Thursday, April 21, 2011

Some People Can Be So Heartless

Honestly, just about every person I have come across in this trying to conceive/miscarriage journey has been loving and supportive, but every once in a while someone blindsides you with their lack of empathy and compassion.

I have shared some general information about our losses on facebook. Typically a simple statement that we have lost a baby followed by some very generalized testing answers or vague information about needing surgery. I know not everyone on there would want to know many details, so I keep it straight forward with little detail. I feel like I can share much more detail here on my blog than I would ever think of sharing anywhere else in the world. I also feel quite comfortable being honest about our losses and think that it is healthy to reach out to people for support in a time of difficulty. I think being open and honest about loss can be helpful to others who struggle with loss in private and feel alone, hopefully giving some comfort.

With that being said, I was quite surprised that someone who I was facebook friends with (someone I went to college with) would come at me on facebook telling me that miscarriage is a "dirty little secret" like "cheating and venereal disease" and they don't want to hear about it. She went on to tell me how shocking and uncomfortable it has been for her to read about my miscarriages and that she doesn't want to hear about the gory details and the play by play while drinking her morning coffee. That "Trust me, if you posted about your new herpes sore I'd be just as offended!" And that one should "save gory details for someone who might care or relate!" There was more said in the couple of posts and private messages she sent me, but this gives you the general idea.

One thing I found so hurtful about this was the fact that she lumped miscarriage in with STD’s as if it should be some dirty little secret to keep to yourself. The death of a baby is hardly in the same category. Sharing the heartache can make the pain less lonely. Reaching out to people to find support in a difficult time is something that many of us, as humans, do. There is nothing abnormal about that, be it on facebook, blogs, message boards, the phone, wherever.

I have been so upset by this (which just irritates me more because she isn't worth my concern). I just can't understand how someone could come at a person who has been through so much with such disregard for their feelings. But, apparently my dead babies have made her uncomfortable while she tries to enjoy that coffee of hers. Hope she doesn't turn on the news or Oprah because there may be other people out there who she doesn't know well sharing intimate things about their lives, how uncomfortable! Perhaps she should look to a different source of entertainment with her morning coffee, something where people don't regularly share things about their lives. Or perhaps she could have just defriended me or blocked my status updates if they were offensive to her. Needless to say, she is no longer on my friends list. I am just surprised that at my age there are women out there who still like to act like "mean girls," what's the point in that?


Wonder Woman said...

...hard to believe. But if its any consolation i'm pretty sure that if she's that nasty and mean then she's got a really big hurt she's carrying around herself. Who knows what it is, but it's impossible to form the words she sent to you without it coming from some sense of pain and rejection in herself. I hope you recover and realize that she only said those words to spread some of her own poison to you. Reject it and don't carry it into your day or your week or your spirit.

Tia said...

I'm so sorry Michele. ((hugs)) I can't believe that anyone would say something like that. Words can really hurt, but I hope that it doesn't get you down too much.

Pepper said...

Just reading this post made me so angry. First of all, miscarriage and STD's are not even close to being on the same page. Second, even if you have some distorted view of reality and believe that, what gives you the excuse to be a complete jerk??? Try not to let it bother you though, the world is full of idiots, it's only worthwhile to pay attention to the nice people!