Thursday, December 16, 2010

Due Date

It's here. My son's due date. Numb. Sad. Heartbroken. Empty.

I find that I let myself cry until I get to the point where my arms start to physically ache from the need to hold him and my heart feels like it's about to shatter. Then I cut myself off. I don't know if that's a healthy way to handle it or not, but it's a subconscious thing. The pain just gets too great and my brain shuts it all out. I had no idea until I lost him that physical pain from heartache was even possible.

I should be holding a soft warm newborn right now. I should be euphoric and sleep deprived. I should be so overwhelmed with my love for my new little baby that I can't look at anyone else. I should be seeing my husband hold his son and see the dreams he has for him written all over his face. I should be introducing a beautiful big sister to her brand new little brother.

Again, I am touched and overwhelmed by the beautiful out pour of love from our friends and family. We have received several cards, emails, and facebook messages. I am so grateful for their love, support, and strength.

We wanted to do something special to honor our son today. I googled and asked people for suggestions. Several people recommended a balloon release, which I think we will do on July 9th - his birthday (is that even what it should be called). We got snowed in today, so I don't think we'll have an opportunity to do much besides light a candle in his memory.

My sweet boy - Mommy loves you more than words could ever say. You will forever be in our hearts.