Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Flip Flopping Emotions

I want to be strong and content in the good news we got at out ultrasound, and sometimes I am. I'm also having all those fears and anxieties creeping in with the news of the two vessel cord (or single umbilical artery). I know it is the most common umbilical cord issue and happens in 1 in 100 singleton pregnancies, more frequently with multiples. I also know that most babies are born healthy with no issues. My history makes me fear all the things that could be wrong or could go wrong. At times I'm finding myself back to the place of wondering if our son will make it and trying to detach myself from him, from the pregnancy, which is impossible...we have seen him 6 times now, feel him moving, named him. We are so very attached and so very in love. Our daughter calls him by name and kisses my belly every day. All three of us are so invested in this little guy. I am in tears as I write this. Tears of fear and anxiety, tears of grief for our other babies lost, tears of anger and frustration. WHY do we have to face yet another scary hurdle? Why can't this just be a normal, healthy, easy pregnancy. We've been through so much, picked ourselves up and moved forward. I'm so tired emotionally, physically from all the ups and downs. Without this, I would still be anxious. I know too much from my years on message boards and reading books and internet research. I know of so many things that can go wrong. Those were enough to make me fearful, and now to add something else on top of just flat out sucks!

I always come back to trying to calm myself and reassure myself. We are in good hands...the best in our area. They are keeping a close eye on everything to help prevent us losing him. His 16 week ultrasound looked very good and reassuring and they saw a lot of his anatomy for that early. My doctor seemed to only have minor concerns and it's her job to tell us if it's a major concern, right? Even so much as telling me not to worry about this. I've had a handful of women on message boards who work in hospitals tell me that, in their experience, they have seen only healthy outcomes. Without anything additional showing up, I know the chances of problems from this are very very slim. I am so nervous for the first week of January, when we have the 20 week ultrasound and the fetal echo. I don't know if I've ever wanted and wished so hard for something to come back looking normal. I think if that happens I will be able to relax significantly. I just wish it were May already and he were safely here, in my arms, all cute and cuddly and healthy.


lisabttc said...

Aww *cry* I can really feel your emotions in this post. I wish I could give you a big hug or make things more reasurring somehow for you. It's very normal to be scared, especially after all you've been through. I have lots of faith that everything will continue to go perfectly. Praying for you.

meggola said...

Aw Michele, I'm so sorry! I wish you could relax and enjoy your pregnancy. I'm sure everything's going to be fine, especially since your doctor wasn't too concerned. Sending you hugs and prayers.