Tuesday, January 25, 2011

14 DPO...Not Looking Good

It's 14 DPO and I am still seeing BFN's, so this isn't our month. It looks like it's a bit more testing and Clomid for me next month. I'm really disappointed. I was really bummed about it last night, but trying not to let it get to me too much. I'm just so tired of all the sadness and disappointment.

I should just face it...I'm an emotional wreck. I'm trying to hide it from everyone and maintain my positive demeanor. I just want to curl up and cry. This past year has been so difficult and it has taken it's toll on me. I just don't want to be a complainer. I get so annoyed hearing other people complain all the time these days. I feel empathy for them, truly I do, but I feel sorry for myself. I just want to shake them sometimes and say, just think about what I've been through this year, see, it could be worse! I don't know why I feel like I have to help everyone else feel better, but I do. That's just who I am, I guess. I'm always the friend who tries to help others feel better when they are down. Right now I'm just so down myself that I almost resent having to help other people feel better. Then I feel even worse because I feel that way. It's a vicious cycle. I also realize there are other people out there who have had it so much worse than me this past year, so I should be thankful. I just want to feel like me again. I feel like I have lost part of who I am, maybe I've just been changed. I hope not. I want to be the old me, the mostly happy me. I think I'm putting up a good front. I think I'm still acting like the old me most days, but inside I'm struggling to maintain that positive attitude. Now I'm rambling...

I'm grateful for my loving husband, my brilliant daughter, my supportive parents and in-laws, my energetic nephews and their fun parents, my cuddly kitties, my considerate friends. I'm also grateful for my husband's job (especially in this economy), our warm and comfortable house, tasty food, good doctors, the sun shining in my window right now. I learned all about keeping a gratitude journal from Oprah many years ago. It always amazes me the lift I get when I verbalize what I am truly grateful for. I like for each of my blogs to end with a bit of hope or happiness.

My 2 year old started classes at The Little Gym last week. We both look forward to the class each week. It's a parent/child class, and she loves every second of it! I'll have to take some photos to post. I don't think there is anything in the world that can warm the spirit more than a room full of toddlers giggling!


meggola said...

I'm sorry you had such a rotten year. I really hope 2011 is much kinder to you! ((hugs))

LisaB said...

:-( BIG HUGS. I am hoping you get your miracle very soon!!!

Katie said...

You are SO entitled to feel this way. SO entitled. You shouldn't have to comfort others. You should be able to feel sorry for yourself. You have been through so much. I just admire you for being so selfless and helping others, even when you are hurting. That is what makes you a GREAT person, a GREAT mom and FIGHTER. You will get the family you want some day. You will. <3
Katie (dec 08)