby too. I am hoping the technician will give us the measurement (or we can at least sneak a peek on the screen) and we won't have to wait a week for the full results. I'm so hopeful that the results will be very reassuring for us (my main purpose for having the test done in the first place). If this test looks good, I will start to let my guard down with the pregnancy - and actually become public. I don't think I'll fully be relaxed throughout the entire pregnancy, but a big weight will be lifted if all looks good tomorrow. If you have a moment to spare, please send a positive thought and/or prayer for our little one tomorrow.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

First MFM Appointment

I had my first appointment with my primary MFM yesterday. I really like her. She's easy to talk to, takes her time, seems interested and concerned, and has a good sense of humor. I think she's a great fit for us. We talked about a lot of different things and she did an internal exam. She confirmed that my uterus is an appropriate size and my ovaries feel fine. The baby's heart rate is healthy. Everything is looking good.

I was so glad I found the baby's heart beat on our doppler a few days ago Listen Here! because my doctor tried to find it with her doppler and couldn't. Any other time I would have freaked out, but I knew she was too high for where I heard it. She went and got their fancy little hand held ultrasound machine. I've never seen one before, it was so cool, about the size of an IPhone. She found the baby wiggling around with a heart beat right away. We got to see the heart beating, the sweet little nose, and the arms and legs wiggling around. We didn't get a print out picture, but at least we got to see him/her.

We have a plan now. I'll get the NT Scan next week, meet with the same MFM on November 30th, another ultrasound at 16 weeks, anatomy scan at 20 weeks, then maybe a couple more ultrasounds at 32 and 36 weeks. It's so nice we get to see our baby so many times. After my next appointment with her they will start cycling me through the other MFM's at the practice.

She wants me to go ahead and get tested for gestational diabetes since I had it with my first pregnancy. Here I thought I'd get through the holidays before I had to watch what I eat. Even if I do have it again, I'm sure I can sneak a Christmas cookie here and there ;)

All my labs came back fine so far and I got the okay to get my crown on my tooth next week. She's keeping my due date as May 19th and won't let me go over. I'm fine with that after all we've been through I don't want to risk anything else going wrong, so if I have to be induced to help prevent that, I'm fine with it. My daughter came on her own 6 days early, so hopefully this baby will come on his/her own before we need to talk induction.

I have had a good feeling this pregnancy and it keeps getting better every step we take. In a week and a half I'll be in the second trimester already! I am hoping the weeks go fast until we get to the anatomy scan. Once everything looks good there I will really let myself imagine bringing this baby home in May. It's hard to believe at this point, but it is becoming more an more real. I have so much to be thankful for and am very grateful.

Monday, October 31, 2011

Heart Beat on the Doppler

I have been trying about once per week for a few weeks to find the baby's heart beat on my at home doppler. I was finding my own heart beat and placenta sounds, but no baby...until today!! It was lower on my belly than I thought it would be for 11 weeks, but it was nice and strong. Reading anywhere between 150-180 in the 2 minutes that I listened to it. I have the Sonoline B doppler. That is the BEST sound in the world when you are pregnant! I feel some great reassurance going in to my appointment on Wednesday. I have been feeling a lot of cramps and pulls, most likely stretching and growing, but I was worried it was the worst. We miscarried our little girl last year on the 29th, so I've been a bit more down and worried this week. I guess that just comes with the territory. I can't even begin to say how much better hearing that heart beat makes me feel! I tried to call my husband at work to tell him, but he must have been in a meeting. I can't wait to tell him the great news!

Happy Halloween! I'm looking forward to Trick-or-Treat tonight with my little Snow White. She is super excited this year and really gets what it's all about. Last year it was a new thing for her, so she wasn't too sure at first. I'm thinking of my friends who don't have a child to take Trick-or-Treating yet and I'm hoping they all get their turn to do this someday soon.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Wiggling Baby!

I had my first appointment at my Maternal Fetal Medicine Specialists office today. We met with the nurse practitioner. Everyone I came in contact with there seemed wonderful, upbeat, and caring. The office is in the hospital, so ultrasounds are in the hospital too with the higher quality machines, which is great! She went over my history, answered questions, and gave me a lab order for some blood work. I had an ultrasound afterwards, and everything looked "perfect" according to the tech. The baby is measuring spot on at 9 weeks 3 days/9 weeks 4 days (depending on different measurements). Heart rate was 172, which is great. We even got to see the baby wiggle around!  It was the cutest thing ever!

My next appointment is November 2nd with my OB. I'll be setting up the NT Scan for sometime around 12 weeks. I am beyond thrilled. This ultrasound made everything seem so much more real. I think it was the wiggling baby.

I was especially nervous coming into this one. It was about this time last year, at about the same stage in my pregnancy, and meeting my new doctor for the first time, when we found out we lost our little girl. It felt a bit like Groundhog's Day and that made me really anxious. Thank goodness history did not repeat itself. She did an abdominal ultrasound today and it didn't take too terribly long for us to see the heart beating. Then the wiggling, the adorable wiggling. She took some measurements and gave us some photos and told us everything looked perfect, then said we were free to go. Our NP told us if all looked fine that's how it would go (no waiting for doctors to come and talk to us), so we feel very reassured.

Here are some photos of our beautiful baby...

Monday, October 10, 2011

Starting To Get Excited!

We had an ultrasound with my RE today. It started out a little nerve racking because we didn't see the heart beat at first. It took a few seconds, a little zoom, then we all breathed a sigh of relief, including my doctor. It was flickering away, she turned it on so we could hear it too, the most beautiful sound! The heart rate was 173, nice and strong. The baby measured 8 weeks 1 day, only 1 day shy of what I actually am.

I spent a good part of the afternoon on the phone coordinating things. I am now set up with my Maternal Fetal Medicine/Perinatologist. I go in for my first appointment with the nurse practitioner on October 19th. I'll also have an ultrasound that day. Only a little over a week to wait and see our baby again! I needed to get my records sent over from my different dr's offices. When I called my old OB's office, the receptionist knew who I was right away and she was so excited and happy for us. It makes me really miss them there. I was always in such great hands. I'm sure I'll like my new office too, it will just take a little time to warm up into it. She's going to gather the info for that I had at the interim OB for 1 appointment when we lost our little girl last year. I'm happy that I don't have to take care of that one too. I'll meet my new doctor on November 2nd and I'll also be setting up the NT scan when I meet with the NP.

Today I got my flu shot, I'm glad to have that taken care of. I was really worried about catching the flu while pregnant, with asthma. That could be really dangerous. The craziest thing happened last week. I was eating lunch and part of my molar broke and fell out! I went to the dentist and they put a temporary thing on it and said I could go ahead and get a crown with the okay from my RE (with a local). She told me to wait until the second trimester if at all possible, so that's what I'm doing. Hopefully the temporary seal will stay on until then.

So, I guess we are just here, growing a little human. I can't think of anything better to do with my time. I'm starting to get excited and think this is really going to happen this time! I hope the rest of this pregnancy goes smoothly.

Monday, October 3, 2011

Another Week

Well, it has been another week and all seems to be going okay. I am 7 weeks 2 days pregnant today. Morning sickness has really set in now. I spent a good part of my weekend sleeping and trying to find food and beverages that settle, so that's a good sign. It's the only time in my life where I welcome nausea and am excited about it! Don't get me wrong though, I'm looking forward to the second trimester. Last night I had a dream about miscarriage, which has me all kinds of freaked out. It wasn't about me having one at least, it was something that I was watching on the news about incomplete miscarriages. I woke up startled and had trouble going back to sleep. This morning I can't help but worry that something is wrong.

For the most part I have been relatively calm and feeling positive about this pregnancy, which is really different for me. I am still having my moments of doubt and fear, but they are fewer than I thought, given my history of loss and anxiety. I'm just ready to have the NT Scan, get great results, and feel more comfortable and confident about everything. Next Monday I have another ultrasound. Right now I'm feeling blessed and thankful and hoping for the best.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Heart of Joy!

My heart is full of joy today because we got to see our little baby's heart beating strong! The ultrasound went perfectly. My RE told us she saw a baby with a heartbeat within just a few seconds. As soon as I saw my uterus on the screen, I was scanning it, sac = check, something in the sac = check...then she said the most beautiful words "I see a baby with a heartbeat!" Relief!

The first measurement the baby was 6 weeks 1 day, she measured again and got 6 weeks 2 days. I am likely 6 weeks 2 or 3 days pregnant, so that looks good. She also pointed out the yolk sac and looked around a lot for a second baby. To be honest, I'm a little bit surprised it is one instead of two, but this will make for a much less stressful pregnancy. She checked out my corpus luteum, which is nice and big on my left side, the side with the larger follicle.

Here is our newest little baby (between the 2 "X's" in the darker circle)...

I will go back in 2 weeks, October 10th. I'll be 8 weeks 2 days. If all goes well at that appointment, I will start seeing a Maternal Fetal Medicine specialist for the remainder of my pregnancy. I had some blood taken today to check my clotting factors to see if there is a definite need for the Lovenox. I'm waiting for the results, they should be back today. **edit to add: my results all came back normal**

I can't thank my online girls enough! Your support, prayers, and well wishes have meant the world to me! Thank you so much! I still have a long way to go with this pregnancy, but we are so happy to be taking this giant step in the right direction. Thanks for being there with me! Those of you still TTC, I hope you join me on this path very soon!

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Time Moves So Slowly

It feels like I've been waiting forever for this ultrasound coming up on Tuesday. Two weeks of no tests or anything to verify this pregnancy is moving along properly. I caught a cold from my daughter, so I can't tell if my waves of nausea and exhaustion are from the cold or from pregnancy. I haven't had many cramps this past week either and I usually have them until about 8 weeks. My uterus is itchy from the inside out and my stomach seems to be getting bigger. I'm out of pregnancy tests, which is probably for the best. I did take my last FRER after I got my last beta result and video taped it. It can't get much darker. The pregnancy line popped up right away, but it took a while for the control line to show up - ha!

I also took a digital just because I love to see the word "pregnant" pop up!

I'm trying to enjoy this pregnancy for every second that I am pregnant, hoping that it's for the full 9 months. I'm nervous, of course, but I have a strange sense of calm with this pregnancy that I haven't had for a long time. I'm hoping it's because my intuition is telling me all is well. I'm not sure though, I could just be resigned to all of this since we've been through so much before. Some days I really feel pregnant, other days I don't feel pregnant at all. If we see a heartbeat on Tuesday, I'll know we will have something like a 95% chance all will go well with the rest of the pregnancy. It's hard to put too much stock in those statistics because we saw a heartbeat with two of our losses and fell in that 5%, but I'll gladly take the 95% odds.

I haven't had any miscarriage dreams *knock on wood,* with all of my miscarriages I had nightmares of miscarriage before they happened. I can't remember if I had miscarriage nightmares when I was pregnant with my daughter. I do remember a very vivid dream I had of her early on in my pregnancy, before we knew she was a girl. I dreamed of this 4 or 5 year old little girl and at first I could only see her from behind. She had brown curly hair (brown like her Daddy, curly like me), then she turned around and she looked a lot like me and she hugged me. When I woke up I remember wondering if that meant my baby was a girl, but I figured our child would be blonde as a kid because my husband and I both were. As it turned out, our daughter was born with brown curly hair. I keep hoping for a similar dream with this pregnancy. Just like any pregnancy, all we can do is wait, enjoy the time we have with our baby, and hope for the best.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011


I love a good beta! My nurse called with beta number 3 today and it is an excellent number. Doubling in just 34 hours!

11DPO = 30
13DPO = 61
17DPO = 429

She called me right away when she got the results since she knew I was waiting. She'll be calling back after the doctor looks at it to tell me if I need to do a repeat beta or schedule an ultrasound. In most cases I think they would just do the ultrasound, but after so many losses I'm not sure what to expect. Either way is fine with me.

I am flying high today and keeping my head up! I think we might have to go out to dinner to celebrate!

Monday, September 12, 2011

Lovenox No More

Well, I did the first Lovenox injection on Friday night. The injection itself really wasn't as scary or bad as I thought it would be. I iced my stomach, pinched the skin up, the needle went right in, injected medicine slowly and it burned a lot, but it was doable. As I pulled the needle out, there were a couple drops of blood, which freaked me out a bit, but with some research I found out that it really isn't a big deal and can happen from time to time. That night, panic set in. I started freaking out about hemorrhaging or getting in a car accident and bleeding to death internally, or not being able to get an epidural because it can cause brain was going a million miles a minute and I was freaking out. The next morning when I got in the shower (12 hours after the injection), blood started continuously dripping out of the injection site and I couldn't get it to stop for 30 minutes! I was panicked again! I decided right then and there that the stress of taking it was worse for me and the baby than if I stopped taking it. Today I called my nurse and explained everything to her, she talked to my RE, called me back and told me my doctor said I didn't have to take it anymore. She would prefer me to take it as a precaution, but nothing dictates that I need it. I'll continue taking baby aspirin. I have a purple bruise the size of a quarter from just that one injection. I don't envy women who have to take this throughout their pregnancy. I could handle the shots, but the side effects and fear of side effects are just too much for me unless someone tells me it's the only way.

I go in tomorrow for my 3rd beta. I'm hoping and praying for a great number! My symptoms are promising. The morning sickness has started, boobs are super sore, mild cramps off and on, super sense of smell, weird taste in my mouth and food tastes weird, and fatigue. I was at Walmart yesterday and couldn't resist another pack of FRER's, so I tested again yesterday after 2 days. The line looks great!

Friday, September 9, 2011

Doubling Beta!

I am full of good news today! I got my second beta back and it doubled in 48 hours, hooray!

11DPO = 30
13DPO = 61

I am relieved and still a tad nervous because with my other pregnancies they doubled faster, not that it's a race, and I know this fits into a great doubling range, so I am trying to keep my head up and remember that. I am so thankful for all my online TTC gals for sticking by me and reassuring me through this whole process!

Other good news, the bleeding stopped! It only lasted a couple hours that one time (right around my first beta blood draw), and the beta doubled since then with no more bleeding, so I think that's a great sign. Hopefully that was the last of the bleeding during this 9 months!

I haven't POAS at all today. Last night I took my last FRER. I have some IC's left that I'll probably randomly pee on, but I am done comparing every line twice per day.

I go back in 4 days for a 3rd beta. Hoping for fantastic news! I will start my Lovenox injections tonight and I'm pretty nervous. I got another demonstration today, so that helped reassure me.

Here are the last comparison of pee sticks pic:

I saw several butterflies while driving home from my beta <3! I also heard a song on the radio that I decided is my theme song throughout this pregnancy! Andy Grammer, Keep Your Head Up - love the message and love that it talks about a rainbow after the rain!

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Ahh...The Stress & Anxiety

Here is stress and anxiety post #1 for this pregnancy. I'm hoping there won't be too many more, but with my history, I'm guessing there will be a few.

Topic #1 - The Tests
For the most part, my tests are fabulous! They are super dark for only 11 DPO. They seem to be getting darker. The stressful part is that I have had a few here and there that are lighter than previous tests (see pics below). Probably not a big deal, but it still makes me panic.

Topic #2 - The Beta
Looking at the tests and looking at my betas with past tests, I was thrown for a loop to find out my beta was only 30. Now, 30 on 11DPO is actually a good, solid beta, and my progesterone is good too at 29.3. The number and the tests just don't seem to mesh, so I'm stressed that hcg leaves my urine slower than it leaves my blood (I don't know if there is any truth to that, just a question I have) and the beta is on it's way down, but then tonight I take another test (7 hours after my beta) and it looks a bit darker, so I'm hoping the previous scenario is not what is happening. I go back Friday for a 2nd beta.

Topic #3 - The Bleeding
I have only had one tiny spot of brown blood at 6 weeks when I was pregnant with my son. Never have I had any other kind of bleeding in pregnancy. Today, after a strenuous hour with my toddler at her Little Gym class, I had bright red blood for a couple hours. TMI Alert: It was only when I wiped, but I'd say it was somewhere between spotting and light bleeding, no clots. The bright red is gone *knock on wood* and now I just have some tiny traces of brown. Needless to say, I called my husband home from work and put my feet up for the day. My RE offered my Prometrium if I wanted it, but my progesterone is good and has never been a problem, so I don't think I'll take it. I'm hoping it was a one time thing and I was just doing too much. I'm afraid to take her to class next week.

Topic #4 - The Symptoms
I started getting a headache tonight. I'm someone who gets headaches a lot. When I was pregnant with my daughter I didn't have a single headache, it was bliss. With my chemical I had a searing headache on the night before my tests turned negative, so I'm always afraid of headaches. I've had headaches in my 3 other pregnancies at random times and they meant nothing. So logically I know this is not something foreboding.

Cramps and backache, same deal...I've had them with every pregnancy, they freak me out that miscarriage is impending AND it freaks me out if I don't have cramps because I know I have cramps with pregnancy. See, I'm so full of anxiety that the things I'm anxious about don't even make sense.

Good news is I'm nauseous, have a super strong sense of smell and food aversions, lightheaded, and exhausted. I'm yelling out a big serious YAY for those things!

Here are some of my tests (which I showed to the med. asst. today when she drew my blood, and she was so curious about them and how I had them organized. She said she hadn't seen anyone do this before and I told her about us crazy group of gals on the internet - ha!):

There you have it. I AM pregnant.I won't start heparin injections until we see what my next beta is. Please send all your good thoughts, vibes, positive energy, prayers to my little bean(s). We need all that good stuff we can get!

...I kinda thought it might be twins after seeing how dark my tests were so early on. Now that I have my beta, I'm guessing it's just one, but we did have 2 good follies, so it's possible. One or two - I just want a healthy take home baby(ies) and will feel blessed beyond words whichever way that goes.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

I Think We Did It Again!

I'm starting to get really excited! I think I am pregnant! I won't be certain until I see the tests get darker for another day, but I'd give it a 95% probability right now. The FRER I took this morning is a bit darker than yesterday morning's test. I had a darker IC late last night and it looks just as dark this morning. I'm cramping a lot, which I do in the first 8 weeks or so, and I'm exhausted and lightheaded. I really don't think the trigger could be this strong in my system at 12 days past trigger/10DPO.

Here's what you've been waiting for, the pictures...



Random IC I had (although I have nothing to compare it to):

We'll see what tomorrow brings, but I'm really excited and hopeful. Praying for a healthy, take home, rainbow baby!

Monday, September 5, 2011

Not Sure What to Think

My tests are confusing me...story of my life, right? I am 11 days past trigger/9 days past ovulation today and my tests are not any lighter. The FRER looks darker than I would have expected. I know every person metabolizes HCG differently and my body does tend to hold on to low levels for a while after miscarriages, so I'm trying not to get too excited yet. With my pregnancy with my daughter I tested negative at 10 days past trigger/8 days past ovulation on a dollar tree test and got a positive test on 13 DPT/11 DPO. The tests I'm using now are more sensitive, so who knows...

I'm feeling really crampy and tired, which could be from the meds or a symptom. I don't ever read too much into symptoms on medicated cycles. Only time will tell. Hopefully my tests will continue to get darker.

Saturday, September 3, 2011

Testing Out the Trigger

Thanks for the comments on my last post. I'm glad to hear it's not uncommon for a trigger shot malfunction ;) I've been testing out the trigger and today it's pretty light...

When I got pregnant with my daughter the trigger was gone at 10DPT (although that was with tests that weren't as sensitive). It looks like tomorrow or the next day should be negative...then I just hope they get dark again! Part of me feels very hopeful while another part of me is trying not to get my hopes up. I'm just ready for my rainbow baby. Yesterday when I took out the mail a monarch butterfly was sitting out there and flitted around me for a while. It gave me a bit more hope.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Terrible Trigger

Okay, okay, I can laugh about it now, but this trigger shot has not been a good experience to say the least. My husband has given me a trigger 3 times and they all went fine, that was 3 years ago. He got the medicine all loaded up, alcohol swabbed my target, and jabbed...OUCH! He says (with a bit of panic in his voice) "It didn't go in, let me try again."...jab, OUCH! More panic has set in and he says "It didn't go in again!! I don't know what to do!" I'm bleeding, then the panic and anxiety sets in for me. I'm freaking out because I NEED this trigger shot, I paid a lot of money for it and I don't want my follicles to get too big before ovulation, so failure is NOT an option for me. I also start freaking out because I'm thinking of the daily injections of heparin I will be giving myself once I become pregnant and if I can't get an HCG shot from my husband, how am I going to give myself an injection. In addition, he's always the calm, cool, collected one of us but HE is freaking out...not a good combo of emotions. I am crying and yelling at him that he'd better just figure this out and get the d@%$& thing injected! So, after re-reading the instruction sheet for the 5th time, he asks if he can try the other side...YES, JUST DO IT ALREADY! Jab, success (and not nearly as painful). We could have been a scene from I Love Lucy.

Our plan is to BD daily until I see a temperature rise. The injection was on Thursday and according to my RE and everyone on the internet, I should ovulate within 36-40 hours, typically. Saturday I was having awful ovulation pain on my left side (the side with the larger follie). Finally around 2PM it started to subside (a little over 40 hours). I fully expected to see a temp rise the following morning but that didn't happen. Sunday I also felt some pain on my right side that felt like ovulation pain. Maybe I ovulated from the left on Saturday and the right on Sunday, I just don't know. My temperature did not have a marked increase until today, Tuesday. I've been reading some things about a trigger shot making your temperature less reliable. It always acted normally the other 3 times I've done a trigger, but maybe this time is different. We didn't BD after Sunday.

Last night through today I have had a migraine. My guess is that it's hormone related. I'm testing out the trigger with pregnancy tests and they are still pretty dark but starting to get a bit lighter. Today is 5 DPT (days past trigger). When I got pregnant with our daughter the trigger was gone at 10 DPT (8DPO). I'm really hopeful and looking forward to testing!

Thursday, August 25, 2011

2 Follicles!

I have been feeling pains in my ovaries and was starting to get worried that I might ovulate before my appointment this morning. Luckily that didn't happen. My lining is okay at 7mm. I have an 18mm follicle on my right ovary and a 21mm follicle on my left. I feel like doing a cheer for my ovaries - I usually only get one good sized follicle, hooray for two!! My OPK's are still negative. I will do a 10,000 unit HCG trigger shot tonight.

It's funny, I had the nurse draw a target on my tush for my husband to aim at. Our 2 year old was standing there looking at that happen like it was the strangest thing she has ever seen. Daddy came up with a good explanation though, "Mommy got a stamp for doing a good job at the doctor's office like you get for doing a good job at Little Gym." That was good enough for her as she smiled and nodded, then wanted to see my "stamp" - ha!

You all know by now how important and meaningful butterflies are to me after we lost our son. I feel like he is telling me he is here with us when I see them. My RE likes to put seasonal and festive socks on the stirrups at her office, and today the socks were covered in butterflies. I hope that means good things to come for this cycle!

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Let's Get This Party Started!

I just finished taking my Clomid for the month. I'm now on CD 8 and waiting impatiently for ovulation. Patience has never been a strong point of mine. I have an ultrasound scheduled for CD12 (August 25th) to check my follicles. Hopefully we will see what we need to and get the go ahead for a trigger shot. I'm not really looking forward to my husband shoving a needle in my tushie again, but we all do what we have to do and somehow I oddly look forward to it because it gets the show on the road! For budget purposes I hope we only need one ultrasound (I have to pay out of pocket for all this stuff).

My monthly checklist has started,

*Clomid = check
*Geritol Vitamins = check
*Extra Folic Acid = check
*Baby Aspirin = check
*Vitamin D = check
*Temping & Charting = check
*OPK's = check (to the tune of 50+)
*HPT's = check (to the tune of 40ish and 4 different brands)
*Ultrasound for Follies = August 25th
*HCG Trigger Shot = ??

so let's get this party started!

Sunday, August 14, 2011

1 Year Blogiversary!

It's hard to believe it was just over a year ago that I started this blog. When I think about what has happened since then, it seems like it was a lot longer ago. Two more babies lost, it hardly seems possible. People are getting pregnant with a second baby in the time I've been trying to have another. That really gets me these days. People who I started the TTC journey with back in June 2009 have had a baby and are now pregnant with another...seriously!?! It took me 8 years to get pregnant with my daughter and now I'm going on 2 years already trying for our second take home baby. At 38, I know I don't have another 8 years to try.

Some people write a blogiversary post that is full of joy and excitement. For me it just brings back the emotions of why I needed to start this blog. It has helped me so much to put words to the emotion. I have needed to let it all out. So, on this 1 year blogiversary, I am relieved to have this outlet. That is reason for celebration of some sort, I suppose.

I read a really good blog post the other day regarding miscarriage. Basically the author was talking about hiding miscarriages versus sharing the news and mourning the loss of life. How society as a whole thinks talking about it is taboo and something women should get over easily and quickly, but anyone who has gone through it knows that is not possible and that the pain is immense. She thought that if we all talked about it more, that would become the norm and society would understand how painful it is. I couldn't agree more and I really wish every woman felt like they could share and grieve with the support you would get for any other death in your family. I shared the link on  facebook, with the hope that getting the word out might benefit someone else suffering in silence. I am always touched by the comments I read when I post something about miscarriage. I'm sure some women prefer to grieve in solitude, and I get that. I just wish the women who need or want support in a very difficult time feel like they can reach out and get the support from someone. To that I say Happy Blogiversary!

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Meeting Friends

Well, today I'm 13-14DPO and no sign of anything on my tests. I'll probably see AF in the next 4 days or so. I am never ever buying blue dye tests again. For the second month in a row there has been a verrry faint line on them. No other tests this month showed anything (well, those stupid green handle ones did, but I'm finally all out of those). I ordered a new type of 10mIu IC test for the upcoming cycle. Hopefully they will be good ones. I'm not super happy with any brand of test right now after what happened last month. Maybe something did actually try to implant last month briefly? Who knows. I do know that I officially have a love/hate relationship with Clomid! I love that it makes me ovulate on time and that it helped give me my daughter, but I hate how it affects my moods and how I feel. I've been nauseous, exhausted, crabby, and anxious all month. Hopefully it will be worthwhile.

We had a busy and fun weekend. It started with my husband's annual company picnic. They did something so fun this year, a caricature artist came in and drew the kids. It was adorable to see the kids posing. My kiddo's portrait turned out really good - it looks so much like her!

We also did something really special...there was a group of us girls who met online when we were all pregnant with our babies who were due in December 2008 (at We have kept in touch over the past 2.5 years on a private message board and on facebook, and become even closer. I finally got to meet one of the girls and her her son and husband in person. It was such a great experience and amazing to see how our online friendship carried over very easily in real life! She and her family are awesome and I'm sure we will continue to get together. We hope to make the get together an annual event and hopefully some of the other gals can come next year too. Our kiddos got along like they were the best of friends (I think my 2 year old has a little crush). It was so neat to see them together! (I had to use this pic of hers, so I could add one without their faces ;) )

Nothing keeps the spirit up like meeting good friends and enjoying life! To quote Jason Mraz....A la la la la la la life is wonderful....

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Back From Vacation & Ovulation

We are home from a wonderful beach vacation. It was so nice to unwind and relax as a family. My girl is a total beach bum. She could have easily spent all day, every day at the beach. I'm sure she gets that from me. The beach is my favorite place on earth.

She especially loved building sandcastles!

I took 100mg Clomid while we were on vacation and started taking OPK's. I had positive OPK's for 3 days this week, and based on pains, I'm pretty sure I ovulated overnight Tuesday into Wednesday, even though fertility friend gave me ovulation crosshairs for Monday, I know I didn't ovulate until at least Tuesday. Our BD timing should be great, so we just wait and see. The night before I went to another NKOTBSB concert - I seem to ovulate right after each of their concerts I've seen. I had to joke with my husband about the boybanders making my eggs pop.

I wouldn't be a very good TTC blogger if I didn't include a photo of my OPK's, now would I ;)

My RE wanted to do an ultrasound to check my follies at 12DPO, but I was out of town on vacation and wouldn't be back until 14DPO, so no trigger shot this month. We just did Clomid and are trying on our own. Ready for testing to begin....

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

New Cycle

Today marks CD1 of a new cycle. Based on my typical loooong LP, I think I probably did ovulate around June 22. I thought I had strong symptoms then, but kept second guessing myself since I wasn't really charting and tracking last cycle and my post ovulation temps weren't that high and seemed to fall in that middle ground area. I'm glad that cycle is over. It was a confusing roller coaster.

I called my RE's office today to get set up for this cycle. We were going to do 100mg Clomid, an ultrasound on CD12 to check my follicles, then HCG trigger shot when they were ready for ovulation. Problem is, I'm going on vacation and won't be home for a CD12 ultrasound. I won't be home until late in the day on CD14, last Clomid cycle I O'd on CD14, so it would be too late to time a trigger shot. My RE thinks we should just do Clomid and try on our own without a trigger shot this month. So that's what we'll do. The trigger shot was really my idea anyway, not something that she thinks would necessarily help, but it can't hurt, so I wanted to do it. I just wanted to keep my follicles from getting too big. If I don't get pregnant this cycle, we'll probably do a trigger shot next cycle.

It could be a little tricky being on vacation at this stage of the game. It will be difficult to take my temperature consistently because my daughter is sleeping in our room, so I won't want to set an early alarm for temping purposes. We would all be awake from that moment on, and who wants to get up at 7AM every morning on vacation!?! So, I'll probably just temp whenever I wake up each day and hope to be able to follow a pattern. I'll try to start taking OPK's toward the end of the trip too. We'll be back at our house on CD12, which is a Saturday and my RE's office doesn't do ultrasounds that day, but my husband and I are going out of town overnight just the two of us CD13-14. It will be a busy and hectic several days (I'm confused just reading what I wrote), but hopefully everything will work out well in the end.

Monday, July 11, 2011

One Year

Saturday, July 9, 2011 marked one year my son was delivered into this world, still. I finished his memory book the night before. It's nice to have it completed. I think it will be nice to share with my daughter when she gets older too. We have one photo of him after he was delivered, so I think we will wait a while before we share the book with her. I'm afraid it would be pretty disturbing for a child to see that photo.

We had a nice day of remembrance. His crape myrtle tree from the year before didn't seem to make it, so we got a new one to plant this year. As we went out to plant the new one we saw new shoots coming up around the old one. It would be amazing to me if it came back! We decided to cut back the dead branches on the old one, but instead of planting the new one in the same spot, we decided to plant it beside so we could give the new shoots on the old tree a chance to grow.

It's no surprise to me a butterfly came to play with us as we planted the new tree. Look closely on the dandelion.

After we planted the tree and got it watered we went out for ice cream and a walk at our favorite park. It was a nice day. I pushed away the intense sadness all day. I'm not sure if that was a healthy choice, but I just didn't want to be sobbing all day. I cried quite a bit the day before. I appreciate the kind words we received from a handful of people (including your sweet comments on my previous blog post). Thank you so much - your words really do mean a lot.

Friday, July 8, 2011

July 8...The Day My World Came Crashing Down

It was a year ago, almost exactly to the hour, that we went in for an ultrasound to find out my son had died in utero. Part of that seems so distant and part of it seem like it was just last month. July 9th is the day we delivered him and the day that we will keep aside as a day to honor him. Today is much more painful than I anticipated.

I have been working on a memory book for him. Something that I can look at whenever I am especially missing him. I thought it would be cathartic to put together, and sometimes it has been, but most times I find it difficult to motivate myself to be in that sadness. It's just easier to block out the pain. When it surfaces, it is still so intense.

Most days it still seems so unreal. I still find myself thinking that it didn't happen to me, it's just too much. The reality of it all is unsettling and I push it away again.

Today it is raining...the sky is was last year too...I love you forever and I miss you.

Monday, July 4, 2011

Faulty Tests!

I know I wasn't actively TTC this month, but when you think you are pregnant and get your hopes up, it's really a big disappointment to find out you really are not pregnant at all. It seems those green handled tests are famous for giving false positives (a few other people have had the same thing happen). I wish I had known that before I bought them. This is my warning to all you TTCers out NOT buy the green handled 10mIU One Step IC tests! The night that I got that nice dark "positive" I took a Clearblue digital that said "not pregnant" and even though I had a questionable Clearblue +/- test...

...all my future green handled tests have gotten much lighter (although there is still a light second pink line). So, I'll wait for AF then start Clomid again. So much for that!

Happy 4th of July! We have had a fun weekend of celebration with friends and family. I'm exhausted, but had a great time! My daughter got to catch lightning bugs for the first time. She saw approximately 5 fireworks before saying "I wanna nap" and falling fast asleep in her stroller, only to wake up an hour later and ask for "more beautiful fireworks" (of course after the big show was over).

It was a little emotional for me because last year at this very time I was in pregnant bliss, only to have my walls come crashing in on the Tuesday after July 4th weekend with a call from my OB that started everything spinning. Our son's tree didn't make it through the winter...

This spring we kept waiting for the buds to arrive, but they never did. It's crazy how upset this made me. It was supposed to be something we planted in his memory that would live on...but it didn't, it died too. Saturday we went to the nursery to replace it. I chose one with pink blooms this time instead of red. Red made me think of blood with my miscarriage, and even though he was a boy, I think I'll like the pink blooms better. Hopefully this one makes it. I'd like to plant it on July 9th (his delivery day).

I'm trying not to dwell on the sadness and concentrate on the joy from our weekend. We really did have a wonderful holiday weekend with the most amazing little girl on the planet!

Saturday, July 2, 2011

I MUST Be Pregnant....Right???

The confusion continues...I took a green handled test this morning first thing when I woke up and got a nice line that seems a bit darker than yesterday mornings test...but still nothing much on the pink handled test...

So, I decided tonight to have my husband pee on a green handled test so that I could see if a line showed up for him...

This made me feel more hopeful. There's just the teeniest hint of something on his test, so hopefully mine mean something good! I decided to take another test tonight to see if it would be darker yet...and it is!!

Seeing this, which looks like an obvious positive to me, I decided to try a pink handled and a First Response (THE test that I trust along with Clearblue Digital) handled test showed nothing...First Response looks like this...

Not much to see there...ugh! Maybe if you look just at the right angles you can maybe sorta see something...nothing reliable, and not what I had hoped for. So, either the green handled tests are super sensitive and the most amazing tests on the market or they are the worst and giving false positives. Hopefully tomorrow I will update with multiple types of positive tests! Keep your fingers crossed!

Friday, July 1, 2011

State of Confusion...At Least It's Beautiful Outside

Hear me now...I am never going to go a month without charting again! Remind me of that in the future if you see me headed down the path of no charting with an irregular cycle again.

I never started bleeding, so those had to be faulty tests. Call them false positives, call them evaps, whatever they were, they were not the real deal. Unfortunately I have dozens and dozens more in my closet and I don't trust them now. I ordered some more internet cheapies off of Ebay and they arrived yesterday, so today I used one...

and here it is tweaked to pull out the line...

Even though this line showed up within the time limit (and a second one looked the same), I have never used these tests (One Step Early Pregnancy Test - they are supposed to be 10mIU,very sensitive) before and don't know anyone else who has, so I don't trust it to be real at this point.

I decided to test again with SMU (second morning urine) and still saw something very faint, but it was much lighter...could have been diluted or just false lines...time will tell.

I still don't know for certain if/when I ovulated...even my temps have been confusing (which I only started taking 6 days ago and found out half way through those days that my battery was going on my thermometer). Hopefully I'll be updating with positive tests very soon!

It has been a fabulous week weather-wise here. My daughter and I have been enjoying playing outside, having a picnic, and doing an impromptu photo shoot out by our shed/soon-to-be-playhouse. Her personality is so sweet and fun! I love her so incredibly much!

(photo above inspired by one of my favorite photographers and bloggers, Kelle Hampton - see button to the right)