Monday, October 11, 2010

The Stress of Waiting

I am not a patient person in regards to life in general, throw in something huge, like the life of my baby, and it's next to impossible for me to stay calm and stress free during the wait. Only two more days until my first ultrasound. That doesn't sound too far away, but it sure feels forever away! The thing is, I know if we have good or even great results, the worrying will start all over again until we reach the next milestone. It's never ending.

I finally stopped POAS about a week and a half ago. I still have some tests in my closet, but I'm afraid of seeing the "hook effect" (when the HCG in your system is so high that it "fools" the test and the test line starts to look lighter than it did), and freaking out that something is wrong.

I find myself questioning every ache or pain or cramp my body has, every gush of fluid I feel, every pregnancy symptom I feel or don't feel. It's a vicious cycle of stress.

Part of me is not allowing myself to get too attached just yet. It almost feels like I'm still in the "Two Week Wait," waiting to see if I'm really pregnant, or rather, if this pregnancy is really viable. I'm already 7 weeks 3 Days pregnant. At 8 weeks the baby moves from embryo to fetus status. I feel like the joy of this was ripped from me and that makes me so mad! I love being pregnant, and this may be the last time I am, so I want to be able to love and cherish every second of it, this stupid stress just keeps getting in the way! Then I try to snap myself back to reality...I'm so fortunate to have been able to have my daughter and to get pregnant several times since then. There are women who never get that. I was one of those women for 8 years and would get so angry when I saw women who had at least one healthy child complain about their trials and tribulations, because what I wouldn't give for that one. Now I have her and I am so blessed. I'm just hoping and wishing with all my might that I will be blessed again with this baby...please let this one be strong and healthy and let this pregnancy be healthy and uneventful. Let my husband, daughter and I bring home another healthy little baby to help complete our family and make it even more full of love and joy. THAT'S what I'm putting out in to the universe.

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