Monday, March 21, 2011

"This Pregnancy Does Not Look Viable"

This blog has been a wonderful outlet for my emotions over the past year and has helped me to face and work through our tragedies. This time around I find myself not wanting to talk about it so much. I think it must be because I want to believe that a miracle is in our future.

I had my 7 week ultrasound last Friday, March 18th. My RE said "this pregnancy does not look viable." The sac grew and is 6 weeks (I should be 7), there is something in the sac that measures 5weeks 5days, but it doesn't look normal, she said she couldn't even say it looked like a yolk sac or a fetal pole, it was just some sort of tissue. No heartbeat. My corpus luteum is still there and big, so I won't be miscarrying for a while. We didn't do betas, but we will go back for another ultrasound in 2 weeks. She talked about my last beta and said that it wasn't good, but it wasn't awful either. Obviously the ultrasound gives us a better view of how the pregnancy is progressing. I can't help but think there must be some very very slim possibility all could be okay, otherwise why wouldn't she speed the miscarriage process along? She said we wouldn't intervene yet, then asked if I was okay with that, which I am. That's what I would choose.


I got back all my results on my blood work and all the blood clotting disorder stuff came back normal. I asked to have my Vitamin D level tested because I have been reading some things about that and if it's low, it may impact genetics and cause miscarriage. So, I'll get those results back soon and take a supplement if need be.

From what I've been reading, only 50% of couples with recurrent pregnancy loss get answers as to why. It looks like all of mine are most likely chromosome issues (at least half of them are), and my husband and I were tested and showed no abnormal chromosomes. So....either my eggs are just old and bad, or whatever problem we have is beyond medical science at this point I'm feeling a little hopeless and wondering if we will ever have another take home baby again.

I hate that my belly pops so early! I look obviously pregnant already. I always do by 6 weeks. My belly is growing every day. How do I hide this belly so I don't have to deal with awkward conversation?! I'm exhausted and I have nausea and food aversions too. Yippee! Those things are a pain when you think the baby is viable, but when you know it's probably not, all of these things are so irritating!

Last night I had this intense dream of giving birth to a beautiful, healthy little girl. I was cuddling her and nursing her and showing her off to our family. It was such a warm and beautiful dream. Then I woke up to the cold reality of a probable non viable pregnancy. I had a similar dream the night before we found out our last baby girl had died. Part of me wants to have those dreams every night, if only I weren't so sad when I wake up. With each of my lost pregnancies I have felt like I have seen all these wonderful signs before I got pregnant and/or during the early stages of pregnancy. I really feel like there is this little life that is trying desperately to come into our lives and stay, I just haven't produced a healthy enough body for them yet. I guess we'll just keep trying...

My daughter's nursery wall says it all....

4 comments:

Wonder Woman said...

...i am so sorry. So sorry. you have taken more than your share fair of pain. that beautiful nursery wall made the post even more heart wrenching.

Tia said...

I'm so sorry that you're going through this again. ((hugs)) I'm still praying for your miracle.

meggola said...

I'm still holding out for a miracle for you. You deserve one! ((hugs))

Syfer said...

Hugs. Praying for you.