I MUST Be Pregnant....Right???

The confusion continues...I took a green handled test this morning first thing when I woke up and got a nice line that seems a bit darker than yesterday mornings test...but still nothing much on the pink handled test...

So, I decided tonight to have my husband pee on a green handled test so that I could see if a line showed up for him...

This made me feel more hopeful. There's just the teeniest hint of something on his test, so hopefully mine mean something good! I decided to take another test tonight to see if it would be darker yet...and it is!!

Seeing this, which looks like an obvious positive to me, I decided to try a pink handled and a First Response (THE test that I trust along with Clearblue Digital)...pink handled test showed nothing...First Response looks like this...

Not much to see there...ugh! Maybe if you look just at the right angles you can maybe sorta see something...nothing reliable, and not what I had hoped for. So, either the green handled tests are super sensitive and the most amazing tests on the market or they are the worst and giving false positives. Hopefully tomorrow I will update with multiple types of positive tests! Keep your fingers crossed!







State of Confusion...At Least It's Beautiful Outside

Hear me now...I am never going to go a month without charting again! Remind me of that in the future if you see me headed down the path of no charting with an irregular cycle again.

I never started bleeding, so those had to be faulty tests. Call them false positives, call them evaps, whatever they were, they were not the real deal. Unfortunately I have dozens and dozens more in my closet and I don't trust them now. I ordered some more internet cheapies off of Ebay and they arrived yesterday, so today I used one...

and here it is tweaked to pull out the line...

Even though this line showed up within the time limit (and a second one looked the same), I have never used these tests (One Step Early Pregnancy Test - they are supposed to be 10mIU,very sensitive) before and don't know anyone else who has, so I don't trust it to be real at this point.

I decided to test again with SMU (second morning urine) and still saw something very faint, but it was much lighter...could have been diluted or just false lines...time will tell.

I still don't know for certain if/when I ovulated...even my temps have been confusing (which I only started taking 6 days ago and found out half way through those days that my battery was going on my thermometer). Hopefully I'll be updating with positive tests very soon!

It has been a fabulous week weather-wise here. My daughter and I have been enjoying playing outside, having a picnic, and doing an impromptu photo shoot out by our shed/soon-to-be-playhouse. Her personality is so sweet and fun! I love her so incredibly much!





(photo above inspired by one of my favorite photographers and bloggers, Kelle Hampton - see button to the right)

No Idea

After 2 days, I have no idea what is going on with my body. Yesterday I had 2 tests that had a 2nd very light line on them with my 2nd morning urine (both wet and dry). My other tests that day just had that light grey line that I wouldn't think much of typically. Today I got nothing but light grey lines and had a little bit of spotting. So, I'm still not sure if/when I ovulated. I don't know if I was pregnant and am experiencing another chemical pregnancy loss. Or maybe those pink handled tests are faulty. I'm just not sure what to think. If I start bleeding within the next couple days, I'll be fairly certain it was a very early chemical pregnancy. Otherwise, your guess is as good as mine.

I should also mention that my OPK's have been close to positive for several days up until today. Today's OPK was significantly lighter, whatever that means. I know your LH will surge when you are pregnant or maybe my body is still just trying to ovulate. My temperature today fell right in the in between level, could be pre or post ovulation. Confusing! Now I wish I would have just tracked everything.

Uhhhhh...What Is Going On?

My trip to Nashville was all kinds of fun and the boyband extravaganza that was NKOTBSB was the single most entertaining show I think I've seen. I was in Jordan Knight heaven when he came out into the audience to sing "Tonight" just 5 rows down directly in front of me, then he moved up the stairs directly beside me. I got some shaky, but awesome video of it all Click for Jordan Video Then, just when I didn't think it could get any better, AJ Mclean and Howie Dorough walked down those same steps directly beside me while singing. Again, I got video Click for Howie & AJ Video We had amazing seats and had fun singing and dancing to every song. It was great to let loose and be a girl!

When I got home I was noticing some sensations that made me think I might be getting ready to ovulate, so both Thursday and today I took OPK's that were quite dark, but didn't change much from each other. So, on a whim, I decided to dip a pregnancy test just in case. Now, I've heard if you dip a pregnancy test after an opk you can get a faint line. I have done this before and never had it happen. The same goes for a few friends of mine. Here's where my day gets a little strange...that pregnancy test had a line, a pink line, a very light, but definitely pink line, both wet and dried.

I haven't been wanting to read too much into that one test, especially because it was dipped after an OPK. Plus my cycle has me all kinds of confused and *if* I ovulated, I have no idea when that would have been. So much for stress free not trying/not preventing. Now I wish I knew if/when I ovulated. I think I'd be less stressed. Anyway, tonight I took another IC test and saw a greyish line, so I dipped a First Response. If I look really closely, I can see a hint of a very faint grey line, but I'm not sure about the color on either of these 9PM tests. I guess I should know for certain what is happening within the next couple of days. Here are the PM tests...

So much for not obsessing this month!

Fake Out

My body likes to fake me out. It keeps gearing up to ovulate again, but isn't doing so. I think this time it will. My OPK's are even darker today after getting lighter again since the last tests I posted. I think I'll have a positive tomorrow or Monday (just in time for my girls getaway, ha!). I'm having some other symptoms too, like this pounding headache, so hopefully this will be it.

 I've been working on my son's memory book. I'd like to have it finished by July 9th, the day we delivered him last year. It's coming along nicely and has been cathartic. It's been a little more difficult again recently because I keep thinking these were the last few days he was still alive a year ago. Last night I just sat there holding his picture and cried harder than I have in a long time, but it felt good, like an emotional release. Sometimes I cry and I make myself stop and there is no feeling of satisfaction afterwards, I'm still just sad. Last night's cry was full and strong and I felt like something was lifted afterwards. Those are the best kinds of cries.

We are having a fun Father's Day weekend. We celebrated today, just the three of us and will celebrate tomorrow with our Dad's. My husband got to sleep in until noon, then we had a pancake lunch, went for ice cream and a walk in the park, pizza for dinner, and shopping for the stereotypical tie. Our daughter "took him shopping" so he could pick out the perfect tie - he brought over a couple for her to help him choose from and he went with the one the 2 year old picked. She has good taste, it was my favorite too! I'm so blessed to have an amazing husband and father to my little girl. He is truly wonderful with our girl and I can see how much they both adore each other. Happy Father's Day to all the wonderful dad's out there!

You can all picture me on Tuesday on a girlfriend road trip, music playing, Starbucks or Red Bull being enjoyed as we roll into Nashville without a care in the world. We'll be getting there early so we can get checked into the hotel and spend some girlie time getting gussied up before heading out for dinner and the NKOTBSB (New Kids on the Block/Backstreet Boys) concert. I'm so very excited!!

Forgetting About TTC...yeah, right.

So, I'm finding it really difficult to forget about TTC this cycle, now that ovulation time is near. I have been randomly taking OPK's. Today's is kind of confusing because one brand looks positive and the other does not. I've had this same thing happen before with these two brands and it's really frustrating.

I'm not purposely timing anything, but part of me knows I should ovulate in the next few days, so I keep thinking about BDing just in case. It's always in the back of my head. I guess you can't keep a girl who's been TTC for the better part of 11 years from trying for long. I go on my big getaway in a week and I'd rather not be obsessing then, so I can just be easy breezy and have a fun time with nothing to worry about, so that makes me want to wait...but it's just so hard when you know there might be a chance to get pregnant! I also would rather wait until we can do it with the meds we talked to our RE about to hopefully up our chances at a healthy baby. So, logically I know I should wait, but there is this part of me that thinks that if it happens this month, then it was meant to be and maybe it would be our healthy take home baby anyway. Although it has happened spontaneously before and it didn't end well. This is how my brain works - around and around in circles. I guess we'll just continue NTNP (not trying, not preventing) this month and see what happens. Next month we will move on to our plan - Clomid/HCG trigger shot. Until then, I will continue to obsess over peesticks because that is one of the things I do best.

Letting My Hair Down

It's been nice to forget about TTC for a little while. I needed this break. I'm feeling happier and more content with life now. I do look forward to getting back to it with my next cycle, although I am terrified of the heparin/Lovenox injections that will come with a positive HPT. I watched some youtube videos on how to do it, and they all talk about how painful it is and the bad bruising, and here are some tips to lessen those awful things...ugh! Now, back to forgetting about what's to come and just enjoying the moment I am currently in.

Tomorrow is my 14 year wedding anniversary. I can hardly believe it's been that long - I don't feel old enough to have been married for 14 years. To celebrate, my husband and I called in the grandparents to watch our little punkin' so that we could have a night out last Friday. We got a room at a beautiful, historic hotel, went to a nice dinner at Mitchell's Fish Market, and enjoyed live music in the hotel bar. It was so nice, fun, romantic, and relaxing!

It's hard to see in the photo, but the band is playing in the background behind the bar. It is this beautiful art deco hotel with amazing architecture. It's almost like being in another time when you are there.

In other news, we have started potty training. Today was day one and it didn't go as smoothly as I had hoped, but we stayed in a good mood and I tried to remain carefree and just let things happen, even if we did go through many pairs of big girl pants and I spent a good part of the day on my hands and knees wiping up accidents. The hugs and kisses I got from my little ladybug more than helped keep me in a relaxed state of mind. She is at such an amazing and fun age right now. I love her genuine hugs that come with an "I wuv you," seeing her independence come out with a "MY do it," and listening to her play pretend - the things her sweet little mind comes up with are too adorable. Even if we are not blessed with another take home baby, I'm the luckiest Mommy in the world!

Another Due Date

Today is the due date of our little girl. We lost her at 9 weeks after seeing a strong heart beat just two weeks before. She had Turner's syndrome. I miss her, love her, and wish she were here with us today. As I was reading a magazine this afternoon (I'm so far behind in my subscriptions that I'm reading magazines from a year or two ago), I turned the page to an article in Glamour's September 2010 issue titled "The Baby I Lost...and the Life She Gave Me." Instant tears streamed down my face. It seems meant to be that I opened it on today of all days. I can't help but wonder if there is some big life lesson in all of these losses for me. It all seems so senseless. I already appreciate my daughter so much, after struggling for 8 years to conceive her. I did wonder if I would appreciate a second baby as much if I got pregnant easily. Now that is no concern. I know if we are blessed with another take home baby I will treasure him or her just as much. Maybe I'm supposed to do something with this pain to help others in the same pain. Maybe I'm supposed to learn how strong I am and can be. I wish I could figure out what the lesson in all of this, if there even is a lesson. I recall Oprah talking about life lessons and when you are meant to learn something, it starts out as a whisper and gets louder until you get it. It scares me if I don't 'get it' yet, I don't want even more tragedies to happen in our lives!

Only one more due date of a miscarriage to go. Hopefully that is the last one I ever have to deal with. Right now I'm okay with not being currently pregnant. For my other two due dates I wanted to be pregnant with the hope of another healthy baby on the way. This time that isn't important to me. Last night I had nightmares about miscarriages. Even when I think I'm doing 'okay' my subconscious steps in to tell me differently. It's not as bad as my son's due date. Everything pales in comparison to that. I find myself grieving about our little girl or my other two losses, and it always morphs into grieving about my son too. I picture his sweet little face and his tiny hands and feet. Maybe it's because I was much farther along with him, maybe it's because he's the only one I saw, so the others seem more abstract. I saw our little girl, but she was still in the sac and I couldn't make anything out. The only true memory I have of her to hold on to is the ultrasound at about 8 weeks with her heart beating strong. I'm happy to have a photo of that ultrasound.

Just to pour more salt in the wound, AF arrived just in time for my due date. My luteal phase was a day or two longer than usual this month. It's usually about 17 days, which is long and abnormal to begin with. I've been researching long luteal phase, but am only finding info saying that it is rare, but probably doesn't cause any significant fertility issues. There may be a problem with uterine lining, but that doesn't seem to be our issue with losses.

40th Week...

"You're in the home stretch. Congrats! Your due date is here, but is your baby?".....ummmm, NO!

This is the email I got today. A big thank you to Similac for the reminder (not that I needed one) that my baby girl was due this week. Friday, May 27th, to be exact. I tried to unsubscribe from everything, but I'm still receiving random emails from baby related companies, baby magazines and coupons in the mail, and a nice canister of formula. I'm sure there will be even more to come over the next several weeks. I have been moody and down in the dumps anyway, so I try to pull myself up by the bootstraps and slap on a happy face, then something like this just knocks me back down.

I need to try and focus on happy things. We finally had a nice, sunny weekend (well, most of it was sunny). It was great to get outside and play. We took a trip to the zoo, which is one of my daughter's favorite places to go. Weekends like that certainly lighten the spirit. My husband and I have planned a romantic overnight for our anniversary in a couple weeks, so we are both really looking forward to that. I'm counting down the days.

In cycle news, I think AF will be here soon. I need to call my nurse and fill her in on where I'm at in my cycle, my MRI results, and let her know that we won't be starting Clomid until next cycle. I'm just not ready this cycle, especially since I would most likely be taking it on my daughter's due date. That's just too much for me right now. One more month of a break, then we will start the process again.

Results and Ovulation

I got my MRI/MRA results today. Let me just tell you how nice it is to get good results for a change! Everything looks normal! We can proceed with our plan to use Heparin or Lovenox with the next pregnancy and I don't have the additional stress of worrying about a brain aneurysm in the near future. I am more relieved than I even realized I would be. I think my fears of brain aneurysms have been hanging over my head ever since my mom had one several years ago. I feel a great amount of relief.

In other news, I think I finally ovulated on Saturday night or Sunday last weekend. My body kept revving up to O for a little while now, but I never did get a full positive OPK until Saturday. It was blazing and I had horrible O pains Saturday night into Sunday. My cycles may not be predictable, but what I experience during ovulation is fairly standard for me, and by now, I know how to read the signs. It was a pretty strong O especially for not being on Clomid this cycle.

Technically, I could start Clomid again with my next AF and jump in immediately. My RE has OK'd this, as long as I had my MRI results in and they looked good. I'm considering taking one more cycle off. I'm thinking mentally and emotionally I might need a little breather. This is another due date month for our little girl we lost. Those months are always more difficult. Although July 9th is the one year anniversary of the loss of our son. That will be beyond difficult too. I also feel like I have been either pregnant or miscarrying for a year and a half straight now with hardly any breaks in between. I think I need to let my hair down for a second and live a bit of life that is not completely focused on where I am in my cycle and what test I'm going to have done next. I have a two day road trip with a girlfriend planned in June to see New Kids on the Block with Backstreet Boys (NKOTBSB) in concert. It would be nice to do that without thinking about ovulation or testing or "am I pregnant" moments or worrying that I'll be O'ing on meds when I'm not with my husband. I have been working out and trying to tighten up my forever loose stomach muscles after all these pregnancies and have been buying, for the first time since before I was pregnant with my daughter 3 years ago, real clothes, not maternity clothes. I'm just starting to feel good about getting myself back to normal, at least a little bit. My only concern with waiting is my age and my cycles being long. I'm afraid that waiting one cycle will end up being more than just one month. Part of me is ready to go for it immediately again. I have a stash of OPK and HPT test strips sitting in my closet (and by stash I mean about 35 OPK's and 90 HPT's, which I can easily go through in a couple of cycles, haha). I guess I have about a week to make up my mind, but right now I'm leaning towards taking one more cycle off.