Monday, August 9, 2010

One Month

It was exactly one month ago today that we delivered our sweet little boy. I'm emotional, and my heart feels heavy. I'm not sure what it is about dates and anniversaries that trigger emotions. My husband and I were talking last night about this, and dates don't do the same things to him as they do to me. For instance, on my birthday this year, I would have been exactly 20 weeks pregnant, the half way point. Instead, I got the hospital bill in the mail for my D&C and a call from my doctor with his autopsy/pathology results. Today I paid the bill. I also got our son's urn in the mail today. It's perfect. We have been seeing butterflies everywhere since he died, and it feels like it's him saying hello and it makes him feel close by. Beside it is my "Mom charm bracelet," with an "It's a girl" charm for when my daughter was born, a "Mom" charm for my very first Mother's Day, and now, a butterfly charm for my son. Things like this make me smile and cry all in the same breath.

One month has passed. My cycle has not started. We are in a holding pattern. There are moments where it feels disloyal to my son to be thinking of another baby in my womb. That was HIS home, his one and only home, his living space, his dying space, his tomb. I know it was my daughter's home before it was his, but she "moved out" to a new home when she was ready. I know it was another baby's home between the two of them, but somehow, that seems different. I guess because it was so early in that pregnancy. I want to feel life in my belly again, most of the time I feel like it can't happen soon enough. I just hope the grief mixed with the joy isn't overwhelming.