Monday, August 30, 2010

Is This It?

My cycle is throwing me for a loop, as usual. I'm waiting to ovulate after a long AF, although I might have just ovulated; who knows; it's a guessing game really. I am using a saliva scope for the first time. It's this handy little microscope that you use daily to look for a ferning pattern in your saliva. Supposedly, when you are about to ovulate, you get a full ferning pattern. Well, I've had full ferns four different times this month already and I'm on CD16. I've also had numerous days of partial ferning. Needless to say, I'm not sold on this thing. I've also been taking OPKs. Two days ago I had a fairly dark one, but not dark enough to be positive. Since then they have gotten lighter. My temperature went up a fair amount today, so I'm hoping that trend continues and I actually did ovulate already but just missed the surge on the OPK. I guess I'll know for sure over the next couple of days based on my temperatures.

I'm still getting different hospital bills in the mail. It's hard to try to look forward and think about getting pregnant again while I'm still paying bills for the tragic loss of my son. I'm sure there will be many instances similar to this with a future pregnancy, looking forward while still mourning our loss. Hearing a heartbeat on the doppler knowing whose we heard last and knowing that the comfort of that sound doesn't always indicate a positive outcome. I'm not sure what to do with mixed emotions like this. Tonight we drove past the hospital where we delivered our lovely little lady bug and where we brought our deeply loved and lost son. Tonight it made me sad. Most times when we drive past I have happy memories of my little girl. I don't know why tonight was different, why the same thing can be happy in one moment and trigger sadness the next. What I do know is that we had a beautiful evening with our daughter and are loving every inch of her, right down to her adorable toes! How can you not love these perfect little baby girl feet!?!

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