Terrible Trigger

Okay, okay, I can laugh about it now, but this trigger shot has not been a good experience to say the least. My husband has given me a trigger 3 times and they all went fine, that was 3 years ago. He got the medicine all loaded up, alcohol swabbed my target, and jabbed...OUCH! He says (with a bit of panic in his voice) "It didn't go in, let me try again."...jab, OUCH! More panic has set in and he says "It didn't go in again!! I don't know what to do!" I'm bleeding, then the panic and anxiety sets in for me. I'm freaking out because I NEED this trigger shot, I paid a lot of money for it and I don't want my follicles to get too big before ovulation, so failure is NOT an option for me. I also start freaking out because I'm thinking of the daily injections of heparin I will be giving myself once I become pregnant and if I can't get an HCG shot from my husband, how am I going to give myself an injection. In addition, he's always the calm, cool, collected one of us but HE is freaking out...not a good combo of emotions. I am crying and yelling at him that he'd better just figure this out and get the d@%$& thing injected! So, after re-reading the instruction sheet for the 5th time, he asks if he can try the other side...YES, JUST DO IT ALREADY! Jab, success (and not nearly as painful). We could have been a scene from I Love Lucy.

Our plan is to BD daily until I see a temperature rise. The injection was on Thursday and according to my RE and everyone on the internet, I should ovulate within 36-40 hours, typically. Saturday I was having awful ovulation pain on my left side (the side with the larger follie). Finally around 2PM it started to subside (a little over 40 hours). I fully expected to see a temp rise the following morning but that didn't happen. Sunday I also felt some pain on my right side that felt like ovulation pain. Maybe I ovulated from the left on Saturday and the right on Sunday, I just don't know. My temperature did not have a marked increase until today, Tuesday. I've been reading some things about a trigger shot making your temperature less reliable. It always acted normally the other 3 times I've done a trigger, but maybe this time is different. We didn't BD after Sunday.

Last night through today I have had a migraine. My guess is that it's hormone related. I'm testing out the trigger with pregnancy tests and they are still pretty dark but starting to get a bit lighter. Today is 5 DPT (days past trigger). When I got pregnant with our daughter the trigger was gone at 10 DPT (8DPO). I'm really hopeful and looking forward to testing!

2 Follicles!

I have been feeling pains in my ovaries and was starting to get worried that I might ovulate before my appointment this morning. Luckily that didn't happen. My lining is okay at 7mm. I have an 18mm follicle on my right ovary and a 21mm follicle on my left. I feel like doing a cheer for my ovaries - I usually only get one good sized follicle, hooray for two!! My OPK's are still negative. I will do a 10,000 unit HCG trigger shot tonight.

It's funny, I had the nurse draw a target on my tush for my husband to aim at. Our 2 year old was standing there looking at that happen like it was the strangest thing she has ever seen. Daddy came up with a good explanation though, "Mommy got a stamp for doing a good job at the doctor's office like you get for doing a good job at Little Gym." That was good enough for her as she smiled and nodded, then wanted to see my "stamp" - ha!

You all know by now how important and meaningful butterflies are to me after we lost our son. I feel like he is telling me he is here with us when I see them. My RE likes to put seasonal and festive socks on the stirrups at her office, and today the socks were covered in butterflies. I hope that means good things to come for this cycle!

Let's Get This Party Started!

I just finished taking my Clomid for the month. I'm now on CD 8 and waiting impatiently for ovulation. Patience has never been a strong point of mine. I have an ultrasound scheduled for CD12 (August 25th) to check my follicles. Hopefully we will see what we need to and get the go ahead for a trigger shot. I'm not really looking forward to my husband shoving a needle in my tushie again, but we all do what we have to do and somehow I oddly look forward to it because it gets the show on the road! For budget purposes I hope we only need one ultrasound (I have to pay out of pocket for all this stuff).

My monthly checklist has started,

*Clomid = check
*Geritol Vitamins = check
*Extra Folic Acid = check
*Baby Aspirin = check
*Vitamin D = check
*Temping & Charting = check
*OPK's = check (to the tune of 50+)
*HPT's = check (to the tune of 40ish and 4 different brands)
*Ultrasound for Follies = August 25th
*HCG Trigger Shot = ??

so let's get this party started!

1 Year Blogiversary!

It's hard to believe it was just over a year ago that I started this blog. When I think about what has happened since then, it seems like it was a lot longer ago. Two more babies lost, it hardly seems possible. People are getting pregnant with a second baby in the time I've been trying to have another. That really gets me these days. People who I started the TTC journey with back in June 2009 have had a baby and are now pregnant with another...seriously!?! It took me 8 years to get pregnant with my daughter and now I'm going on 2 years already trying for our second take home baby. At 38, I know I don't have another 8 years to try.

Some people write a blogiversary post that is full of joy and excitement. For me it just brings back the emotions of why I needed to start this blog. It has helped me so much to put words to the emotion. I have needed to let it all out. So, on this 1 year blogiversary, I am relieved to have this outlet. That is reason for celebration of some sort, I suppose.

I read a really good blog post the other day regarding miscarriage. Basically the author was talking about hiding miscarriages versus sharing the news and mourning the loss of life. How society as a whole thinks talking about it is taboo and something women should get over easily and quickly, but anyone who has gone through it knows that is not possible and that the pain is immense. She thought that if we all talked about it more, that would become the norm and society would understand how painful it is. I couldn't agree more and I really wish every woman felt like they could share and grieve with the support you would get for any other death in your family. I shared the link on  facebook, with the hope that getting the word out might benefit someone else suffering in silence. I am always touched by the comments I read when I post something about miscarriage. I'm sure some women prefer to grieve in solitude, and I get that. I just wish the women who need or want support in a very difficult time feel like they can reach out and get the support from someone. To that I say Happy Blogiversary!

Meeting Friends

Well, today I'm 13-14DPO and no sign of anything on my tests. I'll probably see AF in the next 4 days or so. I am never ever buying blue dye tests again. For the second month in a row there has been a verrry faint line on them. No other tests this month showed anything (well, those stupid green handle ones did, but I'm finally all out of those). I ordered a new type of 10mIu IC test for the upcoming cycle. Hopefully they will be good ones. I'm not super happy with any brand of test right now after what happened last month. Maybe something did actually try to implant last month briefly? Who knows. I do know that I officially have a love/hate relationship with Clomid! I love that it makes me ovulate on time and that it helped give me my daughter, but I hate how it affects my moods and how I feel. I've been nauseous, exhausted, crabby, and anxious all month. Hopefully it will be worthwhile.

We had a busy and fun weekend. It started with my husband's annual company picnic. They did something so fun this year, a caricature artist came in and drew the kids. It was adorable to see the kids posing. My kiddo's portrait turned out really good - it looks so much like her!

We also did something really special...there was a group of us girls who met online when we were all pregnant with our babies who were due in December 2008 (at TwoWeekWait.com). We have kept in touch over the past 2.5 years on a private message board and on facebook, and become even closer. I finally got to meet one of the girls and her her son and husband in person. It was such a great experience and amazing to see how our online friendship carried over very easily in real life! She and her family are awesome and I'm sure we will continue to get together. We hope to make the get together an annual event and hopefully some of the other gals can come next year too. Our kiddos got along like they were the best of friends (I think my 2 year old has a little crush). It was so neat to see them together! (I had to use this pic of hers, so I could add one without their faces ;) )

Nothing keeps the spirit up like meeting good friends and enjoying life! To quote Jason Mraz....A la la la la la la life is wonderful....

Back From Vacation & Ovulation

We are home from a wonderful beach vacation. It was so nice to unwind and relax as a family. My girl is a total beach bum. She could have easily spent all day, every day at the beach. I'm sure she gets that from me. The beach is my favorite place on earth.

She especially loved building sandcastles!

I took 100mg Clomid while we were on vacation and started taking OPK's. I had positive OPK's for 3 days this week, and based on pains, I'm pretty sure I ovulated overnight Tuesday into Wednesday, even though fertility friend gave me ovulation crosshairs for Monday, I know I didn't ovulate until at least Tuesday. Our BD timing should be great, so we just wait and see. The night before I went to another NKOTBSB concert - I seem to ovulate right after each of their concerts I've seen. I had to joke with my husband about the boybanders making my eggs pop.

I wouldn't be a very good TTC blogger if I didn't include a photo of my OPK's, now would I ;)

My RE wanted to do an ultrasound to check my follies at 12DPO, but I was out of town on vacation and wouldn't be back until 14DPO, so no trigger shot this month. We just did Clomid and are trying on our own. Ready for testing to begin....

New Cycle

Today marks CD1 of a new cycle. Based on my typical loooong LP, I think I probably did ovulate around June 22. I thought I had strong symptoms then, but kept second guessing myself since I wasn't really charting and tracking last cycle and my post ovulation temps weren't that high and seemed to fall in that middle ground area. I'm glad that cycle is over. It was a confusing roller coaster.

I called my RE's office today to get set up for this cycle. We were going to do 100mg Clomid, an ultrasound on CD12 to check my follicles, then HCG trigger shot when they were ready for ovulation. Problem is, I'm going on vacation and won't be home for a CD12 ultrasound. I won't be home until late in the day on CD14, last Clomid cycle I O'd on CD14, so it would be too late to time a trigger shot. My RE thinks we should just do Clomid and try on our own without a trigger shot this month. So that's what we'll do. The trigger shot was really my idea anyway, not something that she thinks would necessarily help, but it can't hurt, so I wanted to do it. I just wanted to keep my follicles from getting too big. If I don't get pregnant this cycle, we'll probably do a trigger shot next cycle.

It could be a little tricky being on vacation at this stage of the game. It will be difficult to take my temperature consistently because my daughter is sleeping in our room, so I won't want to set an early alarm for temping purposes. We would all be awake from that moment on, and who wants to get up at 7AM every morning on vacation!?! So, I'll probably just temp whenever I wake up each day and hope to be able to follow a pattern. I'll try to start taking OPK's toward the end of the trip too. We'll be back at our house on CD12, which is a Saturday and my RE's office doesn't do ultrasounds that day, but my husband and I are going out of town overnight just the two of us CD13-14. It will be a busy and hectic several days (I'm confused just reading what I wrote), but hopefully everything will work out well in the end.

One Year

Saturday, July 9, 2011 marked one year my son was delivered into this world, still. I finished his memory book the night before. It's nice to have it completed. I think it will be nice to share with my daughter when she gets older too. We have one photo of him after he was delivered, so I think we will wait a while before we share the book with her. I'm afraid it would be pretty disturbing for a child to see that photo.

We had a nice day of remembrance. His crape myrtle tree from the year before didn't seem to make it, so we got a new one to plant this year. As we went out to plant the new one we saw new shoots coming up around the old one. It would be amazing to me if it came back! We decided to cut back the dead branches on the old one, but instead of planting the new one in the same spot, we decided to plant it beside so we could give the new shoots on the old tree a chance to grow.

It's no surprise to me a butterfly came to play with us as we planted the new tree. Look closely on the dandelion.

After we planted the tree and got it watered we went out for ice cream and a walk at our favorite park. It was a nice day. I pushed away the intense sadness all day. I'm not sure if that was a healthy choice, but I just didn't want to be sobbing all day. I cried quite a bit the day before. I appreciate the kind words we received from a handful of people (including your sweet comments on my previous blog post). Thank you so much - your words really do mean a lot.





July 8...The Day My World Came Crashing Down

It was a year ago, almost exactly to the hour, that we went in for an ultrasound to find out my son had died in utero. Part of that seems so distant and part of it seem like it was just last month. July 9th is the day we delivered him and the day that we will keep aside as a day to honor him. Today is much more painful than I anticipated.

I have been working on a memory book for him. Something that I can look at whenever I am especially missing him. I thought it would be cathartic to put together, and sometimes it has been, but most times I find it difficult to motivate myself to be in that sadness. It's just easier to block out the pain. When it surfaces, it is still so intense.

Most days it still seems so unreal. I still find myself thinking that it didn't happen to me, it's just too much. The reality of it all is unsettling and I push it away again.

Today it is raining...the sky is crying...it was last year too...I love you forever and I miss you.

Faulty Tests!

I know I wasn't actively TTC this month, but when you think you are pregnant and get your hopes up, it's really a big disappointment to find out you really are not pregnant at all. It seems those green handled tests are famous for giving false positives (a few other people have had the same thing happen). I wish I had known that before I bought them. This is my warning to all you TTCers out there...do NOT buy the green handled 10mIU One Step IC tests! The night that I got that nice dark "positive" I took a Clearblue digital that said "not pregnant" and even though I had a questionable Clearblue +/- test...

...all my future green handled tests have gotten much lighter (although there is still a light second pink line). So, I'll wait for AF then start Clomid again. So much for that!

Happy 4th of July! We have had a fun weekend of celebration with friends and family. I'm exhausted, but had a great time! My daughter got to catch lightning bugs for the first time. She saw approximately 5 fireworks before saying "I wanna nap" and falling fast asleep in her stroller, only to wake up an hour later and ask for "more beautiful fireworks" (of course after the big show was over).

It was a little emotional for me because last year at this very time I was in pregnant bliss, only to have my walls come crashing in on the Tuesday after July 4th weekend with a call from my OB that started everything spinning. Our son's tree didn't make it through the winter...

This spring we kept waiting for the buds to arrive, but they never did. It's crazy how upset this made me. It was supposed to be something we planted in his memory that would live on...but it didn't, it died too. Saturday we went to the nursery to replace it. I chose one with pink blooms this time instead of red. Red made me think of blood with my miscarriage, and even though he was a boy, I think I'll like the pink blooms better. Hopefully this one makes it. I'd like to plant it on July 9th (his delivery day).

I'm trying not to dwell on the sadness and concentrate on the joy from our weekend. We really did have a wonderful holiday weekend with the most amazing little girl on the planet!